WELCOME UP THERE, DOWN HERE, EVERYBODY WATCHING AROUND THE
WORLD.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S NICE.
HOPE YOU GUYS ARE FEELING GOOD TONIGHT.
I'M FEELING -- WHAT WOULD YOU DESCRIBE -- A LITTLE NOSTALGIC,
I GUESS, BECAUSE, YESTERDAY, THERE WAS A
SIGHTING OF A MAN WHO I SPENT MANY HAPPY YEARS PRETENDING TO
LIKE.
I'M TALKING ABOUT FORMER PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, SEEN
HERE AFTER GETTING INTO THE SARAN WRAP DRAWER AGAIN.
LAURA HAD TO PUT UP THAT DOGGY DOOR OUTSIDE THE KITCHENO
KEEP HIM OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) DUBYA AND I HAD SO MANY
GOOD TIMES TOGETHER BACK AT THE OLD "COLBERT REPORT."
I MADE SO MUCH FUN OF HIM, AND HE GAVE HE SO MANY REASONS TO DO
THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) MMM...
BUT -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OLD DAYS.
AFTER KEEPING A LOW PROFILE FOR YEARS NOW, YESTERDAY, BUSH GAVE
A SPEECH IN DALLAS AS PART OF AN EVENT CALLED "ELECTIONS: A MORE
PERFECT UNION," FOCUSED ON HOW ELECTIONS WORK.
WE'VE ACTUALLY ACQUIRED DUBYA'S POWERPOINT ON HOW ELECTIONS
WORK: STEP 1: GET FEWER VOTES THAN
YOUR OPPONENT.
STEP 2: HAVE THE SUPREME COURT HAND IT TO YOU.
STEP 3: HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THREE-POINT PLAN.
AT ONE POINT IN HIS ACTUAL SPEECH, BUSH TURNED HIS
ATTENTION TO RUSSIA.
ONLY ONE PROBLEM HE HAD A LITTLE BIT OF A GAFFE.
SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT IT: >> RUSSIAN ELECTIONS ARE RIGGED.
POLITICAL OPPONENTS ARE IMPRISONED OR OTHERWISE
ELIMINATED FROM PARTICIPATING IN THE ELECTORAL PROCESS.
THE RESULT IS AN ABSENCE OF CHECKS AND BALANCES IN RUSSIA,
AND THE DECISION OF ONE MAN TO LAUNCH A WHOLLY UNJUSTIFIED AND
BRUTAL INVASION OF IRAQ.
I MEAN, OF UKRAINE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: JIMMY CHRISTMAS!
THE ONE PHRASE HE DEFINITELY CAN'T SAY, EVER, FOR THE REST OF
HIS LIFE.
IT'S LIKE HE'S THINKING ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME, AND IT JUST
POPPED OUT.
THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE WORST PRESIDENTIAL FREUDIAN SLIP SINCE
J.F.K. SAID THIS: >> ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY
CAN DO FOR YOU, ASK IF YOU CAN DO MARILYN MONROE.
BOI-OI-OI-OING!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NOW, NOW -- SURE.
( LAUGHTER ) WE DO THESE THINGS NOT BECAUSE
THEY'RE EASY BUT BECAUSE I AM HARD!
( LAUGHTER ) THANKFULLY, DUBYA CAUGHT HIMSELF
AND DID A QUICK COURSE-CORRECT: >> THE DECISION OF ONE MAN TO
LAUNCH A WHOLLY UNJUSTIFIED AND BRUTAL INVASION OF IRAQ.
I MEAN, OF UKRAINE.
(LAUGHS) IRAQ, TOO.
ANYWAY...
(LAUGHTER) 75.
>> STEPHEN: "IRAQ, TOO?" HA HA?
THAT IS A REFRESHINGLY LIGHTHEARTED CONFESSION TO
WAR CRIMES.
I GUESS WE SHOULD CALL OFF THE SEARCH FOR THE W.M.D.'S.
SOMEBODY OWES SADDAM HUSSEIN AN EDIBLE ARRANGEMENT.
( LAUGHTER ) MAYBE BUSH IS GOING TO START
ADMITTING EVERYTHING HE'S BEEN HOLDING BACK:
"ALSO, I JUST WANT TO SAY: MY GRANDKIDS ARE THE ONES WHO
PAINT THE WATERCOLORS; DICK CHENEY IS A TERMINATOR SENT
FROM THE FUTURE; AND THERE ARE NO HUMAN-ANIMAL HYBRIDS.
I SAW THE PHILLIE PHANATIC WITH HIS HEAD OFF, AND I
FREAKED OUT.
HEH-HEH.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF UKRAINE, ZELENSKY
IS STILL LOBBYING THE WORLD FOR SUPPORT.
THIS WEEK, HE OPENED THE CANNES FILM FESTIVAL, WHERE HE VOWED,
"WE WILL WIN IN THIS WAR."
IS THIS TRUE?
IN FACT, I'M TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF HIS PRE-MOVIE
PRESENTATION.
>> LET'S GO LIBERATE DONBAS.
LET'S KICK PUTIN IN THE ASS.
LET'S GO LIBERATE DONBAS, AND STEAL OURSELVES A TANK!
♪ AND GIVE OLE VLAD A SPANK!
( BLAST ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: IT'S BEEN A ROUGH WEEK ON WALL STREET.
THE DOW TOOK A DRUBBING AFTER INVESTORS WERE ALARMED BY
DISAPPOINTING EARNINGS FROM TARGET, WALMART, AND LOWE'S.
THERE'S ONLY ONE SOLUTION: RELEASE THE STRATEGIC RESERVE OF
DADS RUNNING LITTLE ERRANDS!
GO GET SOME BATTERIES, BOYS!
BUY SOME SPACKLE!
THE LITTLE BUCKET.
THE OLD ONE'S PROBABLY DRIED OUT.
JUST PUTTER AROUND THE PAINT AISLE AND PICK OUT SWATCHES.
SHE SAYS SHE WANTS YELLOW, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE!
REMEMBER, SATIN SHINE!
IT SHOULD GLOW, BUT NOT GLISTEN, OKAY?
IT SHOULD HAVE SHEEN, BUT NOT SHIMMER.
JUST BUY ONE CAN OF EACH.
YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SHEEN BUT NOT SHINE.
THE BIG WORRY ON WALL STREET IS INFLATION.
IT'S GOTTEN OUT OF CONTROL.
IN APRIL, OVERALL CONSUMER PRICES FOR FOOD ROSE 9.4%--
BUT EGGS SURGED 220%, BUTTER JUMPED 51%, FATS AND OILS WENT
UP 41%, AND FLOUR 40%.
WAIT A SEC.
THAT'S EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO BATTER AND DEEP FAT FRY!
IT'S ONE THING FOR INFLATION TO DESTROY OUR RETIREMENT PLANS,
BUT NOW IT'S TRYING TO MAKE US LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO RETIRE?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THESE EXPENSES -- NO, IT STOPS!
LINE IN THE SAND!
IT STOPS -- LET ME AT 'EM!
( LAUGHTER ) THESE EXPENSES ARE BEING PASSED
ON TO THE CONSUMER.
AT ONE PIZZERIA IN MISSISSIPPI, A 15-PIECE ORDER OF CHICKEN
WINGS USED TO BE $13.95, BUT NOW CAN BE AROUND $27.95, AND WING
COSTS CAN VARY SO MUCH, THEY'RE OFTEN LABELED "MARKET PRICE."
MARKET PRICE!
THAT'S USUALLY RESERVED FOR THINGS LIKE LOBSTER, SO, I
ASSUME YOU GET TO PICK YOUR OWN CHICKEN FROM THE TANK OUT FRONT.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'VE GOT LITTLE SNORKELS!
GOT A CHICKEN SNORKEL.
DEEP FRIED SNORKEL.
I LIKE HOW UPSET YOU WERE WHEN YOU FOUND OUT CHICKEN WING
PRICES JUMPED UP.
THAT PROVES YOU'RE ALL AMERICANS.
( LAUGHTER ) PRICES ARE SO OUT OF CONTROL
THAT THE RESTAURANT OWNER SAYS HE'S TRYING TO DECIDE WHETHER TO
KEEP RAISING PRICES OR TAKE WINGS OFF THE MENU.
WINGS WERE ONLY ON THE MENU BECAUSE THEY WERE THE CHEAPEST
PART OF THE CHICKEN.
NOW THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SUBSTITUTE SOMETHING ELSE.
INTRODUCING: BUFFALO WILD BEAKS.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST ENOUGH SAUCE, ENOUGH
SAUCE -- HELL, YEAH.
OVER IN COVID CORNER, CASES ARE BACK ON THE RISE.
YESTERDAY, THE C.D.C.
RECOMMENDED THAT A THIRD OF AMERICANS SHOULD CONSIDER
WEARING INDOOR MASKS.
"CONSIDER?" IS NOT THE MOST URGENT LANGUAGE YOU COULD USE IN
A PANDEMIC.
THAT'S LIKE SEEING, "DANGER: HIGH VOLTAGE.
MAYBE DON'T LICK?" MAYBE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ LET'S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY ♪
♪ LET'S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY ♪ WE CAN'T BLAME THE SPREAD OF
COVID ON LACK OF HAND SANITIZER ANYMORE.
BACK IN THE EARLY DAYS OF THE PANDEMIC, NEW YORK MADE 11
MILLION BOTTLES OF HAND SANITIZER.
NOW IT HAS 700,000 GALLONS IT CAN'T GET RID OF.
NEW YORK NEEDS TO GET RID OF 700,000 GALLONS OF SURPLUS
ALCOHOL?
PAGING RUDY GIULIANI.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MR. MAYOR!
IT'S TIME TO BE A HERO AGAIN!
ALL IS FORGIVEN.
BUT NEW YORK MAY WANT TO HOLD ON TO THAT HAND SANITIZER,
BECAUSE THERE'S A NEW VIRUS MAKING THE ROUNDS.
I DON'T WANT TO ALARM ANYONE, SO I'LL JUST QUIETLY SAY:
MONKEY POX!
(SCREAMING MONKEY) EVERYONE STAYING CALM?
GOOD.
THEN YOU'RE READY TO CHECK OUT THIS HEADLINE:
"RARE MONKEYPOX OUTBREAK IN U.K., EUROPE, AND U.S.-- WHAT IS
IT, AND SHOULD WE WORRY?" I'LL HANDLE THAT ONE:
I DON'T KNOW, AND YES.
TURNS OUT, MONKEY POX IS A VIRAL INFECTION THAT CAUSES FEVER,
BODY ACHES, ENLARGED LYMPH NODES AND BLISTERS.
ALSO, AN UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO WEAR A TUXEDO AND RIDE A TINY
LITTLE BIKE.
( LAUGHTER ) TO MAKE MATTERS MORE CONCERNING,
SCIENTISTS SAY THERE'S EVIDENCE THE VIRUS COULD BE SPREADING
THROUGH A NEW ROUTE: SEXUAL CONTACT.
WOW.
THIS NEW INFORMATION SUDDENLY MAKES UNPROTECTED SEX WITH A
POX-RIDDLED MONKEY WAY LESS APPEALING.
AND IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO TEACH A MONKEY SEX ED.
BEFORE YOU CAN PUT THE CONDOM ON THE BANANA, THEY EAT IT!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IMPOSSIBLE!
IT'S A MONKEY BANANA JOKE.
GROW UP!
SPEAKING OF DOIN' IT, MORE COMPANIES ARE BRINGING EMPLOYEES
BACK IN PERSON, AND SOME WORKERS MIGHT BE A LITTLE TOO EXCITED,
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY, MORE THAN A THIRD OF
SINGLE, WHITE-COLLAR WORKERS THINK RETURNING TO THE OFFICE
WILL HELP THEIR SEX LIVES.
AND AT SOME COMPANIES, THE NUMBER OF HORNY CUBICLE JOCKEYS
IS EVEN HIGHER.
FOR EXAMPLE, 50% OF SINGLES AT CAPITAL ONE SAID RETURNING TO
IN-PERSON WORK WOULD HELP THEM GET LUCKY.
EXPLAINS THEIR NEW SLOGAN: "CAPITAL ONE:
WHAT'S IN YOUR WALLET?
BETTER BE A CONDOM."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE MIKE MYERS AND MIN-HA KIM.
BUT, WHEN WE COME BACK, I INTRODUCE THE LATEST OFFICE
FASHION.
JOIN US.