I used to think I was
too dumb for politics.
Now, I'm not sure I'm dumb enough.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I'm not gonna lie when you applaud,
it feels like you're saying,
we think you're dumb enough.
(audience laughing)
My dumbest friend started
posting political stuff,
and I asked him, I'm like, Do
you have any proof of this?
And he's like, "well I
"got a 1,005 word essay,"
and he sent it to me, I'm like,
nope, that's not an essay,
that's a meme
(audience laughing)
and despite what you've
been told a picture's worth,
that's not going to factor
into your word count
(audience laughing)
and I don't care,
I don't care what you
think, how you vote,
that's not important to me.
What's important is you
just make the world better.
Just see need, meet it,
if you do that, we'll be
all right, you know? I try.
Like, this year for my
grandpa, for his birthday,
I bought him a Bluetooth head set.
Not 'cause he likes
technology, he doesn't,
but he talks to himself.
(audience laughing)
Now people just think he's busy.
(audience laughing)
He's just standing there
on the sidewalk going,
"I ain't paying for no mammogram."
(audience laughing)
Which we all know is something
he used to say to my grandma
on manicure day, 'cause
he's not good with words.
(audience laughing)
Well, people walking by him are like,
Obamacare is ruining this
man's small business.
Makes him feel important,
that's good.
That's what we need.
I think the other thing
we need to realize
is we've got more in
common than we think
and the biggest thing we all
have in common, stupidity.
(audience laughing)
It's everywhere.
Just listen.
I heard this the other day,
I heard a woman say to
her friend, she said,
my daughter is 20 going on 21.
and I thought, you didn't
need that last part,
(audience laughing)
'cause most people
know how to count
(audience laughing)
and I get what she was trying to say,
'cause based on a similar phrase,
but the key to that phrase is
you're supposed to have
a gap between the ages.
That's the part that makes
it interesting enough
to say out loud.
(audience laughing)
You gotta say something like
my daughter's 20 going on 50.
That right there automatically,
much more interesting story.
You've got a college age daughter
who's acting menopausal
for some reason.
Yeah, I wanna hear about this
(audience laughing)
and the fact is, we're all
stupid, everybody in this room,
no matter how brilliant you
are, you're stupid at something.
If you're out there right
now thinking not me,
I'm not stupid, guess what?
You're probably dumbest
person in this room
(audience laughing)
and I say that knowing full
well that I'm stupid, I do
and I know that 'cause sometimes
I go to those restaurants
where they read you the specials
before they take your order
and I realized recently,
I don't think I've ever gotten
through a full list of those specials,
and understood every
word that dude said.
I always get thrown off by something.
Ganache, come on.
(audience laughing)
That feels made up to me.
(audience laughing)
Bronzino, I think that's a fish,
but sounds like a tanning accelerator,
also, it's confusing.
(audience laughing)
Sometimes I get defensive.
You say cranberry reduction,
and I'm not sure what that means,
but I feel like you're gonna
bring me less cranberries.
(audience laughing)
That waiter looked
at me like I was stupid
and he was a hundred
percent correct, he was
and I don't have a problem
with that, I don't.
I think we all have blind spots,
We've gotta figure out ways
to learn about other people,
step outside of your comfort zone.
I did that recently went
to my first gay wedding.
My buddy was marrying his partner.
He invited us to come,
I didn't know what to expect.
My other buddies didn't wanna come.
He's like, gay marriage
will tear apart the fabric
of traditional marriage
and you know what,
he might've have a point,
'cause we went to that wedding
and it was amazing, it was.
I think if you go to
enough gay weddings,
you may stop going to
straight weddings altogether,
(audience laughing)
'cause a gay wedding is
all of the celebration
and revelry of a traditional wedding,
but with zero brides, it's so much fun.
(audience laughing)
My whole life,
I thought I hated weddings.
Turns out, I don't like brides.
(audience laughing)
This was a wedding planned
by two dudes, it was amazing.
The moderator,
former wrestling announcer.
He's like, who's ready for matrimony?
They chest bumped at the altar,
I think some of their
vows were from Fight Club.
(audience laughing)
I got so excited at one point
I almost spilled my nachos.
It was the greatest,
(audience laughing)
it was the greatest wedding
experience I've ever had.
(audience laughing)
The best part of the whole thing,
is it all lasted about
the same amount of time
it normally takes a bride
to walk from the back of the church
to the front of the church.
I looked at my girlfriend, I'm like,
I don't know if we're getting married,
but if we do we're
getting gay married,
this looks amazing.
(audience laughing)
That's gonna be my special day.