Do you keep attracting the same type of frustrating or hurtful relationships
over and over in your life,
or do you keep running into the same blocks
that stop you from being able to connect with guys that you truly like?
Well, I'm going to share five things you can let go of today
that are going to help you step into your power
and into the sort of incredible relationship that you are so worthy of.
Will be right back.
[MUSIC]
Hi, ladies.
Mat Shaffer, your empowerment connection and relationship coach.
I'm a former attorney who's committed his life to supporting you
and creating the fun, fulfilling, dynamic
connections and relationships with men that you are so worthy of.
This is one of my absolute favorite things to talk about, the act of surrender.
What we can let go of to have more meaningful connections and relationships
with the people in our lives.
I do this work with my clients and my students every day,
and we're going to dive into it.
Before we do, take a second, hit that little subscribe button,
and click the bell so that you get notified every time I put up a new video,
which I'm doing on a regular basis.
Also, be sure to click the link in the description and also in the comments,
because I have an amazing love course mastery of connection
that involves live coaching with me.
It's three weeks long.
It's going to be an epic experience and it starts February 8th.
You don't want to miss that.
Click the link, register, fill out an application,
and guess what, guys? It's 100% free.
Don't miss out on that and let's dive into this, shall we?
Let's start off by talking about why it's so important to practice
active self-awareness and surrender when it comes to our relationships with men.
In my own work with my clients and students,
I've found that there are five common mindsets
that create patterns of self-sabotage, isolation,
and even pushing away of men that women really want to get to know better.
They really want to build these relationships,
but they keep on getting in their own way.
Once you're able to identify and let go of those patterns,
you're going to be much more present and free and authentic
in the way that you show up to the man that you're looking to date
and build a relationship with,
which is going to make you much more magnetic and high value to him.
At the end of the day, ladies,
we are craving seeing and feeling, and experiencing the real you.
The fifth thing that you must release to have deep, meaningful love with men
is the stories that you've created around all men.
Before I explain where these come from,
let's give you a few examples of what it sounds like.
"All men want is sex.
Men just can't be trusted.
Every guy leaves eventually."
To be real with you, ladies,
this is probably the biggest obstacle that you have
to fostering the kind of relationship with men that you want.
These stories that we create around men,
they're actually a protective mechanism
that our ego generates in response to trauma.
Either a series of traumatic experiences that we've had in relationship,
or maybe even just one, it does not take a lot.
How do we identify the stories that we've created around men?
Well, you want to look for these huge rules that you've created about all men.
A massive generalization that encompasses all men
and that therefore it dictates your behavior and has a huge impact
on whether or not you're willing to put yourself out there
or to connect with guys at all.
Once we've identified these stories that we create around men,
we're going to release them by asking yourself
one simple and powerful question.
Can I possibly know this to be true?
Can I possibly know?
Can I possibly know that all men will leave me if I'm with them long enough?
Can I possibly know that?
No, because here's the thing, you haven't experienced all men,
you haven't experienced probably even a wide sample of men.
You're making up this generalization.
You're making up this story based upon just a handful of experiences
or maybe even just one traumatic experience.
Once we're able to see realistically that
just because we've created a rule around something,
it isn't necessarily true,
we can start to collect evidence,
to prove and demonstrate to ourselves that it's not true.
You can start having good dates.
You can start proving yourself wrong about that rule
once you realize that it isn't actually real.
It's just a protective mechanism that your emotional self has created
to try and stop you from getting hurt.
The fourth thing to let go of to foster meaningful love
is the limiting beliefs and stories you have created around yourself.
This is another powerful example
of how our ego is trying to protect us at our own expense.
The top level of what we're talking about are the stories.
The stories of our own limitations that we have created about ourselves.
One of the biggest ones is the, "I'm not blank enough.
I'm not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough.
I'm not thin enough."
The list goes on and on and on and on and on.
At some level, you're just not enough, and that's a reason why,
why even bother going out there and looking for love.
Other examples of these stories might be, "I'm unlovable.
I'm worthless,
or maybe I don't provide value in relationship,
that's why men always leave me."
You see how our stories build off each other and we come up with reasons within ourselves
to blame ourselves for the fact that our relationships haven't been working.
Underneath the top layer of all these stories that we've created about ourselves
and all of our limitations
is a deep and fundamental limiting belief or limiting beliefs.
Most people have one to three core limiting beliefs
that all of our stories about ourselves flow out of.
The biggest one is I'm not worthy.
I'm not worthy of love.
If I'm not worthy of love,
then I'm going to come up with all these reasons,
all these stories to justify that unworthiness,
that's the vicious cycle so many of us end up in.
How do we identify these limiting beliefs and stories
that are holding us back from the relationship that we need to release?
Well, the way that we do it is by looking at the end result
of if we follow this limiting belief or the story,
if we choose to believe that it's true and we operate from it,
what's going to be the end result?
For example, if we choose to believe that no man is worthy of being trusted,
then what are we going to do?
When we're in relationship, when we're connecting with a guy,
we're not going to be vulnerable with them, we're going to hold them at arm's length.
They're not going to want to trust us because we don't trust them,
and eventually, they're going to leave, which is going to prove us right
about the fact that we decided that no man can be trusted.
Ask yourself, at the end of the day,
do the stories and beliefs that you've created around who you are,
do they disqualify you from being in relationship with men?
Do they undermine you from building relationships with guys?
Do these stories and beliefs disempower you
or make you feel like a victim out in the world and even to yourself?
If they check any of those boxes,
you've identified them and it's time for them to go bye-bye.
How do we release these limiting beliefs and stories about ourself?
Well, the first important step is to acknowledge
that no one else can write your story for you.
You are the sole and uncontested author of your life.
At any moment, you can choose to begin writing a new chapter.
The best way to do that is to really start listening to yourself
and the way you talk to yourself.
Be a witness to that conversation and ask yourself,
"Am I talking to myself like someone I love,
am I treating myself like someone I love or am I my own worst enemy?
Am I my own biggest bully?"
This is the foundation of you shifting that conversation around yourself.
As you shift that conversation,
it shifts the way that you feel about yourself.
As the way you feel about yourself shifts,
the way men see and experience you shifts.
We want to see and feel and experience you in full ownership of your worth
and your value and of what you bring to the table in relationship.
We're going to take your word for it.
However you choose to feel about yourself, we're going to believe you.
The third thing you're going to want to release
to have great relationships with men
is projecting your wounds onto him.
This is so common with women
from early stages of dating all the way to long-term relationships.
The key principle to recognize here is that unless you're conscious of it,
you are seeing your partner and your relationship with him
through the lens of your past experiences with other people,
which often includes most importantly,
the wounds that you've experienced in those past relationships.
Your wounds are the internalized pain and trauma
from your past relationships, and they're stored deep within you.
It's like a landmine waiting to be triggered.
If we're not aware of and taking responsibility of our wounds,
a lot of times, we're going to see what our partner is doing through the lens of them,
and we're going to take every little action that he's making as an alarm bell
that he's about to hurt us the way we've been hurt in the past,
which causes us to get triggered.
To trigger the trauma from that wound,
and then we will lash out at that personally, emotionally in some way,
either by acting out or shutting down or running away.
Who knows? It's very personal.
Ladies, these triggering events can be real small.
"Oh my God,
he didn't make eye contact with me for three full seconds
while he was telling me about his day.
That's exactly what Jake did.
You know what Jake did?
He cheated on me.
That's why he couldn't make eye contact with me.
You know what? You must be lying to me.
You must be cheating on me too.
Get out of my house."
Ladies, how do you think it makes a guy feel when he has an experience like this?
Here's the thing, we can tell when a woman has projected her wounds onto us,
we can tell that we're not being seen or experienced for who we are
and that you're experiencing a past relationship through us.
It's honestly very frustrating because, for a man,
there's nothing he's craving more in a relationship
than being seen and appreciated and understood for who he is
uniquely by his woman, by his partner.
When we're being seen for who we aren't, it sucks.
How do we recognize if we're projecting onto our partner and getting triggered?
The easiest way to see it is to look at the response.
Look at the event, the triggering event, and look at the response.
If the response is significantly bigger than the triggering event,
oftentimes, it's because it's activated a much larger trauma for you.
In the example that I'd just shown you,
he didn't make eye contact for three seconds while he was giving her the daily report.
Maybe he just got distracted, maybe he's tired,
there's a million things that could have happened,
but she saw it through the lens of her last boyfriend who wasn't faithful to her.
She let the dogs out on him.
That's how a great way to identify
if you're projecting and if you're being triggered.
How do we release our projections so that they don't sabotage our relationships?
The key to doing this is to recognize when you are being triggered.
When the ball starts rolling, rather than suppress those triggers
because you don't want to ignore them,
you want to recognize and then you want to remove yourself from the situation,
and then just allow that trigger to run its course.
You want to allow the feelings to flow through you
and use it as a guidepost to help you know what you get to work on.
Maybe you still need to forgive your partner who cheated on you back in the day
or re-establish trust with men through some other work.
Then, once the trigger has passed, share it with your partner,
let him know what you've experienced, what you've gone through.
Use it as an opportunity for you all to become closer
and to begin healing it because triggers are here to help you.
They're here to let you know what you get to heal next.
One of the most powerful ways to do it is with your partner.
I've done that myself many times in past relationships,
and it's been incredibly beautiful.
I promise, it'll end up bringing you closer together.
The second thing you get to release to build lasting love with a guy is fear of judgment.
Ladies, I've got some hard truths for you.
If you want to build a deep and meaningful connection with a man,
it's going to take you embodying and demonstrating
something that may be a little scary to you, vulnerability.
As the feminine partner in the relationship,
it is your responsibility to demonstrate to your man
what vulnerability looks and feels like.
Remember, you are the conductor
of the communicative and emotional aspects of your relationship.
You are the guide.
Being vulnerable means owning your voice,
being courageous in sharing what's in your heart,
and not being afraid to show him those sides of you not just that you're proud of
but some of the sides that you might not be so proud of
or even have a little shame around.
"Oh, my God.
How is he going to respond when he finds out I'm lactose intolerant?
His family has been dairy farmers for generations,
they're going to think I'm broken
and they're never going to accept me as one of their own."
I joke ladies, but the truth is we all have sides of ourselves,
we all have shadow elements that we are afraid to show our partner
because we're afraid of being judged.
We're afraid of being rejected.
We have all these fears and resistance to true vulnerability.
What I want you to remember is, is that the man who is right for you,
the man who really sees and honors and cherishes you,
wants to know your deepest truth.
He wants to see your light and your shadow.
He will celebrate you not just for the things that you're proud of,
but for the things you're embarrassed about.
If you're lactose intolerant, own it.
I know I do.
I can't eat ice cream.
You know what? That's okay.
Here we go ladies, the moment of truth.
The number one thing that you get to release
if you want to have a deep meaningful loving connection with a man is,
drum roll please,
outcome dependence.
What is outcome dependence?
It is getting very attached to a specific experience,
whether it'll be a date or a relationship going a certain way.
Women have a tendency to get very attached
to a very specific trajectory of their relationships and experiences with men.
It's understandable.
You invest a tonne of time and energy into your relationships with men
and naturally, you want a return on that investment.
I get it.
A phrase I use with my clients and students all the time
is that people, and specifically men,
they flow into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
So much of the suffering that I see in relationships comes
when people are unable or unwilling to accept
what the natural length of the relationship is supposed to be.
For example, you might want a man to be your forever guy
when in reality he is only in your life to help teach you some valuable lessons
and prepare you for your soulmate,
for your lifetime partner who's just waiting for you to get out of that relationship.
Your current partner is just a reason and a season guy.
I know because I've been that guy.
I've been a reason and a season guy for several women in my life
and they've wanted really badly for me to be their lifetime partner.
Here's the thing, ladies, you cannot force a man or a relationship
to be something that it's not.
If you try to hold on to that partner
because of your attachment to the relationship unfolding a certain way,
it's actually going to backfire on you because it's holding you back
from your dream partner who's waiting right around the corner.
One last reason that's so important
to release outcome dependency in relationship
is I want you to think about what type of energy you're bringing to a date
or to a relationship when you are determined
that it's going to go a certain way no matter what.
What type of energy do you think you're bringing to the relational container?
Yes, you guessed it, masculine energy.
When you're very attached to a specific outcome,
it fundamentally affects the way that you show up to your partner,
and it's going to end up depolarizing the relationship,
pushing your partner away,
and sabotaging what could be a really meaningful wonderful love connection.
Take a second, ladies, and reflect on your attachment patterns
and ask yourself,
"Have I been outcome-dependent in my past relationships?
If so, what impact has that had on how those relationships unfolded?"
If you're able to release these five mindsets, these five patterns
from your relationships and connections with men,
you're going to be so much more present, so much more authentic,
and so much more magnetic to the men in your life.
To review, those five things are,
number five, the stories and beliefs that you have created around men.
These huge generalizations that we build
to protect ourselves from being hurt by men
that actually hold us back from connecting with them in the first place.
Number four, the disempowering limiting beliefs and stories
that we've created around ourselves.
Ladies, they are not here to serve us,
they are not here to serve you and they are actually going to sabotage
the way that you show up in your connections with men.
It's not doing you any good.
Number three, projecting your wounds onto him.
Remember, he is not your ex.
Your experience with him,
he is craving you seeing and appreciating him for who he is,
not looking at him through the rose-colored glasses of your past trauma.
Really just try to see and appreciate him for who he is
and if you get triggered,
take a step back and then come back and use it as an opportunity to heal with him.
Number two is your fear of judgment.
This is a huge block for intimacy between men and women,
but here's the thing, if you want to have a deep connection,
you're going to get to demonstrate vulnerability with him as the conductor.
The only way you're going to be able to do that courageously
is by releasing your fear of judgment for any aspect of who you are,
especially those things you're ashamed of
like most importantly, your lactose intolerance.
The number one thing that you get to release to create meaningful love with a guy
is outcome dependence.
If you could release your attachment to a date or relationship going a certain way,
that's what's going to make you magnetic to him,
it's going to make you present, it's going to make you high value,
it's going to allow you to shine and be your true authentic self with him
and he's going to be drawn to that because he's not going to feel pressured
that you're expecting things to go a certain way.
I hope you enjoyed these tips,
and you get out there and you use them in your dating and relationships with men.
Before you do, take a second,
hit that little subscribe button and hit that little bell.
Don't forget to sound off in the comments,
let us know what your favorite tip was, what your biggest aha moment was,
or maybe some ones that I missed.
I would love that.
Don't forget, ladies,
we've got an incredible love course coming on February 8th.
You're going to want to go to masteryofconnection.com,
click that link in my comment and caption, and be sure to check that out.
It is going to be an amazing experience.
Thank you so much and I"ll see you next time.
Bye-bye.
[MUSIC]