We've been married, uh, 12 years,
and our wedding, uh...
it was not good.
Him and I had been dating for four years
and I-- I just had this sneaking suspicion
that he was gonna propose...
because...
I had been pressuring him to do it.
So, you know, I just had this wacky women's intuition.
That's how proposals really work, OK?
A woman has to incept the idea into the man's head.
First passively and then if he doesn't get the message,
-extremely aggressively. -[laughter]
You gotta threaten to leave without ever actually leaving,
because you know that you're too old
and it's too late to go back out there and find a new man
and start the whole manipulation cycle all over again.
[laughter]
So, you're like, "I'm just gonna stick with this dude,
focus on trapping this dude,
and just nag the shit outta him until he becomes weak and caves in
and gets fed up and is like, "Shut the fuck up!
Fine, will you marry me?"
[laughter]
And then afterwards, the woman is always, like,
-"Oh, my God! He proposed!" -[laughter]
"It came outta nowhere.
And look, he got me the exact ring I wanted.
How did he know?
Maybe he saw it on my Pinterest page or something...
that I sent to my best friend, that I told her to send to him every day."
[laughter]
Let me tell you something. If a man has a Pinterest page...
he's probably Pinterested in men.
[laughter]
We got engaged on a Saturday.
I bought my wedding dress the following Tuesday...
-because I had tried it on in 2012. -[laughter]
I was ready.
I was ripe.
I was rotten.
I need to be made into banana bread. That's how rotten I was.
[laughter]
So, she plans, uh, this amazing, uh, wedding.
And then, uh, at the rehearsal dinner, night before the wedding,
uh, my wife got food poisoning.
[audience] Oh!
That is the accurate reaction to that piece of news.
We're at the rehearsal dinner, it's a wonderful night,
but my wife does not look well, and I say, "What's wrong?"
And she said, "I think I have food poisoning."
And so, then, I did something, uh, called mansplaining.
And...
Uh, if you don't know what that is, uh, ladies...
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
It is when...
a man with no shared experience to what you're going through
tells you what's actually happening.
[laughter]
And so, I said to my wife, "You do not have food poisoning.
What you have is something called the wedding jitters.
You're gonna go back to your parents' house, I'm gonna go to the hotel.
In the morning, I'm gonna call, you're gonna feel great,
and we're gonna have this amazing wedding that you have planned."
And so, we did that,
and the next morning I called her, and I said, "How are you feeling?"
And she said, "I'm at the emergency room because I have fucking food poisoning."
[laughter]
So, I'm driving to the hospital the morning of my wedding,
and I'm thinking to myself, "Oh, my God. I hope she doesn't die for two reasons.
One...
[laughter]
I love her more than anything in the world.
I cannot imagine living another day without her."
Two, I couldn't help but think,
if your wife dies of any kind of poisoning...
[laughter]
morning of the wedding...
[laughter]
you're gonna be a suspect.
[laughter]
And even once they clear you,
that's a real shadow for the rest of your dating life.
[laughter]
"Were you ever married?" "Almost. Died, morning of. Poisoned.
Anyway...
[laughter]
Can I make you another drink?"
[laughter]
We've been married, uh, 12 years,
and our wedding, uh...
it was not good.
-[laughter] -There's...
This is not... This is not my fault.
This was... My mom and my wife planned the wedding,
and they're both cheap.
So they cut corners.
If we hire someone... If we hire someone to do something to our house,
I promise he does not do that job full-time.
[laughter]
He'll be fixing our dishwasher, and we're like, "Do you paint houses?"
He's like, "Yeah, I probably could paint houses." You know?
His business card says, "How hard could it be? Right? Can't be that hard."
-Uh... -[laughter]
We got married on Friday the 13th.
Got a pretty sweet deal on that.
[laughter]
They were wide open.
We were like, "What times are available?" They go, "Every one of them, all 24.
You can call us that day if you want."
[laughter]
Her brother married us, that was free.
The photographer was just a buddy of ours that had like a...
He just bought a new camera. So we're like, "You gonna do our wedding?"
Never done anything professionally, and it showed.
-Uh... -[laughter]
His camera stopped working during it,
and he started taking stuff out of it, like that would be the problem, like...
It's like, "Yeah, you know what?
I bet they put too much stuff inside of it when they built it.
You should yank some wires.
That's not supposed to be in there like that."
[laughter]
Our DJ was awful,
and that's because we got my mom to hire the DJ.
I don't know who thinks to ask someone in their 50s for DJ recommendations.
No one ever is like, "Mom, are you in with the local DJ scene by any chance?"
[laughter]
[clears throat]
She hired someone older than her.
He just had CDs, and this was when computers were doing real good.
[laughter]
He got, uh, super drunk,
played the same song three times in a row.
"White Wedding," which he said was by Billy Joel.
[laughter]
He only had one leg... seriously.
And that's fine, you know? No one cares...
until he starts messing up,
and then you're like, "Why does he have one leg?"
[laughter]