Welcome to the Sept of Baylor, a shrine to bad front-office decisions,
the kind that have led all of you here to the draft lottery!
Today, we gather in the presence of the lottery gods
to witness the bestowing of the first pick.
I am Mark Tatum, Hand of the High Commissioner
Where’s the Silver Lord?
What, he too good for us?
Yes, actually. And besides, this is…
this is sort of my thing.
Yeah, you know what?
Let’s just take a moment to appreciate Mark Tatum
That’s right!
Let’s give a little love to the guy behind the guy
OK all right. Thanks.
As per tradition, each house has chosen one delegate to represent them
I do question some of your delegate choices,
but then again, questionable decisions are why
many of you find yourselves here.
Um...House Pelicans...
Come on, you know who the fanlings want to see
That’s better
Um...excuse me, House Mavs?
What is this?
We’re, uh, Triple Dirks
OK, well, you gotta pick one representative,
so figure out who is the next Dirk in the next 10 seconds, please.
All right, well, I mean, I’m the most experienced…
Well, I’m clearly the face of House Mavericks
And I’m from Dirk’s hometown
so yeah...I mean it’s hard
We all have really good cases
All right, you know what? I’ll let you guys sort this out next season
House Lakers?
-Get out there -All right. Get off me
Hi
Hey
OK, so, we’re all good?
Everyone knows how this works?
Uh...not really
Right. Well, each house will have a chance to make
their final plea to the lottery gods as to
why they should get the first pick.
So, who would like to be the first to make a claim?
Great, the goat...made poop on the floor
Excuse me?
No, not you
Sarver, why is there a goat here?
Because it’s a metaphor and it’s FUNNY
OK, well, please send a new representative down
Preferably a human
OK, the floor is open
Oh...I’ll take a stab here
I would say to the gods
that you should give House Kings the first pick because—
Actually, no, it would go to the Sixers
Aw, crap, yeah...
OK, gods, you should give House Kings the second pick—
No, then it would go to House Celtics, I believe
Wait, what? Who made this—I made this
Ugh
OK, do some—someone else should go. I don’t want to.
No house has fallen harder than that of the Grizzly
Ser Gasol is gone,
but Chandler Parsons—and his stupid contract—remain
Eh, could be worse
Bless us, oh lottery gods, with the squire Zion,
so that Grit and Grind may rise again,
as a bane to all Western powers.
The great House Knicks has not had a first pick in over 30 years
Lord Fizdale?
We finally have cast off our overrated European big man
to make room for the Great Zion
Please, gods, take that for data,
and give House Knicks the first pick.
Oh yeah, please
If House Knicks gets Zion, they’ll just
send him away in another terrible trade, right?
Rude!
You, Ser Kristaps, are now banned from The Garden!
OK, you can’t just ban an opposing knight from your arena
You’re banned, Mark!
Does anyone else want to make a plea to the gods?
Ah, Ser Devin. Welcome.
Screw House Suns!
They rejected our alliance
and stole the first pick from us last year.
Yeah, they already have Luka!
No they don’t
Wait, so who did you guys take?
I think Trae Young
Huh? What?
We took Deandre Ayton
Oh, yeah
How's he been this year?
He’s actually pretty solid…
Yeah?
Uh, yeah, he’s quietly having a decent squire season
-Oh, that’s good to hear -You like to hear that
Ser Anthony Davis?
You want to make a plea for House Pelicans?
Yes
Read this, and we will trade you to House Lakers
Not that part. Don’t read that part!
Ah, right. OK, let’s try this again
We, House Pelicans, are but a humble house,
and we kindly ask you for your blessing.
Zion is the hero that House Pelicans needs,
a knight who can take us further than one playoff series win...
...in seven seasons.
We once had a transformative, all-realm knight,
but he lacked the fortitude to take…
the fortitude it takes to commit to a small market.
OK, it’s MY fault? That I—
Sorry I couldn't beat House Warriors with Jrue Holiday
and half a season of Boogie Cousins.
Um, thank you, AD...
House Cavs, would you like to make your case?
If the gods truly care to see the squire Zion flourish,
they should give the first pick to House Cavs,
where he will be surrounded by championship-caliber veterans
and a Lord who knows how to win.
Oh, please. You know, there’s a reason I left...
twice.
Oh yeah?
Because you’ve made House Lakers such
a welcoming place for young talent?
Who's fitting out now?
Hey Kevin?
Yes, LeBron?
I miss you.
I...
I miss you too
All right, guys...
let’s maybe keep the overt tampering to a minimum.
OK, then. Who's next?
House Hawks?
Wait, every house here has to go? Ugh.
Yes. House Hawks, please go ahead.
All right
Um, dear lottery gods, our house is on the rise
If Zion joins us—
maybe 42-year-old Vince Carter
won’t have to play 17 minutes a battle
OK, who else? Minnesota?
I mean, how many No. 1 picks
do you guys need to make the tournament?
Apparently more than three
This is fun
Hey, do us
No
Who else? House Wizards?
I mean, who wouldn’t want to play with Dwight Howard?
By the way,
when does John Wall’s supermax start?
Next year?
Asking for a friend
OK, who else we got? House Bulls?
Oh yeah, I’m sure Zion wants
to spend his first year having knights-only meetings
-about how many push-ups are OK. -OK. OK. All right. LeBron...
please show a little respect.
For many of these houses,
this is the highlight of their season.
Here, here!
Oh yeah, and why is that?
Maybe instead of looking to the gods,
you all should be looking at yourselves.
Rubbish houses with uninspiring Lord Commanders,
foolish masters of trade,
arrogant lords
You’re banned!
These are things a knight,
no matter how great, can't overcome.
I learned that the hard way
Zion may be the Prince who was Promised,
but he will not save you.
Because if you don’t give a GOAT the support he needs,
then he’s gonna walk out the door.
and all you’re gonna be left with...
...is poop on the floor.
All right
Well, on that note...
why don't we go ahead and see who got the first pick?
And the winner of the Zion lottery is...
House Pelicans!
[Murmurs of disappointment. Gayle Benson cheers ecstatically.]
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But, 'tis merely a pumpfake!
No
I open a new tab,
-I search 'Beanie Melo', -No
and I read the comments on my workout videos.
No, that's exactly what you shouldn't do