Impeachment.
It's when America moves its president to the spam folder.
After 85 days of inquiries and debates,
today was finally the big day.
So let's see how it all went down in another installment
of the Magical, Wonderful Road to Impeachment.
-(cheering and applause) -SINGERS (singing):
It's probably presidential harassment.
Ever since the impeachment inquiry began back in September,
there have been many days that have felt historic:
the announcement, the testimonies,
the day that Trump and Giuliani accidentally switched dentures
and talked like each other the whole day.
But as historic as those days were,
today was the most historic of all.
STEPHANOPOULOS: This Wednesday will long be remembered.
President Trump set to become the third president
in American history to be impeached.
On this truly historic day,
President Donald J. Trump is facing the harshest
and rarest of rebukes
by the United States House of Representatives.
A day for the history books.
This is a moment that will go down in history.
This will be written about in the history books.
This is going to go down in the history books.
A day that'll go down in the history books.
Trump must be miserable right now.
Because those are the two things he hates the most,
history books and going down.
And regardless, regardless of how you feel about impeachment,
today is historic,
because Trump is only the third president ever to be impeached.
Yeah, they're gonna carve his face
on Impeachment Mount Rushmore, right?
Which, just to be clear, will be appropriately located
in the worst place imaginable, the Port Authority bathroom.
That's where it is.
So there's no doubt that impeachment
will hurt Trump's legacy bigly.
But it also seems like it's hurting his feelings.
REPORTER: President Trump incensed, lashing out
in a scathing six-page letter to the House speaker,
calling the impeachment process outlined by the Constitution
an illegal, partisan attempted coup.
He's just fired off a tweet.
(reading):
(laughter)
Yo, is it-- is it just me
or does it seem like Trump went through
all the stages of grief in one tweet?
Huh? It was like denial:
"I can't believe I'm getting impeached."
Anger: "I did nothing wrong."
Depression: "This is a terrible thing."
Acceptance: "I guess we can only pray."
(cheering and applause)
You know...
you know what Trump-- you know what Trump reminds me of
in that tweet is, like, remember when you were a kid,
right, who was gonna get a spanking,
but then your parents told you it was gonna happen later
'cause they didn't have time
and then the whole day was just you in a state of panic.
That's what Trump sounds like in that tweet,
like, just trying to, like, get support from anywhere.
You'd just be like a child running around, like,
"My mom said I b-- I didn't break the thing!
"They said I did, but I didn't do it.
"Now they're gonna come home. Please pray for me.
"Oh, please pray for me! Pray for me!
(sobbing) Pray for me!"
-(sobbing) -(cheering and applause)
But as upset as Trump sounds,
his Republican minions in the House seemed even more angry.
(stammers) Because they spent the day
on the floor of the House competing to see
who could make impeachment sound the worst.
History will not treat Democrats well.
They'll be forever remembered
as the Senator Joe McCarthys of our time.
On December 7, 1941, a horrific act happened
in-in the United States,
and it's one that President Roosevelt said
this is a date that will live in infamy.
Today, December the 18th, 2019,
is another date that will live in infamy.
When Jesus was falsely accused of treason,
Pontius Pilate gave Jesus
the opportunity to face his accusers.
During that sham trial,
Pontius Pilate afforded more rights to Jesus
than the Democrats have afforded this president.
-(gasping, laughter) -Holy shit!
Did these guys just compare impeachment
to Pearl Harbor and what happened to Jesus?
What, did they just google "bad things"
and then click "I'm feeling lucky"?
Is that what happened?
First of all, people actually died at Pearl Harbor.
No one's dying here, okay?
And, secondly, Jesus was tortured
and then nailed to the cross.
That is way worse than what's happening to Trump.
And even if Trump was gonna be put on the cross,
he'd never carry it himself.
He'd probably put it on the back of a golf cart, all right?
"It's the same." It's not the same.
It's not even close.
So, House Republicans spent the whole day
being huge drama queens about impeachment.
In fact, at one point, a Republican congressman
from Ohio even held-- and this is completely real--
a moment of silence
for the 63 million people who voted for Donald Trump.
Which is kind of ironic, because Donald Trump
would never be able to hold a moment of silence for himself.
Yeah, he'd just be like, "Let's have a moment of silence.
"Wow, this is the greatest moment of silence ever.
"Listen to how silent it is.
"So silent.
"No silence has ever sounded like this before.
"I can't believe how silent it is.
So powerful!"
But even though-- "So powerful!"
Yo, yo. We get it.
-Yo. -(whooping)
But even though this was a bad day for Republicans,
that doesn't mean that Democrats were gloating.
In fact, all day, they wanted everyone to know
that this impeachment made them very, very sad.
Madam Speaker, this is a sad day in U.S. history
when we have to vote on articles of impeachment.
It's a sad day.
I-It's gonna be a somber day around here.
It's with profound sadness that I stand here today.
We think this is a very serious and sad day.
I was just talking to a Democratic congresswoman
who's wearing a-a dark dress
to show the somber nature of the day,
the gravity of the day.
It is tragic that the president's reckless actions
make impeachment necessary.
He gave us no choice.
Oh. That's right.
All day, the Democrats were roaming the halls of Congress,
sad and depressed,
just walking around like a living Adele album.
(laughter)
♪ Hello ♪
♪ Impeach. ♪
(laughter)
Anyway, for more on the mood in Washington,
let's go to our senior impeachment correspondent,
Michael Kosta, everybody!
(applause and cheering)
Michael...
you're in D.C. right now
at the Democratic Party headquarters.
All the Democrats say they're sad,
but wasn't today a win for them?
It... It's not about winning, Trevor.
It's an impeachment, not an arm-wrestling match
against my six-year-old nephew, okay?
Democrats take no pleasure in doing this.
No matter what you think about Trump,
no one is happy when the president is impeached.
-(loud pop) -Wait. Is that champagne?
What-what was that?
-Um... -(laughter)
Yes, it's... it's grieving champagne.
Democrats are passing it around
so everyone can pour one out for democracy.
(laughter)
No, but I think when you pour one out,
-you're supposed to pour it on the floor, Kosta. -Oh. This...
Come on. This is Cristal.
I mean, this is... this is for special occa...
This is for special... sad occasions.
(laughter)
Like this dark day.
You know, it's weird, Michael, because it feels
like Democrats are acting sad,
but then, deep down,
they're actually happy about this.
No, Trevor, you're reading this all wrong.
Okay? The...
(applause and cheering)
The mood here--
it's downright depressing.
Yeah, Nancy. Today sucked, huh?
Hey, save me one of those Jager Bombs, girl.
Oh, come on, Kosta. Party hats and Jager Bombs?
Clearly, for Democrats, this is a party.
Trevor. You know, shame on you.
This is not a party at all.
-(laughter, applause, cheering) -I...
I am surrounded by sadness.
Dude, you must think I'm an idiot.
Like, like, I don't get why Democrats are pretending
to be sad, right?
They've wanted to impeach Trump for ages.
This has to make them at least a little bit happy.
-It's just like... -(dance music playing)
Wait. Kosta, is that music I'm hearing?
Yeah, Trev.
-(applause and cheering) -There is too much sadness
to fit into that space, so we moved it to the club.
So, now we're just grinding away our sorrows.
All right, man. I don't buy it.
The Democrats are happy. It's obvious.
Trevor, Trevor, I can literally taste the sadness, okay?
Although that might just be the Molly kicking in.
-Am I talking about? Oh! -All right.
Don't be sad all night. We got work tomorrow.
Michael Kosta, everybody.