JUST A QUICK WORD TO DONALD TRUMP ABOUT HIS PLAN TO MELT THE
ARCTIC: ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR RUSSIA, TOO?
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON BETWEEN YOU AND RUSSIA,
SIR, AND I DON'T THINK ANYONE ELSE DOES, EITHER.
PARTLY BECAUSE IT'S COMPLICATED, THIS INTRIGUE, DID YOU CALL
SOMEBODY, DID ANYBODY CALL YOU, DID THEY HACK FOR YOU,
AND PARTLY BECAUSE YOU'RE THE WORLD'S MOST BORING SPIES.
SO, I'M GOING TO LIVEN IT UP BY EXPLAINING IT WITH TOM CLANCY
NOVELS.
SEE, THE "COMMANDER IN CHIEF" IS REACHING THE "BREAKING POINT"
BECAUSE TRUMP'S ADMINISTRATION IS "UNDER FIRE" FOR A POSSIBLE
"CALL TO TREASON," PUTTING US IN "CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER,"
"WITHOUT REMORSE," WHICH IS WHY I'M EXPERIENCING "THE SUM OF ALL
FEARS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE FIRST CIRCUMSTANCES ACT OF THE
EVENING.
THE LATEST DAMAGING REVELATION IS ABOUT TRUMP'S SON-IN-LAW AND
NATIONAL DIMPLE RESERVE, JARED KUSHNER.
WE ALREADY KNEW HE MET WITH RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR SERGEI
KISLYAK, BUT YESTERDAY THE WHITE HOUSE ACKNOWLEDGED A PREVIOUSLY
UNDISCLOSED MEETING BETWEEN KUSHNER AND THE CHIEF OF
RUSSIA'S GOVERNMENT-OWNED VNESHECONOMBANK.
IF YOU CAN PRONOUNCE IT CORRECTLY, THE F.B.I. WOULD LIKE
TO TALK TO YOU.
BECAUSE AMERICANS CAN'T DO BUSINESS WITH THIS BANK BECAUSE
-- WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO ANY BUSINESS WITH THIS BANK BECAUSE
IT HAS A VERY CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN.
IN FACT, IF YOU OPEN UP A CHECKING ACCOUNT FOR $100 OR
MORE, YOU GET A FREE TOASTER AND A DEAD JOURNALIST.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND IT.
I'M NOT SAYING I'M RECOMMENDING IT.
I'M JUST SAYING IT'S FREE.
HARD TO SAY NO.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE PRESSURE
OF THESE RUSSIAN RUMORS ARE GETTING TO THE ADMINISTRATION.
CASE IN POINT, TODAY, SEAN SPICER AT THE "SPICEY TIME "--
>> I'VE SAID IT FROM THE DAY THAT I GOT HERE UNTIL WHATEVER
THAT THERE IS NO CONNECTION.
YOU'VE GOT RUSSIA.
IF THE PRESIDENT PUTS RUSSIAN SALAD DRESSING ON HIS SALAD
TONIGHT, SOMEHOW THAT'S A RUSSIAN CONNECTION.
>> STEPHEN: WAIT, THE PRESIDENT PUT RUSSIAN DRESSING ON HIS
SALAD TONIGHT?
THAT'S HUGE NEWS.
TRUMP ATE A SALAD?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT.
THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF THAT.
WHERE'S THE EVIDENCE?
I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT.
I THOUGHT THE ONLY GREEN THING HE ATE WAS $100 BILLS IN FRONT
OF MARK CUBAN.
( LAUGHTER ) AND RUSSIA RUMORS MUST BE
GETTING TO TRUMP, TOO, BECAUSE LAST NIGHT HE TWEETED --
"WHY ISN'T THE HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE LOOKING
INTO THE BILL AND HILLARY DEAL THAT ALLOWED BIG URANIUM TO GO
TO RUSSIA, RUSSIAN SPEECH..."
( DEEP INHALE ) "...MONEY TO BILL, THE HILLARY
RUSSIAN 'RESET,' PRAISE OF RUSSIA BY HILLARY, OR PODESTA
RUSSIAN COMPANY.
TRUMP RUSSIA STORY IS A HOAX.
#MAGA!" ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH.
WHY ISN'T SOMEBODY INVESTIGATING THAT?
WHY ISN'T SOMEBODY INVESTIGATING ALL THAT?
BECAUSE, REMEMBER, REMEMBER, TRUMP NOSE IF CONGRESS FINDS
SOMETHING ON HILLARY, SHE MIGHT HAVE TO RESIGN FROM NOT BEING
PRESIDENT?
AND CHECK OUT THE TIMES ON THESE TWEETS.
HE SENT THE FIRST ONE AT 9:26, LAST NIGHT,
AND THEN HE COMPLETED THE SENTENCE NINE MINUTES LATER.
THE SECOND TWEET WAS 23 WORDS.
THAT MEANS HE TYPES TWO AND A HALF WORDS A MINUTE.
HE'S GOT SLOW THUMBS OR A VERY TALENTED PENIS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WHOA, WHOA.
WHOA.
>> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY THOSE LETTERS ARE VERY SMALL.
YOU WANT SOMETHING TINY TO TYPE IT OUT WITH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: WHAT?
WHAT?
IT'S ALL IN FUN.
BUT WHAT'S THE TRUTH?
WAS THERE NEFARIOUS COLLUSION BETWEEN THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN AND
RUSSIA, OR IS THIS ALL BEING BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION BY THE
LIBERAL MEDIA, THE "NEW YORK TIMES" AND THE F.B.I.?
WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE WE'LL FIND OUT FROM THE HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE,
LED BY INTEL CHAIRMAN AND CAR SALESMAN WHO REALLY NEEDS YOU TO
HELP HIM OUT HERE, DEVIN NUNES.
BUT NUNES MIGHT NOT BE THE GUY TO INVESTIGATE RUSSIA AND THE
TRUMP CAMPAIGN BECAUSE NUNES ADVISED THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN AND
WAS ON TRUMP'S TRANSITION TEAM.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING TO LUKE SKYWALKER, "WE'VE GOT A GREAT
NEW ADVISER FOR THE REBEL ALLIANCE.
HIS NAME IS DARTH VADER."
DARTH.
COME ON IN MERE A SEND.
WHO'S YOUR DAD, BY THE WAY?
WE'LL GET TO THAT LATER.
BUT I CAN'T TELL IF WE'RE GOING TO LEARN ANYTHING FROM THIS GUY.
HE DOESN'T SEEM ALL THAT FOCUSED ON RUSSIA BECAUSE HE'S SPENT A
LOT OF TIME TRYING TO VALIDATE TRUMP ACCUSING OBAMA OF
WIRETAPPING HIM.
AND LAST WEEK, NUNES HELD A SURPRISE NEWS CONFERENCE.
>> I RECENTLY CONFIRMED THAT, ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS, THE
INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY INCIDENTALLY COLLECTED
INFORMATION ABOUT U.S. CITIZENS INVOLVED IN THE TRUMP
TRANSITION.
>> STEPHEN: SO, INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES DID COLLECT INFO ON THE
TRUMP TEAM, BUT IT WAS WHEN THEY WERE LISTENING TO FOREIGN AGENTS
THAT THE TRUMP TEAM WAS TALKING TO.
BUT NUNES SAYS THIS INFORMATION HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RUSSIA.
BUT WE HAVE TO TAKE HIS WORD FOR IT BECAUSE HE WON'T SHOW IT TO
ANYBODY OR REVEAL HIS SOURCE, NOT EVEN THE MEMBERS OF HIS OWN
COMMITTEE.
THE ONLY PERSON HE HAS BRIEFED ON THE SUBJECT IS DONALD TRUMP.
BRILLIANT DETECTIVE WORK.
GATHER ALL THE EVIDENCE YOU CAN ON THE PRIME SUSPECT AND THEN
SHARE IT WITH HIM.
IT'S ALL PART OF CBS' NEW SHOW: "C.S.I. WASHINGTON: NO
INVESTIGATION."
( APPLAUSE ) I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS CAT.
HE'S A SLOW TALKER.
HE TALKS REALLY SLOWLY, AND I DON'T KNOW WHETHER THAT'S FROM
AN ABUNDANCE OF CAUTION BECAUSE HE'S ON THE INTELLIGENCE
COMMITTEE OR BECAUSE HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
THEN YESTERDAY, THERE WAS NEW NUNES NEWS.
TURNS OUT THE INFORMATION HE GAVE TO DONALD TRUMP HE GOT FROM
MEETING WITH AN INTELLIGENCE SOURCE ON THE WHITE HOUSE GROUNDS.
SO, HE WENT TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO TELL TRUMP WHAT HE LEARNED
FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.
BUT NUNES INSISTS THAT THERE'S NOTHING SINISTER ABOUT ANY OF
HIS TRIPS TO THE WHITE HOUSE GROUNDS.
>> AND LOOK, IF I... IF I REALLY WANTED TO, I COULD HAVE SNUCK ON
TO THE GROUNDS LATE AT NIGHT, AND PROBABLY NOBODY WOULD HAVE
SEEN ME.
>> Stephen: BOO!
I'VE DEVIN NUNES, CONGRESSIONAL NINJA!
( LAUGHTER ) HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
HOW DO YOU SNEAK ON TO THE WHITE HOUSE GROUNDS?
IS THAT REALLY SOMETHING WE SHOULD BE TELLING PEOPLE YOU CAN
DO?
IS THAT A SECRET HE GAVE AWAY OR IS IT HARD TO SEE YOU SNEAK ON
TO THE WHITE HOUSE GROUNDS WHEN THE SECRET SERVICE IS KNEELING
ON YOUR NECK.
NOW, NUNES HAS REFUSED TO SAY WHAT INTELLIGENCE HE SAW AT THE
WHITE HOUSE AND WHO LEAKED IT TO HIM, WHICH IS WHY EVERYONE IS
LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEXT HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE
MEETING.
BUT THEY'LL HAVE TO WAIT BECAUSE ALL THIS WEEK'S MEETINGS HAV
BEEN CANCELLED.
TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THAT, WE'RE GOING TO NEED "THE LATE
SHOW'S FIGURE-IT-OUT-A-TRON."
( APPLAUSE ) BRING IT OUT, BOYS!
>> WHEN LIGHT HITS IT.
IT REFLECTS OFFER AND GOES INTO YOUR EYES.
HERE AT THE CENTER WE HAVE A PHOTO-REALISTIC PORTRAIT OF
DEVIN NUNES. OKAY?
NOW, CONGRESSMAN NUNES CAN'T REVEAL WHAT HE LEARNED BECAUSE
HE'S GOT SPLIT LOYALTIES.
ON THIS HAND, OKAY, HE IS ON THE INTEL COMMITTEE, ALL RIGHT?
ON THE OTHER HAND, TRUMP TRANSITION TEAM.
HERE HE'S SPLITTING HIS FOCUS BETWEEN ACCUSING THE TRUMP TEAM
ACCUSING OBAMA OF WIRE HAPPENING AND WHILE ALL THIS IS HAPPENING,
HE'S HEADING STRAIGHT INTO THE WHITE HOUSE, WHICH I WILL
INDICATE WITH THIS W.
AND HE'S WAY UP IN THERE.
HE'S IN SO DEEP, YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE HIS HEAD.
HE'S THERE TALKING TO TRUMP AND TRUMP'S ASSOCIATES --
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S TALKING TO TRUMP'S
ASSOCIATES -- ASSOCIATES -- I'M WRITING OCIATES REALLY SMALL
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO WASTE CHALK HERE -- AND HE'S SO FAR UP
HERE TALKING TO TRUMP'S ASSOCIATES THAT HE CAN'T TELL
US.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I'M SAYING, HE'S REALLY IN TRUMP'S INNER CIRCLE, AND NO
MATTER WHERE THIS INVESTIGATION LEADS, NO MATTER WHAT WE FIND
OUT, ONE THING IS TRUE, NUNES IS NOT COMING OUT OF THIS SMELLING
LIKE A ROSE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
HANK AZARIA IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.