[theme music]
[Marc] Ladies and gentleman, welcome to
The Earliest Show with Josh and Sam.
[voicing] Come on. Come on. We have to do a show now.
OK. Alright.
OK. Welcome to The Earliest Show.
- Cheers. - [clink]
How are ya?
[slurping]
- Hello. I said, how are ya Josh. - I want to die.
I want to die. I don't understand why anything happens in life.
Why do people feel pain?
What's the point of feeling love if you can feel pain?
That's a little deep for me. Not sure.
OK. You know, I want to say though, I do notice you look amazing today.
Great, great tux.
This is the tux I picked out for our wedding.
I was so certain she was going to say yes.
I got a purple tux, because it's her favorite color.
You know, I got to launch right into this whole business here Marc.
Marc, you hear me? Marc? Earth to Marc.
College kids aren't popping' and droppin' are they?
Why would a college kid stand up just to fall back down?
Why did we spend so much time talking about that?
- We did extensive research on it. - But they're not doing it.
So, where did you come up with that? How'd you come up with that?
Uh... pop and lock.
So you took a famous phrase,
and you changed it into something else and invented it on the spot?
Apparently, pop and lock is a beatbox thing that the kids do.
- [Sam] No it's not. - [Marc] What is it?
- It's dancing. - It's a dance move.
[Josh] What do you think pop and lock is? Show me what you think it is.
- [Marc beatboxes] - Beatboxing.
What do you think beatboxing is?
- [Marc is tapping his foot] - You think beatboxing is tapping your foot?
Well, look, I don't know everything under the sun.
- You know, I'm just doing my best. - Well you prove that everyday.
Josh, why don't you take this next story?
- I don't want to. - Please? Please for me.
There was a kid-- There was a 6 year-old kid
- who won the lottery. - Uh...
Is he single?
- He's a 6 year-old. So, yeah. - Uh... can he be my sugar daddy?
- He can be your sugar... son. - My sugar baby.
- He can be a sugar baby. - That's fine.
- Is that fine? - Yeah.
As long as the money's coming in. [chuckles]
OK. So, I'm thinking... I got an idea.
Why don't we dance over to The Social Wall
and see what our fans are writing to us.
- ♪ - Get that music going.
[Sam chuckles]
♪
[softly] Hey buddy, come on, Social Wall. Here we go.
[talking indistinctly]
♪
He made it. Three cheers for Josh. [cheering]
- OK. - Welcome to The Social Wall
presented by Cap'n Crunch.
@GranpaFred1932 says:
"I'm looking for my wife. I think she called here. Hello?"
Ooh, you've got the wrong number sir.
No, it's not a number, it's a post.
How do you even think that this is a phone call?
If you typed, you typed.
@ThrillSeekrr-- Spelled wrong. So we're already off to a great start.
Well, sometimes they're already taken.
[Josh] "I'm at the top of a roller coaster
and was wondering, what's your ahhhhhhh."
For real?
You-- You posted at the top of a roller coaster,
and then as you were going down you wrote "Ahhhhhhh"?
Ahhhhhh! [chuckles]
I have been on a roller coaster this entire week,
and it's been like this:
Oh my God, it could be good, could be good...
Nooooooo-ooooooh!
- Oooooooh! - Oooooh. Oh.
- [imitates a crash] - Help! Help!
Aaah! Oh my God! Aaah!
Aaaaah. Aaah.
Aaah.
Aah.
OK.
@SingleandDoingFine12:
"What's your idea of a perfect date?"
Mmm, romantic question. What's your answer?
My answer would be just two people, one bowl of spaghetti,
one person starts on one end, the other person
starts on the other end, and you keep going,
but the spaghetti is endless, and when you finally get to the end
the girl isn't there anymore, and you're by yourself,
and you have all the carbs, and you throw up.
OK. For me I'd say, all expenses paid trip to France,
the good par with the Eiffel Tower.
What's the bad part of France?
- Country. Country side. - You don't like the country side?
- Snooze pal. - Really?
Yeah. Yeah. I want to see a big tower, made by people.
- Bonjour. - [Sam giggles] What's that?
OK. Stick around for our guests-- Some more Earliest show.
[theme music]
Don't you wish you could eat and use your hands for other things?
Now you can, with the Snack Hat.
Chips and salsa. Soup and sandwich.
Cereal and milk.
You really got to suck if you want to get those solid foods down.
- Order now! - [gagging]
[theme song]
I'm really excited about our next segment
and I'm doing it alone. Flying solo.
We have a really amazing actor with us today.
He's on the show Silicon Valley on HBO.
Put your hands together at home for Thomas Middleditch.
- Wooo! - ♪
- Oh-- Hiii! - Hey there.
- Hey. - How are you?
- Great. - Good, good. Nice to see you.
OK. Nope, sit over there.
- That's our guest chair. - Would you hug me too?
- But you're lying down. - Would you hug me too?
- You don't want to get up? - Just hug me please.
- [Sam chuckles] - OK. Alright.
Why don't you sit in that guest chair over there?
- This is it? - Special guest chair.
I'm going to move your legs, OK?
- Good to see you man. - Hey, want to get up and play with us?
I'm only going to get up if someone holds.
- Thomas? - What's that?
- Would you hold me like a baby? - In my arms?
Would you do it? Just 'cause I want to do this... segment.
I just need to be cuddled. I need to be--
I need you to love me for like 2 seconds.
- Yeah, sure man. - For real?
- Alright... Sure. - Now Thomas, while you're doing that,
I heard that you used to build furniture.
What's the smallest thing you ever built?
- The smallest thing... - Yeah.
...is uh, I built a little end table.
Uh, it was pretty neat, 'cause I actually did a,
kind of a natural finish on it using some uh...
vinegar and tea, because tea has all of these tannins in it.
And so, when you prep with some vinegar--
- Whoa! - I think you've moved a body before.
- [chuckling] - He graduated from college.
[grunting]
There you go. There you go.
So you go to the Renaissance Faire. What's up with that?
Uh... I think it's fun, you know, to kind of participate
in a collective agreement to be weird.
Josh, you want to come sit on the couch?
No.
OK, so you were your high school's valedictorian,
but the vote wasn't based on grades,
it was based on popularity. So, you're telling me you were
a cool pizza eating dude, but you were like, "F. F. F."
[chuckles] No, I don't know about pizza eating.
Uh, but yeah it was kind of a vote system. Grades didn't really matter.
Well let me tell ya, that's not what valedictorian means.
- I'm going to revoke that. - OK. Well, you can't actually, so...
- Life's not fair. - Hey man, you alright?
You're making a bunch of noise over here.
[Josh is sighing deeply]
- Can you sing a song please? - Oh, sing a song for the baby.
♪ Hey there little baby
♪ Don't be so sad
♪ You're a free man now Go to the ball
♪ Talk about dance with anyone you want now
♪ Dancing with anyone you want
♪ Kiss them inside the Rip 'em a new one
- [Josh is snorting] - ♪ Dance with anyone you want
♪ Hold their hands Dip them slow
♪ Kiss them on the Mistletoe
♪ You can dance with anyone you want now
♪ You're the free man ♪
Well...
Ugh... Well, that felt good. Thank you so much for that, refreshing tune.
Yeah. It was my pleasure.
Thank you so much for joining us Thomas. That was a blast.
Stick around. We'll be right back with
What's Cooking with Chef Tommy. We're going to make something yummy.
[theme music]
[Thomas] I grew up in a Gospel church--
[Sam] Oh, we're done with the interview. Sorry.
- [Marc] Yeah. We're uh... - [Thomas] I was just...
[Marc] You can go. Just make sure you sign out
with Mike, because he's got the--
he needs to get your signature.
[Thomas] OK.
Mmm, something smells good, and you know what that means.
It's time for What's Cookin'. Mmm, I'm hungry.
We have Chef Tommy back with us to make something delicious.
- We are so glad you're here. - Sam, I'm so happy to be back.
I love being apart of the show. Hey, Josh.
- [Josh grunts] - Yeah, buddy. Come on.
We're going to do a little bit fun cookin', huh.
Ooh, I can't wait to see what we're going to make today.
Hey, you remember what my thing is right?
- Yes, I do. - So usually I like to go through
somebody's pantry, but today I went through
somebody's special's pantry. Guess who?
Josh Eu-Bath. Look what I found in his refrigerator.
This is the stuff in my refrigerator.
This is all the stuff that we found in your refrigerator.
- That's it? - We've got things from-- Yeah.
--Petroleum jelly. Some tomato ketchup.
Some chocolate chips. Some caramel.
Yeah... A cold picture of Emily.
Why was that in the fridge?
To try to keep the relationship fresh.
Takes a lot more than that bud.
Marshmallows, milk, and then some Peanut Butter Crunch.
So guess what I thought would be fun to make?
- I can't wait to hear it. - A pizza. A steak. Steak tartare.
With all of this stuff? Get real.
He's not a cook. What are you going to make?
I'm going to make some Peanut Butter Crunch S'mores.
- [voicing] Oooh, baby! - Yeah.
I don't know if you should do a voice.
Like, your regular voice is weird enough.
Let's add a little bit of these marshmallows in here.
- OK. - Let's add a little bit of chocolate chips,
some caramel, and then we're going to throw in--
I just need to see her. If I could see her one more time
I feel like that's all it would take--
Yeah, but you know what I would let you see right now
is some more of that Peanut Butter Crunch, because I'm
going to throw it in to this waffle cone.
I'm going to throw in a little bit more of these marshmallows on top--
- She loved marshmallows. - She did, huh?
Well, you're going to love this.
Wrap it up in some foil, and go ahead
and put it in the oven for 10 minutes at 350.
- [ding] - 10 minutes!
Mmm.
Some Peanut Butter Crunch S'mores--
- Those look amazing. - --fresh out of the oven. Look at that.
That looks so sweet and delicious.
- Did you go camping as a kid? - I did go camping as a kid.
My parents used to drop me off at a park,
and then I'd have to survive for a couple of days.
[Sam] Wow, that's really an extreme version.
- Oh, is it? - He's back.
Hey buddy! Do you want to taste one of these?
- Yeah. - Come on. Come on in.
- They're so delicious. You gotta have one. - With strawberries?
Yep. From my friend. So don't take credit for them.
That's Emily's favorite fruit.
She used to eat it, put it on her tongue, and say, "Come and get it."
- Unbelievable. - She did?
That's a little salacious for me.
She didn't want me to get it with my tongue.
That's our show. Thanks so much for watching.
Tune in tomorrow for more guests and more mischief.
- Good night and good morning. - ♪
- [Josh is weeping] - Oooh, he's...
He's crying.
He's crying-- He's crying like a boy.