(munching) Mmm. Oh yeah, that's good.
That's a very good Kardashian butt.
(Ian) SHUT UP!!
Okay.
Uh, hey guys.
I know you're super excited for the Food Battle.
But I have been doing a lot of thinking
and a lot of growing over this past year, and...
I just...don't think I can do it again.
I've just become way too mature, so I think I'm just completely
done with Food Battle.
(Anthony) F*ck that!
I just came back from the dead, and now you randomly
want to end Food Battle?
I'm just way too mature now.
Uh, you're literally reading from a poop joke book.
Look, man, I'm just over all this Food Battle sh*t.
(Ian) And to be honest, you're kind of being a crappy friend.
Now, if you'll excuse me, this conversation is making me
a little bit pooped.
(scoffs) Screw that.
We're doing this right NOW, bitch!
But we can't do it right now. We're not in the right house,
and I don't have my pink frosted sprinkled do--!
Oh...
Fine!
(half-assed munching)
♪ (metal music and firecrackers pop) ♪
That is NOT how you do it, and you know it!
Allow me to show you how with my new favorite food:
Rock candy.
(snarfing like Cookie Monster)
♪ (metal music) ♪
(gagging) Ah!
Oh, my god. That is so much harder than it looks.
(whispered) That's what she said!
Let's do a bike seat!
Alright, donut! This is gonna be so easy!
♪ (metal music) ♪
GYAAAAAAH!
(buzzer)
Okay...
♪ (metal music) ♪
(groaning)
Yeah, this doesn't hurt at all.
(ding)
BLAAAAGG!
GAAAAH!
AAH-HAHHHH.
Alright--(groaning in pain).
Let's just do, um... smoke detector.
Come on, you green sugary piece of diabetes.
Let's detect some smoke!
(flames crackle)
AAAAAHHHH!
(buzzer)
Alright, donut!
Detect the sh*t out of some smoke!
(groaning) Geeze!
Ugh! It smells like a skunk's butthole in here.
(smoke alarm goes off)
(ding)
- (moaning) - Why are your eyes so red?
God, these chips are like orgasms for my taste buds.
Fantasia, you have to try it.
- (munching) - So good.
Uh, let's see your stupid donut be a...
Uh...
- Uh... - Uh, mm-mm.
(stammering) Let's just choose something else.
- Yeah. - Yeah?
Go ahead.
Hacking device.
MY ROCK CANDY'S HACKING THIS BUSH SO F*CKING GOOD!
GYYYYAH!
(buzzer)
Alright, my pink doughy ball of love. Let's do some real hacking,
unlike that idiot, Anthony!
(blipping)
Ooh, a new fappening? Hell to the yeah!
(gasping)
(sobbing)
(ding)
Let's see my spiky green stick be a...
(clock ticks)
(sighs)
Um...
Can we just do something else?
No, dude! We already skipped one.
We can't skip another one.
(sighs)
Okay, uh, so should I get out the mirror?
No, we're gonna have to do it to each other.
What? Okay.
- Give me-- - So just...
I'm sorry! I'm sorry, mom!
This footage was lost.
Um...
(sighs) Let's uh, let's agree to never--
Let's just--let's just do an iPhone.
Yeah. Yeah.
(clock ticks)
♪ (metal music) ♪
Siri, call my mom so I can tell her I used the big boy potty!
Call...my...FRICKIN mom!
(crickets chirp)
FINE!
(buzzer)
(groans)
(gasps)
(whimpers)
(grunts) Oh, yes.
And the number one reason the Food Battle Game is a mobile game.
Most fun I've had taking a sh*t my whole life!
(ding)
(farts)
Let's see your stupid fried piece of crap do...
- braille. - Hell, yeah!
(shrieking) What the f*ck?!
Hey, I think it's telling me that Ian replaced my food with a...cactus?
Oh goddamn it, Ian!
You know I have sensitive fingers!
(ding)
I think it's telling me the meaning of life is to not get caught up
in pointless battles involving food, and to never, ever cheat.
Suck my cacti!
And it's also telling me that I should move to the right, right now.
HAH! Never try to out-cheat a cheater, Anth--
(groans)
(ding)
Let's see your donut be a...
wait, why is this thing wet and purple?
No reason.
(gasps) This is poison, isn't it?
I think I know what you did.
When you were a small child, you planted a Brazilian poisonous
Devils Breath Tree.
13 years later, you hired a private logging company
to turn that tree into a very thin, flexible paper.
The very kind used in an average American catalogue.
You timed it perfectly so nine Food Battles later
the poison within the pages would seep out, thus turning
an ordinary catalogue into a deadly piece of parchment.
Uh, nope.
I just drenched it in this huge bucket of poison.
(poison sloshes)
Oh...(splutters)
B-B-Bob Barker brews ball sack! Ptttth.
(thud)
Mwahahahaha!
Biiiitch!
♪ (metal music) ♪
Ian! You just won Food Battle.
No!
(groaning)
(ragged breaths)
Oh crap.
(ragged breaths)
I guess I win Food Battle this year!
♪ (metal music) ♪
You just won Food Battle 2014! What are you gonna do now?
I'm gonna take a bubble bath!
Oh boy, a bubble bath! Can I come?
F*ck yeah!
(giggling)
Is this awesome or what?
(laughs) Totally.
(giggling)
H-H-Hey there, kids! It's Barney.
Food Battle: The Game is finally out for iOS and Android devices!
Ah-huh-ho!
Click the box on the right to check it out, or just whip out your device
right now and look for it on the app store,
or Google Play!
And to see bloopers from this video, including this:
(splutters) Bob Barker's bruised buttholes.
(laughs)
Why did I say butthole?
(Barney) Click the video on the left.
And don't forget to subscribe, 'cause if you're not subscribed,
then I'm gonna break into your house at night and eat all your fingers!
Ah-hah-hah-ho!
[captioned by www.facebook.com/subtitleyoutube]