"Welcome to E3 2017!"
(applause)
(clocks ticking)
"So...umm..."
(clocks still ticking)
"Thank you Ni- for having me."
(awkward silence)
"We'll be showing the...uh..."
DUNKEY: Yeah, we got nothing.
I guess they did show the new Star Wars game, which I feel like people
are forgetting is a sequel to Star Wars: Battlefront.
"We got a lot of feedback."
"A lot of it positive..."
(dink)
"...and a bunch of it constructive."
(sustained gunfire)
They're adding a campaign mode, They're saying all the DLC is going to be free;
They're definitely making steps in the right direction,
but this is EA, okay?
They'll find some way to fuck it up.
"It's gonna be awesome. I can't wait- are you guys excited?"
Not really.
(How to screw up a high-five, as demonstrated by EA)
(Clap)
Okay, I'm excited for this, though.
MachineGames delivered a great single-player shooter
with Wolfenstein: The New Order,
a game which ditched the "Call of Duty" model, and we're back to
doing things the old way.
Health packs, secrets, maze-like levels,
and then Doom followed suit last year with another great campaign.
Bethesda focused more on showing narrative stuff,
which was the weak link for me in both of these games.
"Good girl, Liesel! *Braver Hund*!" *"Good dog!"
Apparently the Nazis had won World War II and now control America,
They had this guy who's supposed to be Christoph Waltz,
they had this dude tripping off acid, playing with a little cartoon,
It looks like they're embracing a wackier tone,
which is exactly the right mood for this kind of game.
Then you've got Ori 2 over here, didn't even show gameplay,
and this is already one of the safest bets of E3.
If you've played the orginal, you know what I'm talking about.
Blasphemous, on the other hand, is a riskier pick.
This Kickstarter caught my eye with it's Incredible sprite work,
although from what I can tell this one is still in the
very early stages of production.
"New IP."
"It's the lifeblood of our industry."
"There's no better feeling than losing yourself in a completely new experience."
This is just The Division meets Destiny.
They even brought in those shitty gaming actors from the Ubisoft trailers.
"Ah, yes! Jarra's Wrath!"
"Oh, nice."
This looks pretty cool though.
M-maybe I'll try this one.
Got a new Kingdom Hearts 3 trailer.
The concept of a action RPG with Disney characters is GENIUS.
On the other hand...
a CROSSOVER between Final Fantasy and Disney is...
Wha-what the fuck?
I hope they seriously downplay the Final Fantasy stuff here
And deliver a story that's more Lion King
than fucking...
"Gilgamesh!"
"You might be surprised."
"Well, I hope so."
There is so much potential here. Just... Please, Square.
Please, capitalize on that.
♪
Speaking of crossovers...
Who's responsible for this?
Hitler 2000, perhaps?
Mario meets Rayman Rabbids meets X-COM.
I-I don't... understand. Why does this existing right now?
But it- it actually looks decent.
And so does South Park: But Whole.
"Aww, dude!"
"All right, my turn."
Only a sliver of RPGs appeal with me, and this is one of them.
And maybe this.
One of them will be good.
Probably South Park.
Ooh. Now this is interesting.
The first Shadow of Mordor was unanimously crowned
the fun version of Assassin's Creed.
For me it was a nice foundation, but it didn't feel entirely realized.
Sure, you have all this horrific violence, but where's the funny Shrek character?
"You serve the BRIGHT LORD now!"
(thrilling music)
"Bright Lord, Dark Lord? Same thing, really."
See? Now this is how you make a good game.
(pop)
♪
"4K. 4K. 4K. 4K. 4K. 4K."
"9/11. 9/11."
"4K."
"9/11."
"60 frames per second."
"7."
"3rd."
"7."
"4K."
"60 frames per second."
"The most powerful console ever made."
"Now, let's see what this monster can do."
(crowds cheering)
Are you fucking kidding me?
"I hope you're reminded today why it's so great to be a gamer on Xbox."
Beyond Good and Evil 2 in the house, looking fucking weird as shit.
"What!?!"
but I've learned to trust this director,
Michel Ancel, who just gave us one of the best platformers ever.
Days Gone.
Now the first time Naughty Dog showed this off, I thought:
"Eh, that's kinda neat. All of the zombies piling up over each other."
But when he put the thing on the door and he blew it up,
and all the zombies started coming in, that's when I got on board.
Then Naughty Dog brought out their new God of War game.
I can't say I've ever been a fan of these really simple kind of beat-'em-up games
I usually get burnt-out by the combat halfway through,
but God of War has always done a good job about distracting you from that with those
massive cinematic moments.
If anybody can make it work, it's Naughty Dog.
Finally got a date for Cuphead.
Got a date for Son-
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
"Oh my go- September 5th!"
I-it's September 5th-
Remember my "Good Year" video telling you guys how optimistic I was for this year?
Well in the comments I had this sarcastic piece of shit
come up to me and say:
"2017! Wow! What a great year for Symphony of the Night and Aladdin!"
Well, NOW what, pussy?
You just got FUCKED by Knack!
Surprisingly, we got nothing for Death Stranding or Last of Us 2.
However, Capcom showed us this new Monster Hunter, which-I'm going to be honest with you guys,
I don't really care about Monster Hunter at all-
"Oh, what the-?!
OH- HUUH!!!
WHOA-OH SHIT!
Ohh-hoo-HOO-hoo!
Just run! RUN YOU FUCKING IDIOT-
(pants have been shat)
Monster Hunter has always been one of my favorite franchises.
Spidah-maaaan!
Insomniac just gets how to make you feel like a badass.
Are you looking at this right now?
Do I even have to sell you on this?
There is no doubt this will be one of THE most mechanically impressive games yet,
but what remains to be seen is how they handle the story.
Will it be some choppy adaptation of the new movie,
or something more interesting like an Arkham Asylum deal,
where he takes on a bunch of villains, you know:
Rhino,
Green Goblin [Me and you can-],
Venom,
Carnage,
You know, Doc Ock,
Mysterio,
Scorpion,
Sandman,
Plant Man,
Kangaroo,
Typeface,
Frog Man,
Fence-Eater Man,
Big Wheel,
Come on, you can't have a Spider-Man game without Big Wheel!
Bluepoint Games looking to give a Shadow of the Colossus the visuals it deserves.
I mean, just look at that.
(pop)
Wait a minute-
Saw a JPG of Metro-
Okay, fuck all this shit. Now we're getting to the real game.
Nintendo.
They don't understand marketing,
they don't understand how to run a business,
but they do understand how to make video games.
Mario Galaxy 1.
A hugely innovative game for its time that critics lauded as "the perfect game".
Then Mario Galaxy 2 comes in here and says:
"Now, that game fuckin sucks."
Boom. Takes every idea from the original and goes absolutely fucking NUTS with them.
Level after level of joyous creativity.
This game is so damn good, even the fucking water levels are good.
Bam. Mario 3D Land, which trims the fat from Galaxy, like the boss fights,
And replaces them with tight, focused level design.
Once again, refining these gameplay concepts to an even further degree.
Then you got 3D World.
Compared to most games...this is actually pretty damn good.
Compared to these games, however...it's weak as hell.
It had some clever moments, but was sorely lacking in atmosphere and inventiveness.
Then you got the two kings.
(fanfare)
Mario 64 is my favorite game...period,
and Mario Sunshine is not far behind.
What really separates these games from everything else is how precise and
satisfying it is to control Mario.
The player is granted an incredible amount of freedom in how they choose to approach a level.
You take a beginner for instance, uh, like this guy,
you know? See how he slides down here, and it's-it's actually kind of cute, really.
Then you take a master of the game, such as myself,
and, you know, I just jump right past this entire part.
Because who the fuck's going to stop me? No one.
For Nintendo to come out and say Mario Odyssey is on this side of the fence is a pretty audacious statement.
And since they announced it, I've been waiting to see it in action at E3 this year.
So, what did I think?
"The game...is fun."
"HE'S A DINOSAUR?!"
"Fucking dinosaur level!"
(pfwu wee)
I didn't know he could do that!
Since whe-
Now what the fuck is he gon- OH MY- OH MY GOD.
He's a frog. He's-
(dunkey in awe)
This shit! Look at that!
(Engww phuh mwah)
It's so fucking weird, it's so different!
This game will be better than Knack 2.
It's a-
( GASP )
(song is in the description)
♪ Outro ♪