Hi, I’m Brad Browning, AKA The Marriage Guy… and in this video,
I’ll cover the top 7 signs to look for that indicate your spouse wants a divorce.
Now, obviously these 7 indicators don’t always mean a divorce is imminent,
but from my decade or so of experience as a marriage coach, they’re definitely red flags to
watch out for as they often indicate your spouse is unhappy and considering separation or divorce.
The more of these signs you’ve seen in your own marriage, the more serious things are and the
more urgent it is that you start to address the problems before things get any worse.
Before I jump into the first sign to watch for, please don’t forget to click
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Now, on to the first sign that indicates your partner is considering a divorce…
Sign #1: Frequent, Toxic Conflict & Arguments
Let’s start with the most obvious one first, shall we? First of all, though, let me clarify:
arguments in any relationship are inevitable, and sometimes they might even get heated or
be left unresolved. In itself, that’s normal, and it’s nothing to be overly concerned about.
In fact, some research has shown that couples who have an occasional argument
can actually have healthier marriages than couples who rarely disagree.
HOWEVER…. When those arguments become daily occurrences,
and tend to arise over almost anything, then that’s when things get a bit more dicey.
For example, if very minor issues -- for example, you forgetting to turn on the dishwasher like
your spouse asked you to -- often turn into a toxic screaming match that leads you to stop
speaking to one another for hours or days -- then that’s a more serious problem. These kinds of
arguments -- especially if they happen frequently and they tend to start from small things and get
blown out of proportion -- can indicate that your marriage is headed in the wrong direction.
The more often you argue with your spouse... the more heated and intense the arguments are, and the
more likely it is that they’ll lead to resentment and hurt feelings or lingering anger… the more
severe the problem and the more concerning it is for your long-term future as a couple. Don’t sweat
it if you’re arguing with your partner every now and then, but do keep an eye out for increasingly
frequent and heated disagreements that seem to be damaging your romantic connection more broadly.
Most of the time, couples who argue too often but have otherwise healthy marriages
can repair this problem relatively easily. In simple terms, if you and your spouse fight too
much or argue often over small issues, you need to learn how to prevent the useless arguments
and have more important disagreements in a more civilized and constructive manner.
I’ve got some tips on how to do that in the video on my website, MarriageGuy.com, so head over there
after this video if you want to learn more about arguing more effectively.
Now, another and potentially more serious indication of an unhealthy marriage is
when one or both of you stops trying to resolve conflict at all, so let’s talk about that next...
Sign #2 - Losing Interest Resolving Conflicts
Another sign of a possible impending marriage crisis is when one or both
partners begin to stop making an effort to resolve conflicts or disagreements. Sometimes,
it might seem like your partner seems to no longer care about the outcome of a fight,
or they brush off any attempts to come to an actual solution or agreement to cool things down.
When this kind of despair sets in, your partner may withdraw further and feel as though there will
never be a way for the two of you to live together in peace. That’s obviously not a good thing,
and it’s something that you need to work on if this has become a problem in your marriage.
Here’s an easy way to gauge things in your own marriage:
when you try and talk to your partner about a tough issue or problem in your relationship,
does he or she engage with you or do they pull away? Studies show that if they do pull away,
it isn’t a great sign. A 2013 study from the Journal of Marriage and Family found that
this sort of “cold” behaviour in response to conflict is a strong predictor of divorce. And
another study in 2014 came to a similar conclusion, finding that marital satisfaction was
closely correlated to how much effort the couple invested in resolving conflict and disagreements.
Of course, this shouldn’t really come as a surprise, but the next time YOU try and bring up
a problem in your marriage, see how your partner reacts. Does he or she ask you questions? Do they
show concern? Or do they ignore you and give you the silent treatment, showing little interest
in working on the problem together? If he or she doesn’t give you the time of day,
it may be a very strong indicator that something might be causing trouble in your marriage,
and that you should address this ASAP.
Sign #3 - Your Marriage Has a Low “Positive to Negative Interaction” Ratio
I know what you’re thinking… “what the hell does that mean, Brad??”
Well, I could really expand on this one and spend an hour talking about it… But essentially,
a happy and healthy married couple has an average of 5 “positive” interactions -- laughing at a joke
together, complementing one another, cuddling or kissing, providing support and encouragement --
for every “negative” encounter, which is things like criticising, lying, arguing, and so on.
An unhealthy marriage, on the other hand, tends to have a lot more of those “negative” encounters
for every “positive” interaction. Basically, if you and your spouse get along and enjoy
one another’s company the vast majority of the time… and you only argue or get upset at one
another once in a while, then your marriage has a healthy ratio of positive to negative encounters.
This is something that I don’t see many other marriage and divorce experts discuss very often,
but I think it’s an extremely helpful tool for getting a general sense of how
healthy a marriage is. So, without your spouse knowing you’re doing it, consider keeping track
of your ‘positive interaction’ to ‘negative interaction’ ratio over a period of a few days or
a week. Count any kind of fun, positive, or even neutral interactions you have with your spouse
during the course of your day… if you share a laugh together, enjoy a meal and
a good conversation, or spend several hours together without any conflict or arguing…
those each get tallied in the “positive interaction” column. On the other hand, every
time you bicker or fight or get on each other’s nerves for some reason, add those to the “negative
interaction” column. When you’ve done this for a few days or a week, you’ll end up with a bunch of
data that you can compare -- which column has more check marks? It should be the “positive”
count, ideally with at least 4 or 5 positive interactions for every 1 in the “negative” column.
The lower your “positive to negative interaction” ratio is,
the more concerned you should be about your overall connection with your spouse.
Sign #4 - Your spouse is increasingly absent and less interested in family time.
If your partner is staying out late more often,
making excuses or justifications for being away from the house with increasing frequency,
and/or showing less interest in family and spending time together... it can
be a strong indication that they’ve partially “checked out” of the relationship emotionally,
and are looking for other sources of happiness and fulfillment outside the house.
In severe cases, it may also be that they’re preparing mentally for life apart, building
a social life or possibly even dating. Hopefully that’s not the case -- it usually isn’t, so please
don’t prematurely accuse your spouse of this just because they’re home less often -- but it
is a possibility, and you should be on the lookout for this as a symptom of bigger marital problems.
Simply put, if you’re spending less time with your spouse than you have in the past
or if he or she seems distant and pre-occupied when you are spending time together,
that can be a clear sign of a spouse mentally struggling with the decision to end a marriage.
Sign #5 - Sex has become less frequent, less pationate, or boring and routine.
Now, before I get into more detail on this, let me quickly clarify one thing:
it’s unrealistic to expect your sex life to remain as passionate and exciting as
it was on your honeymoon. It’s normal for the excitement to wane a bit, and for you to spend
time in the bedroom less often. That’s fine, as long as you do continue to maintain a physical
intimate connection with semi-regular sex that leaves both partners feeling satisfied.
BUT… if the sex is becoming less and less frequent,
if one or both partners have lost interest in making the effort to keep your sex life intact, or
if you’ve got a big mismatch in sex drives… those types of things can be a sign of bigger problems.
This can sometimes just be an issue that needs some conscious effort to overcome -- by spicing
things up in the bedroom and making an effort to schedule some sexy time during your busy schedule
-- but it can also lead to bigger problems or be a symptom of a spouse who is starting to check
out of the marriage and beginning to think about separation and divorce. In short, an
unhealthy of non-existent sex life is a bad sign to watch out for and address as soon as possible.
Sign #6 - Lack of Emotional Connection and Withdrawal of Affection
If your spouse has become distant and stopped showing affection towards you,
that can also be a strong indication that they’re mentally checking out of the marriage.
Often associated with this is an overall lack of emotional connection
and a lack of willingness to discuss or show feelings and emotions.
If your partner used to come home from work every day and give you a big hug,
tell you how beautiful you are, and seemed eager to share details about their day…
that’s great. But are they still showing that kind of interest and affection? Do they still hold your
hand, lean over to give you a kiss out of the blue, or cuddle you in the middle of the night?
In my experience, this is one of the most obvious signs that a marriage is headed
in the wrong direction. Usually, though, it’s more a symptom than a root problem,
and resolving the core issues of your marriage can usually help re-build
the emotional connection and lead your spouse to begin showing affection again.
If you’re seeing this symptom -- especially if it’s in combination with
several of the other red flags I’ve covered earlier in this video -- PLEASE take action
immediately to turn things around before it’s too late. To begin, the best thing you can do now
is go to MarriageGuy.com and watch my full video tutorial for free. It’ll only take a few minutes,
and the video will explain a number of proven techniques you can employ right now - on your own,
without your spouse being aware of it - to stop the downward spiral and save your marriage.
Again, watch that full tutorial right now for free at MarriageGuy.com.
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Thanks for watching, and talk to you again soon!