-Welcome, everybody.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, here's some good news.
Today, President Biden officially ended
his quarantine after testing negative for COVID.
Yeah, that's right. [ Cheers and applause ]
And now that he's got a few weeks of immunity,
Biden's about to rage!
Ooh! ♪♪
"Jill, we're having dinner at 7 o'clock tonight.
Oh, yeah."
Yeah, Biden beat COVID,
and, luckily, COVID conceded gracefully.
Even though he tested negative,
not that much changes for Biden.
He still works from home, avoids crowds,
and takes 20 pills a day.
That's right, Biden is COVID-free.
He even gave a quick speech from The White House Rose Garden,
and it sounds like he's back to his old self.
Take a listen.
-Millions of Americans have used Paxlavoid --
Paxlovid, excuse me.
Paxlovid. [ Chuckles ]
I tell you what, I think it's -- I used it.
[ Laughs ]
-Welcome back, Mr. President. Welcome back.
Can we wrap it up? [ Cheers and applause ]
Some more news from The White House.
The Biden administration just launched a new website
designed to help Americans facing extreme temperatures
called Heat.gov.
Yeah, the website is still in the beta phase,
so they only have one photo and one video.
Here's the photo. And...
And here's the video.
So, just stay cool.
That's all I can say is stay cool, everybody.
Guys, yesterday, former president Trump
gave a speech in Washington, D.C.,
and he said pretty much what you'd expect.
So instead of showing the same clips
that you've seen a million times,
it's time for another installment of
"Trump With No Context."
Enjoy.
[ Fanfare ]
-I'd go up to LeBron James. It doesn't matter.
I'd say, "LeBron, did you ever have any desire to be a woman?"
[ Fanfare ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Cymbal crash ]
-Well, former vice president -- I have no --
-What?
-Former vice president Mike Pence
has a new memoir coming out in November,
and he just revealed that the title is "So Help Me God."
But that wasn't the first title that he came up with.
We actually got our hands on some of the other ones
that he was considering.
So let's -- -Oh, here we go.
-What's up, Tariq? -Let me guess.
You're going to list a bunch of fake Mike Pence memoir titles.
-I mean, yeah, that was the plan.
-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And then a little graphic is going to pop up
for each one so that the audience
can read the title and then "laugh about it."
-Right, yeah. Visuals often help sell a joke.
Yeah, they would love it. Yeah.
-Yeah, I know exactly how this is going to go down.
See, first, a graphic will pop up that says...
And then, under that, you'll list, like, fake book titles,
something like...
-Yeah, yeah. -Or...
-Yeah. -Or...
-Yeah, that's true.
-And then you'll try some other ones like...
Or -- I don't know -- something like...
-Yeah. -Or...
-Yeah, that's true.
-And then you're just going to end it with something
a little controversial like...
-Yeah, yeah.
-Is that -- That's how this is gonna go?
-Yeah, yeah. You nailed it.
-Cool, 'cause it's a fun bit. You should do it.
-We'll do it tomorrow. Tariq Trotter, everybody.
Thank you very much. Appreciate it.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
That is a good bit.
Switching gears, I saw that former President Obama
just released his summer playlist.
And it's got songs like Beyoncé's "Break My Soul,"
Kendrick Lamar's "Die hard,"
and Drake and Rihanna's "Too Good."
Well, our current president didn't want to be left out,
so he just released his own.
-Hey, America, check out
President Biden's Summer Playlist,
featuring Joe's favorite summer jams, like...
[ Jazz music playing ]
-♪ Muskrat ramble tune ♪
-And, of course...
-♪ I can lick it, I can ride it ♪
♪ While you slippin' and slidin' ♪
♪ I can do...♪
-President Biden's Summer Playlist,
available at all participating Five-and-Dimes.
-Oh, any five-and-dime. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Any five-and-dime that participates.
Some business news.
I read that Chipotle is about to raise their prices
for the second time this year.
[ Audience boos ]
At this point, they're becoming
the fast-food version of Netflix.
Yeah, their prices are getting crazy.
At Chipotle, now E. coli is $2 extra.
Can you believe that?
Did you guys see this?
Once again, nobody hit last night's Mega Millions jackpot,
and now the prize has surged to over $1 billion.
Yep, winning this jackpot is probably
the fastest way to become a billionaire.
The other way is being a trillionaire
who invests in Bitcoin.
Yeah.
Well, this is cool.
Apparently, here in the city, they're about to expand
cell service and Wi-Fi in the subway.
So if you're watching our show on the train right now,
here are some New York-subway-riding
tips for you.
Number one...
That usually helps, yeah. Number two...
That usually works.
And, finally, number three...
There you have it.
There's a little tip for you guys.
Thank you for watching the show on the subway.
Well, get this.
According to a new survey, when dinner is ready,
the majority of parents text their kids
instead of yelling to them.
Yep, parents text their kids when dinner is ready.
Yep, then the kids respond,
"Mom, that's not what an eggplant emoji means.
Don't do that."
♪♪
-Eggplant.
-And, finally, a former strip club in Wisconsin
has been turned into a Christian Day school.
Yeah, it's going to be weird on Parent-Teacher Day
when all the dads know their way around the building.
We have a great show, everyone.