- Today a lady at Albertsons told me
I looked like Peter Dinklage.
Working with that all day.
What am I supposed say to that,
in what role?
What are you supposed to say to that?
I'm doing good though.
My wife and I just celebrated our three year anniversary.
(audience cheers)
Thank you.
We celebrated, we went out, we got tattoos together.
Yeah, romantic.
We got 'em in the same spot, on our forearms.
They don't like exactly match
but they complement each other.
I got an outline of the rock formation
in Joshua Tree National Park,
where we had our wedding ceremony,
And then, underneath it, written
in her favorite font, I'm a listener,
she has a favorite font.
It's Helvetica, she's basic.
It says the word valley.
Her name is Valerie, but Valley
is the nickname I gave her on our first date together.
Yeah, very sweet you know?
And then her tattoo right there
says, "My husband is a little bitch."
It's in Comic Sans.
And then there's a drawing of me
peeing sitting down.
So that's cool.
I'm Latino, or Latinx is what you're supposed
to say now, right, white lady?
It's Latinx, 'cause Latino is gender biased,
that's not cool you know.
Latinx sounds like a Mexican bug spray.
Do you have cucarachas in your casa?
Use Latinx.
The official bug killer of La Jaraca.
(audience laughs)
Wow, that's a Halloween store laugh.
I love that.
That's wild.
My wife is white, she's real white.
She's Joe Biden.
Nah, she is white, though.
She's from Iowa, that's how white she is.
I dunno, have you guys ever been there?
(audience whoops)
Yeah? Well I'll tell you, there's people that haven't.
It's not very diverse there.
I was there for Christmas.
I was the only black guy there.
I was the only black guy they'd ever seen.
They're like, "Are you Scottie Pippen?"
And I was like, read a book, jeez.
She's dope, I love my wife, but there's always
these little reminders that we're
in an interracial relationship.
Like we were having sex recently,
she said something she never said before.
She said, "Speak Spanish to me."
Yeah, and I was like, "Que?"
It's un poquito creepy.
It wasn't even before, it was during sex,
she went, "Speak Spanish to me."
Is this a raid?
I know my rights, I know my rights.
It weirded me out, cause it's a thing.
Women have like, a Latin fetish.
You know, it's a whole thing.
They will corner you at a party,
they'll walk right up to you,
and they'll be like, "So, I hear you're
from Los Angeles. I live in Santa Monica,
but I'm originally from Chicago."
Sometimes they're not so forthright
with their fetish, they're sneaky about it.
You won't know, until they lure you back
to their bedroom, put a sombrero on your head,
and then they're like, "Let the rhythm
take you over, bailamos."
And that's weird.
I don't like it, I don't like being
objectified like that, you know,
like as a Latin lover.
I mean, if you throw a rose at me,
will I catch it in my mouth?
Yeah.
We all can.
It's day one stuff.
But I'm like, I'm going to do this,
I think it'll be fun.
Mix it up, you know, speak some Spanish to her,
it'll be fun, right?
So I do it, I launch into it.
I start with the basics, right?
I'm like, "Ay!"
"Ooh, ay ay ay,"
"Que nina mas mala" (What a bad girl)
Que atrevida. (How daring.)
Ay, no me mires asi con esos ojos tan...
Azules.
(Don't look at me like that with those blue eyes)
Esa piel tan blanca. (That skin so white.)
Esas piernas tan largas y fuertes. (Those legs so long...)
(and strong.)
Ven aca. (Come here.)
Besame. (Kiss me.)
She's loving it.
Like, in English I'm whatever.
You throw a little chimichurri on the steak,
it's a little more appetizing, you know?
She's all into it, she's loving it.
I'm not a big dirty talker.
I start running out of shit to say, right?
So I'm like,
"Ay, la cama!" (The bed!)
I started naming objects in the room.
Mira al techo. Mira la pared. (Look at the ceiling, wall.)
Y el bano. El bano tan grande. (The bathroom is big.)
Mira que bano (What a bathroom.)
Que bano mas sucio. (What a dirty bathroom.)
Por que bano esta tan sucio?
(Why is the bathroom so dirty?)
Yo lo limpia la semana pasada, (I cleaned it last week)
Y ya tan sucio. (And it's already dirty.)
Por tu madre, por favor, limpialo! (Please clean it!)
(laughter)
She has no idea what I'm saying,
her Spanish is worse than I thought,
she thinks I'm fucking Pablo Neruda right now.
So I realize, I can say whatever.
So I say,
Voy a poner un monton periódicos chinos
en tu Nissan Altima
(laughter)
Which means I'm going to stuff a bunch
of Chinese newspapers in your Nissan Altima.
And it was the best sex we ever had.
It was amazing, cause we both won.
She got her Latin lover fantasy.
And I got to ask her boobs where the library is.
That's right, I said,
donde esta la booblioteca
and that is the dumb end to that joke.
(laughter)
Let's see, I'm thinking about becoming a dad.
Yeah, I think it's dad time.
I mean, I have too many fun shirts first of all.
I have to become a dad or start selling cocaine.
I think that's how that works.
Also, I'm sick of being an uncle.
I'm Latino, I've been an uncle since fifth grade.
My grandma's eleven.
It's time for me to step it up, you know?
I want to have a kid, I want that kid to speak Spanish.
That's important to me.
And I want it to speak Spanish well.
My sister has a son.
He speaks Spanish like this.
He's like,
"Hola abuela."
"Feliz Navidad."
Like a fucking bilingual ninja turtle and shit.
(speaking Spanish)
Dude?
I speak Spanish because I'm Cuban.
Hold the applause.
And I'm Cuban and I'm the first person
in my family born in the United States.
Anybody else?
Where's your family from?
- Guatemala
- Guatemala, shit hell yeah.
You're whiter looking than me.
That's dope.
That's awesome.
Did your parents put a lot of pressure on you
when you were growing up?
They were chill?
What did they want you to be when you grew up?
- Graduate high school.
- Okay, all right, set the bar.
- Whatever I wanted.
- Whatever you wanted, okay,
well I hope they cut this part of the taping out.
I was like, this is going to be interesting.
This is someone from New Zealand,
and they're like no, Guatemala,
and my parents are totally chill.
My parents were not chill.
They had such high expectations.
They wanted me to be a fucking astronaut.
Isn't that ridiculous?
They were in the country for a year,
when I was born.
They wanted me to go to fucking space.
Isn't that crazy?
I think my parents forgot that
they're hard working immigrants.
I'm an American.
My dream is to get hit by a Wal-Mart truck,
get paid for the rest of my life.