- If I could see a movie about a boat sinking
and then you sneak in and you see some, some movies,
I'm like, "Okay, this is a win.
It was a classic movie."
- So it's time to try and remember some movies.
- That's that movie?
- I have no idea what's going on.
I'm just talking away.
(Tefi babbling)
- I'm scared.
- This is gonna be a "Long Story Short."
(upbeat music)
Wait, hold on.
"Scream" was the one, I'm thinking of "Scary Movie."
Which one was "Scream" again?
- Naomi Campbell. (buzzer rings)
Is that her name?
Naomi Campbell? (buzzer rings)
No, it's not Naomi Campbell. (Tefi laughing)
Neve Campbell! (bell dings)
Maybe they're distant relatives or something.
(buzzer rings) No, okay.
- I think Jennifer Love Hewitt is on this movie.
(buzzer rings) - What's his name?
David, David.
David, you know him. (buzzer rings)
- David Arquette? (bell dings)
- And Drew Barrymore.
Hello, Drew Barrymore, iconic.
I think it's a wig. (bell dings)
Iconic blonde wig.
- I think she sports it quite well though.
- The very first scene,
Drew Barrymore gets killed. (ominous tone)
- Usually the main character, you think,
"It's Drew Barrymore, like, she's not gonna die."
- The black dude was supposed to get killed
in the first five minutes.
So that probably upset people, like,
"What the hell, why didn't Brandy die?"
Brandy wasn't in that, or was that,
(buzzer rings)
"I Know What You Did Last Summer?"
(bell dings)
They're the same movie to me.
- So, the killer, like, he was sick and twisted
because he would call you on your phone.
- She gets a call on like, the, like a brick, like,
I guess it's a phone (phone ringing)
but it was like the biggest thing I've ever seen.
- "Hello.
So what's your favorite scary movie?"
- "Do you like scary movies?"
It was crazy.
My voice is so deep.
That means I have to change my voice.
Maybe it was me.
- Minutes wasn't even free back then.
So you call my cell phone,
unless you're trying to kill me after nine,
it wasn't gonna happen. (phone ringing)
- Ghostface killer, and not Ghostface the rapper,
is running around town-
- This white mask that looks like melted Brie, okay?
- It looks like a Halloween mask
that you got from, like, party city
and your mom was putting, bringing groceries in the house
and she left it on the stove and it melted.
And she says, "Go ahead, just go wear the mask."
- In the end, it turns out to be Neve Campbell's boyfriend.
Plot twist of all life.
I remember being gagged.
- Your boyfriend is capable of being a serial killer.
And that's something that we don't think about, you know?
We're too busy looking at like astrology compatibility.
I don't care if he's a Pisces rising,
he could be a serial killer Sun, you know?
- The characters are referencing other scary movies
and how dumb the victims are in the scary movies.
But then, they themselves are walking into the same track.
It's like, have you not realized
when a killer is behind you? (ominous music playing)
Like, can you really be that dumb to not realize
a killer's right behind you?
Like, run bitch! (Justina screams)
(upbeat music playing)
- Yes, I do know "Twilight!"
People, like, got their lives together
to go to the midnight premiere.
And I was just like obsessed.
- I know it's the movie about the ashy guy
and the guy that doesn't have a shirt.
And they're like, madly in love with the girl.
It reminded me, like, of the Halloween version
of "Dawson's Creek."
Wasn't there two, like, dudes that fell in love
with a girl and goes to the creek?
They're like a Dawson?
Or was Dawson the guy?
I don't know. (audience laughing)
(nervously laughing) I don't know.
I'm definitely, you know, I, yeah.
- Bella meets Edward.
She's a regular gal, okay? (bell dings)
And Edward is this hot vampire.
(bell dings)
- She, like, thought he was weird.
And I guess she loved that because she's weird.
- One whiff, (sniffs hair)
and Edward's, like... (mimics spring coiling sound)
The vampire penis is erect.
- Then you throw in the mix, Jacob, he's a werewolf.
- Fake K9 energy. (dog barking)
- Jacob's in love with her in like the,
uh, way. (mimics sexy sound)
And she's in love with Jacob in the,
aww, way. (mimics adoring sound)
- I'm Team Jacob, personally.
'Cause I love a hairy man.
I wanna be able to find it.
You know what I mean?
Like give me a challenge.
- She's like Googled the town
and it has, like, a history of vampires.
And so, she was like, "Period, Edward's a vampire."
- They're in a forest, okay?
The tallest trees you've ever seen.
- It's always in the woods.
Like, they don't have a house?
Do they have houses in "Twilight?"
(buzzer rings)
Or they just live in the woods?
(bell dings)
- Bella says, "Are you a vampire?
Just be straight up, homey."
- Like, it's like, so sexual and crazy.
Like, "Say it."
And then she's like, "Vampire."
- He's like, "Yeah, I'm a vampire."
W-Y-D.
- Edward says something about like,
"Hop on, spider monkey." (monkey screams)
(Sherry laughing)
They just shoot straight up to the tree!
- So, he ends up biting her.
She becomes a vampire.
- But, yeah, they end up together
and they have a,
a CGI baby called Renesmee, (baby crying)
that literally looks like one of the frogs in "Thumbelina."
Very far apart features.
- Lots of stuff happened, but, that's basically the premise.
- And it happened at night
that's why it was called "Twilight."
- Like it's crazy.
That is so weird. (Gottmik laughs)
(upbeat music playing)
- "American Pie."
That's the, that's the pie (beep) movie.
Right? (crickets chirping)
Is the other person in the movie?
Do they do other things in it?
- "American Pie."
Four dudes in high school.
They want to lose their virginities.
All of them are like idiots. (bell dings)
- Friends have a pack to have sex
by the end of the school year.
I think. (bell dings)
- There's a, there's a guy in there.
Jason, Jason Statham? (buzzer rings)
- Was that Ashton Kutcher or no?
(buzzer rings) - Jason.
Jason Beetman, Bateman. (buzzer rings)
- No.
- There's a Jason in this movie.
- Why would I believe it was Ashton Kutcher?
Who was it? - Biggs!
Jason Biggs.
That's who it is. (bell dings)
Oh, Lord, having sex with a pie.
Then you gotta wash it.
And then now you got pie in your shower.
You can't explain that.
- We have redhead girl, right?
Who's Jason Biggs lover.
Alison Hannigan? (bell dings)
"How I Met Your, Buffy, the Vampire Slayer?"
And she went to band camp.
She's sticking flutes up her (beep)
before Lizzo was doing it on stage, you know?
- When someone's getting into a crazy story,
like, they still refer to that line, like,
"This one time at band camp."
- This movie is just about having sex
with inanimate objects.
So, that's weird.
- It's all based on the sex and alcohol-obsessed
culture of the American teenager.
And if you think about it,
it's really a documentary and a timepiece.
- The moral of the movie is, if you can't find a man,
you can always use your hand.
And if you can't find a girl that's fly,
you can always bang an apple pie.
(upbeat music playing)
(Big Mack humming Titanic theme)
(record scratches) - That's in it.
- I'm like, this time, they're not gonna hit the iceberg.
He's gonna sit.
It's a mountain of ice! (iceberg rumbling)
It's a mountain of ice.
- So, they're on this boat.
And it's iconic because, you know,
at the time there weren't that many boats?
- People are like,
"Oh my God, I've never seen something so big."
- Rose had lots of schmoney.
So she was running around doing schmoney
and fancy people, things. (bell dings)
- She had a fiance
who was kind of a dick. (bell dings)
- And Jack, I think he was either working,
I think he was working on the boat.
(buzzer rings) - Jack was on the boat
'cause he won a ticket.
(bell dings)
- I'm the king of the world.
- Aah, Adrian! (buzzer rings)
Oh, it's a different movie.
- I feel like every idiot in the world,
anytime they ever got on a boat, like myself,
and we're like, "Oh, I'm on a boat.
I don't know how to act."
You go to the edge of the boat and you scream,
"I'm the king of the world."
I actually did it once,
the ocean took my phone. (waves crashing)
That's how Rose felt in the moment when,
when her and Jack was hands, I was like,
"I'll never let go."
- He and Rose had a romance, a forbidden romance.
- They showed the girl's titties.
(bell dings)
"Jack, don't post this on Instagram."
But, you know, I realized that wasn't out there back then.
- The truth is it's never left me.
I mean, every time I do an interview,
someone asks me about it.
- The iceberg hits the Titanic.
It starts to go down.
- They were getting the rich people off first.
So, you know, Rose was good.
- Cut to Jack and Rose, okay?
They're on this little piece of wood
that feels like it's tiny,
but it was actually pretty big, okay?
It could have fit, like, all three Jonas brothers.
- So Leonardo had to hold on,
he just floated away and died.
- "I'll never let go.
I'll never let go."
But the bitch let go.
- You didn't even try to hold me.
I would have, I'd had literally,
used my last energy to swim back up there and be like,
"Why did you say that?"
- Yeah, I was, I suppose,
I was submerged in the ice a lot more.
But, look, it was a team effort.
We all knew what we were getting into.
(ship horn honks)
- See, I told you.
Short.
We shortened the stories.
It would have been a lot longer, but-
- I mean, that's how I remember it,
but things are a little fuzzy.
- And you don't have to watch it anymore
because that's exactly what happened.
So, you're welcome.
(upbeat music playing)