Opposers, the fight is back.
And the stakes are higher than ever,
because a hundred percent of 50% of the population
is at risk of total eradication...
of their identity.
I'm talking about men.
An overwhelming six states now have female governors,
which means only 44 states
stand between us and a complete "fempire."
It's time to suit up for battle,
because-- wardrobe, please...
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
...there's a war on men!
Something ominous is happening to men in America...
...a war on men.
The liberals' war on men is working.
(laughing)
...war on men...
(deep, distorted growling)
(cheering, applause)
Men...
this war is nothing new.
Women have been out to get us from birth.
In fact, all fetuses start as female in the womb,
until some of us brave souls fight our way to a penis.
And what's worse, just because women's bodies
are tiny baby apartments,
they think they get to call the shots on motherhood.
Battleground one: Babies.
-(military percussion plays) -Senator Tammy Duckworth
recently because the first senator to give birth
while in office.
And then something even more frightening happened.
NEWSWOMAN: Tammy Duckworth arrived to cast a vote
with her ten-day-old daughter by her side.
The Senate unanimously decided last night
to allow working moms on the Hill
to bring their newborns to work.
Like anything else in the Senate, though,
it wasn't without some bellyaching.
Senator Orrin Hatch even asking and telling the A.P.,
"But what if there are ten babies on the Senate floor?"
Exactly.
Hatch knows babies are loud, disruptive and in diapers.
And that's totally his thing.
(laughter)
And sure, there's only one female senator under 50,
but women are sneaky.
They're always creeping up behind you to say, "It's yours."
(laughter)
Don't be fooled.
This newborn fever is just the latest way
women have stripped men of their basic liberties.
Did you know that as recently as 2009
the Senate used to have a "men's only" pool.
Of course they did. Where else was Mitch McConnell
supposed to birth his eggs?
-(laughter) -And...
in 2013, a record number of women invaded the Senate
and then suddenly, months later, the Senate floor bathrooms
had to be expanded for women.
These women are capturing our porcelain thrones.
Women just want everything men have: our money, our power,
our convenient bowel movements.
This is a pissing contest that we will win,
because we do it standing.
And that's not all.
Men are being attacked on all fronts:
our homes, our works, even our happy places.
Specifically, the happiest place on earth.
Battleground number two: Disney World.
(military percussion plays)
The Pirates of the Caribbean ride is ground zero
for the feminist assault,
where crybabies are saying outrageous things,
like, auctioning off brides at a family theme park
is problematic.
This attraction, the Pirates of the Caribbean,
-Oh, God. -it's been there for 50 years.
It was originally a bride auction.
They've decided that this is too controversial,
and it's a Me Too moment.
Maybe the little hula girls at the Small World,
-they need to come out as well. -Oh, no, no.
I got stuck on that ride, It's a Small World.
I was stuck in there for, like, 45 minutes.
Of course, Laura Ingraham got stuck
on the "Small World" ride,
because every hero has an origin story.
And you know what?
Getting trapped in a globalist hellscape
of multicultural animatronics is Laura's.
Now, the removal of the wench auction
from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride
sets a dangerous precedent to men
because it's different.
Disney and its rides teach boys to become men.
If little boys can't look at a bunch
of seafaring murder pimps and think,
"That's what I want to be when I grow up,"
what do they have left?
Representation matters.
And, look, I know I'm right here,
because the men who are upset by this change
are the most well-adjusted people in America:
adults who go to Disney World.
But man magic isn't the only ground we've lost
in the war on men.
They're also renovating the fields of math and science,
which brings me to our final battleground: STEM.
It stands for science, technology,
engineering, and math.
Though it might as well stand for
"stealing to eliminate men."
Because women are taking our math and science jobs.
For years, I thought it was because
we summoned women on our calculators.
But...
it turns out there's another reason.
TV REPORTER: The Scully effect: Women who regularly watch
or watched The X-Files are 50% more likely to work
in science, technology, engineering or math,
compared to women who haven't been fans.
Nearly two-thirds of women in those fields
say Agent Scully served as a role model for them.
How dare they?
Math is our thing.
Two-thirds of these women said Scully was a role model,
but what about the other half?
(laughter)
Because of the XX-Files, a whole generation of women
are storming our labs and taking our jobs.
And if this show inspired them,
who knows what other strong female characters
have activated women.
There might be a horde of warrior princesses
out there ready to attack,
or an army of women
just waiting to explain it all.
It's unbelievable.
Men are the ones who explain things.
Explaining things to people is the last thing men have left.
Okay, okay. Let me explain it to you.
You see, Opposers,
men, we are under attack.
We need to make Disney less "family"
and more "manly."
Because we've lost the battle of Space Mountain,
but we need to counterstrike until Disney's Epcot Center
has two balls, as God intended.
And we need to get back to the position where the only time
a man has to deal with an infant at work
is when he's delivering it with his right hand
and holding a lit cigarette in his left.
Men, get in your battle stance,
which takes up approximately three seats on the subway.
We're going to compensate for the ground we've lost.
In fact, we'll overcompensate until we feel secure again.