But luckily for me,
my uncle did teach me about our Latin timeline
which I wanna share with you, and that is
Mayans at 1000 B.C.,
and then we have now.
And what is it, the age of Pitbull, right?
♪ Get it, don't stop... ♪
But, yo, what happened in the 3,000 years
between our great indigenous civilizations and us?
How did we become so goddamn nonexistent?
Because if you don't see yourself
represented outside of yourself,
you just feel fucking invisible.
So, yo, I had good reason to panic
because as the great 20th- century Spanish philosopher
Santana once said -
oh, no, not Carlos - George, George -
who said, "Those who cannot remember their past
are doomed to repeat it." Cono.
So, yo, ever since my son got bulli--
Yo, yo, yo, I put a fatwa on that bully,
and I went on a intellectual jihad.
So now I'm a self-professed ghetto scholar, holla.
Ooo-ooo.
So, people, tonight's lesson is...
Latin History For Fucking Morons.
And that's you.
I'm sorry, but it's true, okay?
So tonight, I'm only gonna be talking about
our founding forefathers and our empires,
the kind of shit that they keep out of our history textbooks.
So pay attention 'cause you're gonna be quizzed. A'ight?
A'ight. So let's start by looking at Latin DNA.
Now, I've done a lot of research
to find out that we Latin people are all at least 40% Indian.
And by Indian, I mean...
Not, "Please to be taking down your pants...
so I can be examining your rectum."
We are also 25% Black.
That's right, baby.
'Cause after the conquistadors enslaved
all the Indians, and they died off,
they imported Black people to fill in they vacancies.
So we are definitely Blackified.
Shit, I bet you are, too.
I bet you I could prove it. Come on.
♪ I said a-clap your hands now ♪
♪ I said a-stomp your feet ♪
♪ I said a-clap your hands now ♪
♪ I said a-oh-ah, ah-chi-ca ♪
♪ I said a-ooh-ah-- ♪
Okay, maybe not so much.
We're also 25% white, 25% Jewish,
25% Lebanese and 40% I don't know what the fuck.
For a grand total of 180%.
And that is us Latino people.
And trust me, I know it's confusing, I know it's confusing.
Because we Latin people are a bastardly people,
and the reason we're such bastards
is because those white European conquistadors
came here in the 1500s without women.
And these horny son of a bitches
were sexing up all our fine native honies,
and these conquistador would be like,
"Gonzalo, psst. Gonzalo.
I never thought I was going to say this,
but can you fuck too much?
'Cause I think I'm sick of fucking.
I don't think I ever wanna fuck again.
I've reached the fucking end."
These conquistadors were like NBA players
at a Kardashian pool party.