do you talk about building or you talk about building relationships a lot at
work even when people whom you might not like even with people who mean you don't
like have you always been this way or did you also feel difficult also
difficulty in wanting to build relationships with those people if the
latter what are the things that help you to actually want to build relationships
with him things so when I was a young seal
I was pretty typical young seal pretty typical young man meaning I thought I
was invincible I thought I could beat everyone in a fight cuz I didn't know
jiu-jitsu so you just think you're just gonna win but that you're wrong I
thought I knew everything of course and I thought I was smarter than everyone
else kind of typical sometimes I would rub people the wrong way and the people
that I would rub the wrong way were especially people that I third thought
were not squared away in the chain of command so if you weren't square if you
if you were my boss and I didn't think you were squared away I was gonna rub
you the wrong way no cuz I was gonna be slightly offensive yeah as a matter of
fact I got an evaluation it's one of the first evaluations that I got when I got
to a SEAL team and back in the day yeah you'd get you were rated 4.0 was the
highest you could get and it would go all the way down to whatever like one
but at this time basically everyone got four oh and everything right you
basically got four oh and everything and like you'd have to mess up you have to
mess to get deviate from the four so I got all four O's and I got a 3.8 which
was like a major dig and the dig was in I think it was like in relation like I
don't know what the word was but when I got debriefed on it what the
guy that gave me the 3/8 what he what he told me
which I actually was proud of because that's how stupid I was
he's like you you you're too hostile with people that aren't squared away
that's literally and I was all like whatever you're damn
right I am hostile towards people that aren't square to go to war right just an
idiot that's what that's what the situation
was and you know it made me mad if a leader was weak and I would form these
antagonistic relationships with leaders if I thought that they were weak and one
of these bosses eventually that I fought I was better than right I thought I was
smarter I thought I was smarter than him right I thought that he was an idiot
sure I should have his job right how often do you think that right I should
have that guy's job I'm smart and the more I showed this attitude the worse
our relationship got in the world and the less he listened to me and the less
influence I had over how we did things and therefore the the worse we did and
the and the the worse our ability to perform God because he was just doing
things the way he thought without any good input from anyone below him in the
chain of command mm-hmm all because I had formed this antagonistic
relationship with him which was bad because then he's not listening to me
and then one day one day I said to myself if I'm so smart if I'm such a
smart guy why am I losing why am I losing if I'm so smart if I am so smart
why can't I get this guy to do what I want him to do even though he's my boss
doesn't matter if I'm so smart yes they were smarter than him why can't I get
him to do what I wanted me to do hmm why if I'm so smart how come I can't
have more influence over the way we operate if I'm so smart and he's so dumb
mm-hmm and that's that's when I realized that's when I had an away
an awakening that instead of blaming him for being stupid I was the one who was
being stupid I had lost the ability to influence my boss because I was being
stupid and because of my ego I literally thought I deserved his job okay I
thought pretty much anyone could anyone in the platoon should have his job and
therefore since I thought that I I understand of supporting him they said a
building a relationship with him i undermined him now once I got humble and
I started to build a positive relationship with him instead of an
antagonistic one that started to change and because because then he started
listening to me he started to change some things and my influence over the
whole situation became better because I now had a relationship despite the fact
I liked the guy despite that fact I built the
relationship and the situation got better I had more influence and that
became kind of my standard operating procedure was to build relationships
with people even if I didn't like them to build relationships with people so
that I could have more influence now does what does that sound like right
that sounds like I'm kind of this manipulative two-faced superficial
disingenuous guy yeah that's that's being devious and conniving not keeping
it real not keeping it real right but the fact is that is not true that's not
that's not that's not who I am you don't know who I am I'm a guy that's trying to
accomplish the mission that's what I am I'm a guy that is trying to accomplish
the mission who is putting my own ego in check to build a relationship with
someone that I don't like that I don't respect but what I'm trying to do is
improve our operational capability what's more important to me trying to
arrange the situation build the relationship so that we do better not so
that I get promoted not so that I'm getting some accolades but so that we as
a team do a better job I put the little feelings aside because I want the team
to win so if you're having having some trouble getting over your feelings and
getting over your ego to build relationships for the good of the team
ask yourself the same question I asked myself a long time ago
which is this if I am so smart why am I not winning and if you answer that
question honestly then you'll put your ego in check
you'll go build the relationships that will make you and your team accomplish
the mission and win hmm there you go
can't help but agree with that one you know what's funny is if you think
about like why you wouldn't like someone mm-hmm what what causes you and not like
someone most of the time that's your ego anyways most of the time that's your ego
anyways yeah and so you know you had that story of the you know you were
consulting somebody it was like a big CEO of yeah like a lacrosse guy that
story is probably the most common story I mean the way you handle it different
yeah but that scenario that you started with with us are so common man
where ya they rub you the wrong way because right off the bat you see him as
some kind of competitive figure to you like they're you know some you know
compare you know you're competing with them in your own mind in whatever and
the feelings probably meet you a lot of the time you know see kids don't like
each other you know one anything he says you're you know you're already defensive
but it's weird man how you can how that happened like that's happened to me
before not is it wasn't as overt but just like yeah I don't really feel that
guy you know I don't like I would because I not only is he like when you
look at them whatever they're kind of competitive with you but maybe they do
something just this much different than you you know like it's just different in
philosophy or something like that I was like oh let me again second and then
they open their mouth and say one word to you and it's real nice you're like oh
I love that guy you know just one little thing just one little like hey I'm cool
you know I like you kind of thing and it's like oh man yeah when they say
something humble to you yeah it disarms your ego and you're all of a sudden
you're bros yeah it's so weird but if they don't if they escalate the ego
situation which then it's very problematic happens all the time I mean
really that's the natural course of things because you do have to put on the
brakes on your feelings and be like okay let's make a different kind of decision
than the automatic one I got to switch to manual real quick and then bling but
the bottom line is you're gonna interact with all kinds of different people if
you're in any kind of team want so ever which is most most human beings interact
with other human beings through their job through their life through I mean
you could apply this to your family too right
there's someone in your family that you don't get along with well what good does
it do does it make your family unit better when you let those emotions play
out and let your ego play out no it doesn't you're better off you'll get
further and you'll have a better you'll have a better life in your family if you
put your ego in check and then say you know what I'm just gonna build a
relationship with this person it's gonna make everything better and smoother but
it's like man if you it I feel like you can take the place of any marriage
counselor by just saying that for real like all you have to do is in and they
got to do it but all you got to do is ask like is this gonna help the
relationship with my wife or my family whoever it is in your is this gonna help
the relationship if I do this or don't do this or is it gonna hurt it and
that's it that's it that's super general question or whatever but it's it's so
cut and dry most of the time yeah of course it's exceptions but generally
speaking it's pretty cut and dry okay and a lot of time just like I said it
has to do with like your ego or your you know this this sense of vengeance little
micro sense of vengeance because I can't believe she doesn't respect the fact
that I took out the trash you know she asked me to take the trash all the time
finally when I do it nothing you know like chilli its I was talking to a
friend of mine and we were talking about you know I've talked about the mutiny
that I had yeah yeah Co platoon but we had a mutiny we fight
we had a mutiny against uh our platoon commander we fired he got fired and then
the other guy that came in to take his place was like the best guy mm-hmm and I
was talking to a guy that worked with him much later when he was a senior
senior guy and I was telling him I was like oh when I talk on the podcast about
the platoon commander that was like the best that's who I'm talking he's like no
way and and this guy working with he's a senior guy and he says you know when he
when I worked with him he would take out that he would take out the trash from
the office every day and he and I started laughing said that's right and
I'd be look and he was saying like oh I look at him and be like sir you know you
don't need to do that it's like no no it's not good you know someone's got to
take out the trash I got it mm-hmm this is a seat a guy that shouldn't have
been taking out trash for 25 years taking out the trash
well is he picking up breath picking up brass taking out trash you know that's
that's being humble yeah being humble goes a long way