[ restaurant noise... ]
RHETT: Pass me some of that garlic stuff. LINK: Have you noticed the waitress?
RHETT: Oh yeah. I was thinking about talking to her. LINK: Well you might wanna check your breath first.
RHETT: I'm sure your's isn't any better. LINK: Hold on. Here she comes.
LINK: Hey, I think we're done. Can you split up the check? And do you have any gum? I only need one piece.
[ music starts... ]
First off, I want to tell you I enjoyed the pizza Well, it really wasn't great, but it allowed me to meetcha.
I'd like your number- but I'm not gonna leave a big tip to get it.
That means he's cheap and pathetic and if you date him you'll regret it.
Twenty-three percent from me communicates I'm generous; not desperate. And I can calculate.
Is she supposed to be impressed? Well, if you wanna battle be my guest...
I'm a computer programmer and a cubical dweller. I disabled spellcheck 'cause I'm a stellar speller.
When I write an email that includes an attachment, I never hit "send" before I've attached it.
Your job is a bore; I keep it hardcore. Selling knives and insurance from door to door.
You're reflecting on a watercooler conversation. I'm giving an incredible knife demonstration.
May I interest you in some accidental death coverage or a hard-boiled egg slicer?
I can change your computer wallpaper to a tropical beach scene.
Egg slicer.
I carpool, 'cause I'm environmentally sensitive. I pack a snorkel 'cause I'm clever and so inventitive.
It's inventive. Inventitive isn't a word.
Yeah, I just inventi-ted it. You just got served!
Well, when I carpool, I take a group of third graders.
On my way to work, I teach them multiplication tables. See I'm a...
role model--an example to the youth.
Then why did this kid just tell me that 1x1=2 ?
At the gym people line up just to give me a spot.
All eyes on me when I'm popping a squat.
My career Plan-B is to teach P.E. The model on this machine...he's based on me.
I've mastered the art of mental manipulation.
Working every muscle group through meditation. This is me working out my triceps.
Pick up my DVD called "Mind Reps."
My sense of style is sweet like syrup. It's not uncommon for people to think I'm from Europe.
I don't follow the trends. I'm a style pioneer. See this turtleneck, with a necklace--you'll be wearing this next year.
[music continues...]
Is that all you got?
No.
I see buttons, I just push 'em to see what they do. If something were to go wrong, I'd just blame it on you.
I'm quick-witted. I always know just what to say.
Then say something clever.
Uh...Okay.
I was offered a record deal, while singing at a karaoke bar. But I turned it down and became the President's karaoke czar.
I rescued a dolphin entangled in a tuna net and donated it to an orphanage to keep as a pet.
I gave the heimlich to a horse choking on beef jerky. Two hours later he won the Kentucky Derby.
I'm allergic to nothing.
I'm allergic to weakness.
I embrace my weaknesses and call them uniquenesses.
I can drive a stick-shift.
Well, I can golf.
Well, I can make it look like my thumb is coming off.
I invented the half nelson.
I invented the full nelson.
I've got a signed picture of Boris Yeltsin.
My uncle is a lawyer.
I roll my own sushi.
I use the metric system exclusively.
I know Morse Code. Well I can speak it.
[Morse Code]
You just said that "the square root of raspberry should be legalized."
Exactly.
[swoosh]
[Exhales] So, what do you think?
[music starts]