- I want to talk about what happened
to me over Memorial Day.
I have been waiting all weekend to tell you about it,
and finally I get to tell you, and--
[lively music]
- Well, this just in: you do not have to tell everyone
when you're on a juice cleanse. [audience laughter]
It is not required by law,
and the juice cleanse works just as well
if you don't tell people about it,
or about how your body feels while you're on it.
So once again, you do not have to tell everyone
about your juice cleanse.
We now return you to regularly-scheduled programming.
[lively music]
- Uh, uh, well, I'm sorry for that interruption.
I'll tell you about what I did later on.
I assume you've all heard of IKEA, right?
Okay. [cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause]
Well, if you don't know, "IKEA" is a Swedish word that means
"Where does this screw go?"
And-- [audience laughter]
There's a marriage therapist in California
who's sending people to IKEA for couples therapy,
and she says it helps couples
learn how to communicate and compromise.
She even recommends that couples
put together their furniture naked,
which is, uh--yeah. [audience laughter]
Just wait till you get home, I say.
[audience laughter] So it turns out
that other businesses are trying to take advantage of this,
and they're offering to help people work out their issues.
This is a new commercial that I saw.
(male announcer) Life is full of big choices.
Finding the right partner.
Settling down and having a family.
But if you aren't sure you're ready for kids?
What if only one of you wants children?
How do you get on the same page?
That's where we can help.
Come to Chuck E. Cheese.
[baby crying]
[boy crying]
One visit to your local Chuck E. Cheese,
and you'll absolutely never, ever want children.
[baby crying]
[children crying and screaming]
[cheers and applause]
- People that don't have kids were laughing harder at that
than the people who have kids.
[audience laughter]
All right, now I can tell you
what happened to me over Memorial Day.
It was Sunday evening, and Portia and I--
[lively music]
- This just in: Jared Leto is the only man
who looks good with a ponytail.
If you are wearing a ponytail and your name is not Jared Leto,
you may want to look into a new hairstyle.
Once again, breaking news here:
Male ponytails are only attractive on Jared Leto.
[lively music]
- Uh, boy, I'm sorry for that interruption.
That will not happen again, and I'll tell you about
my Memorial Day in --just, in a minute.
But here's something else I want to tell you about.
Google just announced a new feature:
you can download your entire Google search history.
Don't ask me how, but right now, on these blue cards,
I have the last thing that everyone in my audience Googled,
and I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I share this with the world.
So first we have this person right here.
And...
She Googled-- [audience laughter]
[audience laughter]
And here's this woman.
[audience laughter]
She Googled--
[cheers and applause]
And there's this guy.
And he Googled:
[laughter and applause]
Finally, there's this man here,
and he Googled...
(audience) Aw!
That's sweet. I love you, too.
- That--[laughs]
Andy, do we have time to tell--
I want to tell my story about what happened
over the Memorial Day weekend.
Do I have time? - Quickly, if you do it quickly.
- All right, so how long do I have?
Like, just-- - 30 seconds.
Tell the story. - Okay, well, it's--
maybe it's like a 40-second story.
So I'm-- [audience laughter]
Well, I know. That's why I'm asking you
if I have enough time.
- Tell the story. - Okay, well, okay.
But don't interrupt me if I'm telling it and say--
All right. Like I said,
It was Sunday.
[lively music]
- This just in: Hiking is just walking.
[audience laughter] It's not better than walking,
it's the exact same thing.
So once again: hiking and walking,
there is absolutely no difference.
Although "hiking" does sound better on your Tinder profile.
We now return you to regular programming.
[lively music]
- We'll be back.