I usually try to keep things as positive and
motivational as possible on my channel because that's how I like to be that's how I like to live life and
I recognize that this topic this video doesn't quite fit into that
But it's something that I've got to get off my chest and more importantly
I think this could be useful for somebody out there. This is a topic
I don't see a lot of people talk about on the Internet
This is hard for me to talk about because this experience had such an impact on me
You know, I went through a dark period in my life
Because of what happened it's a really complicated story. It's not black and white
But again, if I can help somebody out there from sharing these sorts of experiences then it's all worth it to me
Okay, so some background first a little over a couple of years ago
I moved to Argentina to live with a host family of four for three months
It was an au pair kind of situation where I would help out for 15 hours a week
teaching English taking care of the kids in
exchange for
Food a place to live and sleep and the rest of my time free from my point of view
I'm more than fulfilled my obligations, but I think secretly they wanted me to speak English all the time
But unfortunately, I was there to study Spanish and I was clear about my intentions even before I arrived
So the person in question here is my host father. He was a really articulate charismatic guy
He could tell excellent stories at parties, you know, he would captivate your attention things started out really well. I felt welcomed
overall, I was really enjoying my experience and
You know, I respected my host father. He built up my trust
I wanted him to respect me and in a way kind of like
You know approve of me over time though things shifted and I can only see this clearly in retrospect
You know looking back. He was a really demanding guy very manipulative. Very manipulative. He would use long silences to make me feel stupid or
Use things that I would say or do against me
I felt like I was always doing something wrong
Screwing things up and it kind of felt like I was falling into his mental traps again
I can only say that looking back at the time. I had no idea
I didn't realize it at the time but he didn't like me. Okay, there was something about me that rubbed him the wrong way
I think we had very different worldviews. I think he didn't really like my personality and
Neither, he nor I knew how to handle his dislike for me
I think it's important to mention that that feeling was really foreign to me
I grew up in a home where both of my parents loved me unconditionally
I could have turned out any other way and they would have loved me the same
I've always had freedom and space to make mistakes and be myself and express my opinions and
The same goes for any friends that I've ever had
Anybody else or anything else? I would immediately remove from my life on top of it
I had had several host families in my time in France a couple years before and everything had gone really
Well, you know, they honestly feel like family to me now
I honestly thought that I was pretty adaptive and knew how to follow rules
But the problem here was that my host father in Argentina had
Beliefs and opinions that were set in stone pretty much either you agreed with him or you were wrong, you know
He was super critical of America
I saw him be very critical of other people kind of like he looked down on other people things evolved really quickly and the thing
was there was no communication, you know, it was almost like I had to sort of figure out what was going on and
All of it was very uncomfortable. You know, I'm very vocal. I tried bringing it up
I tried to ask him what was going on if there were things that I needed to change or fix
but again
It was kind of like it was up to me to figure things out and I know it sounds like I'm describing a different person
From the charming human that I met and spoke about two minutes ago, and that's exactly how I felt
So this dynamic really created a very unhealthy mind game that has messed with me for a long time. I'm a people pleaser
I don't like to let people down and
I was blaming myself for everything
I thought I was the reason everything was going wrong and
My self-esteem and self-confidence fell off a cliff and the situation just kept spiraling, dude
Oh my god, it just got so out of control
I just want to pause right there and say that we as human beings have intrinsic value. Okay, that's not the same as
Economic value or anything else? You're worth something
If anyone in your life makes you feel as horribly as I felt they shouldn't be in your life
You need to do something before the damage is done
Another part of this is that I let my self-image be completely manipulated
I lacked the self respect and the self confidence that I needed to be able to handle the situation if you're utterly reliant on
the love and support of others and external praise all the time kind of like I was
Doomed to go through what I went through
Because you're going to cross paths with somebody who's not going to give it to you and maybe that's a rite of passage
But whatever the case may be
I realized that my self respect and self belief are sacred and I should never give them away
So my last month in that home was kind of a blur now. There were parts of myself that I was shutting down
I was kind of entering this sort of like sleepwalk mode and
I was just emotionally numbing myself out and that's the really scary part
I saw firsthand that you can seek material pleasures, but that is not going to solve any of your problems
I was running but I couldn't hide not for myself, you know
You can't hide from yourself and I think back to that period and I'm like, who was that person?
You know, that's what is really terrifying to me
And I think that planted the seeds for where I am now because just like I'm doing the exact opposite
I'm trying to dig deeper emotionally and figure things out and think critically about stuff
I want to say it was one of the worst periods of my entire life
At the very least it was one of the most confusing phases I've ever gone through and I tried so hard
To please him then I bent myself completely out of shape
But I'm extremely grateful for those experiences because I could see stuff
That maybe I was hiding from myself or that I didn't like about myself
So so clearly it was staring me in the face. Like I couldn't I couldn't run anymore
I walked away with a vision and an example of a person that lives in a life full of negativity and manipulation and
That's actually an extremely valuable thing that I've been using as a compass for myself on how to live my own life
you know the things that I want to steer away from the things I don't want to become that's huge and I'm really grateful to
have
That valuable knowledge that valuable information and the thing is like yeah. Okay. So this guy always had to be the best
He always had to make other people feel terrible about themselves
He always had to be right but you know
I let him do that and I'm not saying I should have fought him or whatever. It was his home
It was never my place to question him anyway, but I should have quit, you know, sometimes it's okay to quit sometimes
It's okay to move on and say look. We're not a good match
Let's just move on with our lives. I've just always had this like
Never say die. Don't quit attitude, and I wanted to go through with the whole thing
I've learned a lot and continue to learn a lot about self forgiveness and
self-acceptance
For past mistakes so that you can move forward with your life. I can't say I fully like forgiving this guy or moved on
Because look I'm talking about it two years later
but I work towards that every day and
There's a part of me that feels sorry for him because this is like all he knows and this sounds like anybody in your life
You've got to do something about it
You've either got to speak up and communicate and share how you feel or you've got to remove this negative influence from your life
I did neither of those things and I paid a really high emotional price
You are the only person that can stand up for yourself. I apologize for such a long video
It's a very loaded story for me and I did my best to retell it concisely
It feels wrong to do a whole lot of self-promotion after a video of this nature
So I'll just say that if you want to see more honest content kind of like this video
Consider subscribing to this channel and thanks for watching
You