♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: HEY!
WHOO!
>> Stephen: JON -- ( JON HUMMING )
>> Stephen: JON, IN JUST A FEW MINUTES, OSCAR WINNER, TRULY
GIFTED ARTIST SEAN PENN IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR.
>> Stephen: IT IS.
IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR BECAUSE HIS VERY TALENTED DAUGHTER DYLAN
PENN WHO'S STARRING IN THE MOVIE HE IS DIRECTING AND STARS IN
WILL BE OUT HERE, TOO.
A LITTLE STACK LIKE THAT.
EXCUSE ME ONE SECOND.
I'M GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF MY -- COFFEE.
( LAUGHTER ) JON, YOU GOT ANY PLANS THIS
WEEKEND?
>> YEAH, I'M PLAYING IN CENTRAL PARK THIS WEEKEND.
>> Stephen: DID YOU GET ME A TICKET?
>> IF YOU'RE GOING TO COME DOWN, YOU WILL BE ON THE STAGE WITH
US.
>> Stephen: WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
>> Jon: I KNOW YOU DANCE AND SING.
>> Stephen: I'VE GOT ONE MOVE, JON.
THAT'S IT.
ONE MOVE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU PLAY CARAVAN, I'LL DO IT.
BREAK A LEG AND SAY HI TO, YOU KNOW, BRUCE FOR ME.
( CHEERING ) FOLKS, EVERYBODY KNOWS I LOVE
SPORTS, BUT MOSTLY FOR THE BRANDING.
WHICH IS WHY I'M SO EXCITED THAT WE'RE ON THE CUSP OF A NEW,
NON-OFFENSIVE NICKNAME FOR THE WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM,
FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE WASHINGTON "I'M NOT GOING TO SAY THAT."
TO WHET THE FANS' APPETITE, THE TEAM RELEASED THIS VIDEO OF
THEIR COACH AND GENERAL MANAGER REVIEWING THE FINALISTS:
>> THIS IS A FOLLOW-UP TO OUR EARLY CONVERSATIONS ON NAMING.
YOU LIKE IT?
>> YEAH, THAT'S INTERESTING.
IT'S ALMOST CARTOONISH.
I'D DO THIS "W" LIKE THAT.
>> SO THE THREE THAT WE'LL GO THROUGH ARE...
(BLEEP), (BLEEP), AND (BLEEP).
>> I LIKE (BLEEP).
>> I REALLY LIKE (BLEEP).
>> STEPHEN: WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO FIND A NON-OFFENSIVE NAME,
IT'S NOT A GOOD LOOK WHEN YOU HAVE TO BLEEP AND BLUR THE
OPTIONS.
WHAT KIND OF NAMES ARE THEY CONSIDERING?
( APPLAUSE ) THE MIND REELS.
THE WASHINGTON DEEK 'N BALLS?
THE FIGHTIN' RED TAINTS?
THE UNSOLICITED PENIS PICS?
ALL STILL LESS OFFENSIVE THAN THEIR PREVIOUS NAME.
SPEAKING OF BLURRING THINGS, THERE'S BIG NEWS FROM THE
INTERNET TODAY, BECAUSE WE LEARNED THAT STARTING IN
OCTOBER, THE SITE "ONLYFANS" WILL BAN SEXUALLY EXPLICIT
CONTENT.
THEY KNOW THAT FANS OF ONLYFANS ARE ONLY FANS OF ONE THING,
RIGHT?
BUT DON'T WORRY.
STARTING OCTOBER 1, ONLYFANS WILL STILL LIVE UP TO ITS
NAME BY OFFERING HOT OSCILLATING ACTION!
WHY DID ONLY FANS DROP THE BOOBY PICS?
WELL, REPORTEDLY, "ONLYFANS WAS STRUGGLING TO FIND OUTSIDE
INVESTORS BECAUSE OF ITS ADULT CONTENT."
EVIDENTLY, PORNOGRAPHY DOES NOT LIVE UP TO THE HIGH MORAL
STANDARDS OF INVESTMENT BANKERS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
UNLESS IT'S THEM (BLEEP) THE ECONOMY.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN IT'S FINE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOO GIVING US THE BLUES THERE.
>> Stephen: NOW, THERE'S A BRIGHT SIDE TO
BANNING SHOTS OF WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE, BECAUSE ONLYFANS
SAYS WHILE SEXUALLY EXPLICIT MATERIAL WILL BE BANNED, NUDITY
THAT IS NOT SEXUALLY EXPLICIT WILL REMAIN ALLOWED.
SO YOU CAN ONLY POST NUDE IMAGES THAT WOULD NEVER TURN ON ANYONE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND, I'M SORRY, I JUST DON'T
NEED THE MONEY BADLY ENOUGH.
BUT I DO HAVE GOOD NEWS FOR THE ONLYFANS-FANS OUT THERE.
THERE IS ANOTHER PLACE TO FIND SEXUALLY EXPLICIT MATERIAL ON
THE INTERNET.
IT'S CALLED: THE INTERNET.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SEAN PENN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )