How to get toddlers to listen without yelling? I've got an expert with me today
Nicholeen Peck joins us for Live on Purpose TV. So glad that you're here you
know that we do a lot of parenting content here at Live on Purpose TV and
you can link to our positive parenting playlist right up there where you're
going to find a whole bunch of videos on different topics that you might be
interested in. And today, I brought in the person that I think knows more about
parenting than anyone else I know professionally, this is Nicoleen Peck
thank you for being here. My pleasure Paul thanks for having me.
Nicoleen you have impressed me so much over the years with your approach and
it's really about teaching self-government so that these children
can learn how to basically govern themselves and they don't have to have
someone telling them what to do all the time, every second, yes. I think one of
our main jobs as a parent is to work our way out of a job, I mean if we're doing
it right then we should be launching them off with confidence right? right
yeah, yeah. Now we've had a lot of questions that come up from our viewers
with particularly young children how to get toddlers to listen to you without
yelling and yelling is a trap isn't it? But definitely a trap and I think the
thing about yelling that is so important is actually to recognize that when
you're yelling you're in a selfish state. And so and I I mean I'm a bold speaker I
call it kind of like I see it right and and that is what is happening when a
person is yelling, usually it's because they are in an emotional trap
that they've put themselves in, so there's really no need to yell, but then you have
to ask yourself okay well what am i lacking then why do I keep going to this
place of yelling and usually the parents are lacking some
sort of skills that they need in order and a mindset, I mean you have to look at
what you're doing and as your role as a parent with new eyes, before you can
decide to adopt new skills and new ways of communicating with your children. So
yes, so with your tod, with your toddler children okay so we're talking about
little ones, little ones, right? right and their cognitive ability is minimal and
so you have to remember that. Their prefrontal cortex of the brain is not
fully developed well, until they're between the ages of 18 and 24 years so
they have a long way to go though when they're at that stage they just don't
have a lot of ability and I think parents think well I told you not to
touch that one thing already, how come you're touching it again but we have to
recognize oh they're learning curve is so steep right now, I mean they have so
much to accomplish and to learn and so you have to when you're looking at your
your mindset as a parent you have to say okay so is this is what I'm doing right
now about figuring out a way not to be annoyed or is what I'm doing right now
figuring out a way to best nurture and teach my child. Ah... and there's a
difference there. That's an important distinction and I I think there
are some indicator feelings we can look at and you were touching on that
frustration, anger, resentment, those feelings are things that we might
experience as a parent and usually when we're yelling we're responding to those
feelings mm-hmm. Instead of really focusing like you're saying on the child
what is this child's needs right now? How do I best nurture and love and teach?
Well, see the thing is, is the parents have a tendency to forget who they are
by focusing so much on how they feel. This is a big thing, you know I have that
book called oh yeah you know I have that book called rolls
the secret to family business and social success and I wrote that book after I
wrote my other parenting books because I realized there is a major identity
crisis happening in our world today especially in the nation in the place
where I live where parents are literally forgetting who they are, as a parent. And
then they're expecting their children sometimes to almost step up in their
roles and then their children are usurping the power of their parents and
so that makes it so that then there's dysfunction in the home, in all ways.
So when you I know we have to talk about toddlers today we keep get deeper of course, yes so
getting back to all right, so how do we get these toddlers, these little people
to listen without yelling, mm-hmm and without giving in to our emotions and our feelings. There's an
option here, yes, that maybe we're in choice still and thinking about who we
are and what our role is as a parent and I know you've got some practical ideas
for parents too. I do, let's share some ideas, okay, that would be great so
once you've decided you know what I actually like teaching my children I
like nurturing my children and this is what I'm gonna do.
Then you have to ask yourself okay, well how am I gonna do it, without getting to
that emotional place? So one thing that parents can use and this is especially
important for the little ones when they can't they don't speak as well
and I'm thinking toddler honestly up until about age four and five, okay? So
any time in that category of a child. Preschool years, exactly! And so some of them
actually or have they've gotten pretty smart and they can do a lot of talking
another so and they can even when they're babies they can understand more
than they can say and you have to remember that. So
you don't have to
dumb everything down because they've been hearing you communicate all the way
along. But a big key thing is describe. Describe, describe what is happening.
Describe what should be happening and then do practice, so for the little one
it's all about pre-teaching what things should be happening correctly and you
have to practice that more, than they do it the wrong way otherwise they won't
change the behavior so it's huge now sometimes you have to you know stop them
from attacking another person and kind of like gently grab them and pull them
away and physically you know sometimes you have to, you know, because we've got to
protect everyone, but then, then what after that one in our family they go to
a calm down place if they've been doing something like that. They would go to a
calm down place but it's not for a specified period of time, like a timeout.
They just go there until they're calm enough so that they can say okay and be
ready to do a teaching moment with mom, okay? right? So then we do a teaching
moment and I described. So just a moment ago, you were hitting so-and-so because
they didn't want to share with you, what you should have done was and then we're
going to go back to some skills that I've taught them.
So what teach children these four basic skills and they can learn them when
they're tiny. I have seen children under two years old be able to say, "Mom can i
disagree appropriately?" I mean they can say it. Yes, can I do agree appropriately and between siblings,
between friends, they can use these little skills, so the skills are to learn
how to follow instructions, the second skill is to accept no answers and
criticism, wow, the third skill it is big, the third skill is to accept
consequences and you have to have that you can't let herself government unless
you learn cause and effect. You have to have opportunity to accept your consequences. And then fourth
one is disagreeing appropriately and those four skills actually cover 99% of
all negative behaviors. And so, your little child you would say what you did
was this, what you should have done was this and you would explain exactly what
that is and then you would practice it the right way. Actually practice the
skill of them. Multiple times even yeah and then as they get
an older maybe they're three and four you might even do a little role reversal
where I'm the child and my child's the mommy
you know, and then they get to see it from the other side even. Now when
they're tiny too and maybe they can't they can't do it but when they get a
little bit older they can even go to that level of understanding what's
happening. So as far as you know not having to yell, number one you have to
decide do I need to yell or do I just need to teach? Because the only time you
should yell is like if they're in the road or in front of a train or you know
what I mean? Like because otherwise why? Just right there, just get on their level
look at them and talk to them, correct them, but my children do earn extra
chores, I will say. Even when they're tiny. I might help them. I might help them put
all the crayons in the box, right, you know but we're going to still teach them some
cause-and-effect and teach them how to govern themselves during a little chore.
They don't get too full self-government just like in their toddler years. Well
they're not ready for it. It takes time, no, they got to have that functioning capability first,
you know. So, well, Nicholeen, I knew that you would have some great ideas
along these yes these questions that we're addressing here Live on Purpose TV
today. And folks, Nikoline has a lot of really great resources and we'll put a
link down in the description. Great! you know they can get to your website you've
got books that are available for the kids, the kids as well as for the parents.
A lot of great resources .Thank You Nicholeen and that was really helpful. My
pleasure. That's another great video free parenting library. We'll see you tomorrow.