WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, EVERYBODY, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN
COLBERT.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: I JUST WANT TO SAY HELLO CITIZENS OF EARTH.
AND IF THIS IS A RERUN FROM TWO YEARS FROM NOW, HELLO TO ALL OF
OUR FIGHTING BOYS IN THE ASTEROID BELT!
GO GIVE THE ASTRO KAISER HELL!
BECAUSE TONIGHT THERE IS BIG NEWS ABOUT SPAAACE FORCE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: WAS I LOOKING AT THE RIGHT PLACE?
LONG TIME VIEWERS OF THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION WILL REMEMBER
THAT SPACE FORCE IS THE PRESIDENT'S BOLDEST IDEA THAT HE
GOT FROM A BUZZ LIGHTYEAR HAPPY MEAL TOY.
(LAUGHTER) AND NOW, NOW CITIZENS, TO
REFRESH YOUR MEM REBANKS WE TAKE TO YOU STAR DATE MARCH 13th
WHERE SUPREME LEADER TRUMP ADDRESSED A CONFUSED PLANET.
>> MY NEW NATIONAL STRATEGY FOR SPACE RECOGNIZES THAT SPACE IS A
WAR-FIGHTING DOMAIN VUS LIKE THE LAND, AIR AND SEA. WE MAY EVEN
HAVE A SPACE FORCE DEVELOP ANOTHER ONE, SPACE FORCE.
WE HAVE THE AIR FORCE, WE'LL HAVE THE SPACE FORCE.
WE'LL CALL IT THE SPACE FORCE.
THINK OF THAT, SPACE FORCE!
>> Stephen: YES!
THINK OF THAT.
BUT NOT TOO HARD BECAUSE IT'S STUPID.
(LAUGHTER) WE ALREADY HAVE NASA.
WE DON'T NEED SPACE FORCE.
PLEAS WAIT UNTIL NASA FINDS LIFE BEFORE YOU TRY TO KILL IT.
(LAUGHTER) AND TODAY SPACE FORCE, GOT A
BOOST FROM VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE NO SURPRISE.
PENCE SAY HUGE FAN OF SPACE STRKS THE FARTHEST YOU CAN GET
FROM BEING ALONE WITH A HUMAN WOMAN.
(LAUGHTER) NOW, YES, IN A PEACH TO THE
DEFENSE DEPARTMENT PENCE OUTLINED THE MISSION THAT WILL
TAKE US TO THE STARS.
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP PROCLAIMED THAT THE UNITED STATES STANDS IN
HIS WORDS AT THE BIRLT OF A NEW MILLENNIUM, READY TO UNLOCK THE
MYSTERIES OF SPACE.
>> Stephen: WHAT A STIRRING CALL TO SOMETHING WE'RE ALREADY
DOING.
(LAUGHTER) YEAH, SINCE THE 1960S IN FACT,
PENCE'S SPEECH REMINDED ME OF JFK'S IMMORTAL WORDS.
>> WE CHOOSE TO GO TO THE MOON IN THIS DECADE AND DO THE OTHER
THINGS, IF THE BECAUSE THEY ARE EASY BUT TO DISTRACT FROM ROBERT
MUELLER.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: YES.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: 2 IS POWERFUL.
IT IS POWERFUL.
SO POWERFUL.
THEN PENCE LAID OUT EXACTLY THE ADMINISTRATION'S PLAN, WHAT THEY
NEED TO PUT IT INTO ACTIONS.
>> THE SECOND STEP THIS REPORT CALLS FOR THE CREATION OF AN
ELITE GROUP OF JOINT WAR FIGHTERS SPECIALIZING IN THE
DOMAIN OF SPACE WHO WILL FORM THE BACKBONE OF THE NATION'S
NEWEST ARMED SERVICE.
SPACE OPERATIONS FORCE.
>> Stephen: NO, NO, NO. IT IS CALLED SPACE FORCE, NOT SPACE
OPERATIONS FORCE.
IF YOU NAME A THING THAT DUMB, YOU HAVE STO STICK WITH IT.
AND GO BACK A SECOND.
YOU SAID WE NEED AN ELITE GROUP OF JOINT WAR FIGHTERS?
JEFF SESSIONS IS ALREADY FIGHTING THE JOINT WAR.
AND WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF SPACE FORCE LOST THE
BATTLE.
(LAUGHTER) THEN, THEN PENCE LED OUR NATION
IN A TRADITIONAL SPACE PRAYER.
>> IF YOU RISE IN THE WINGS OF THE DAWN, IF YOU SETTLE ON THE
FAR SIDE OF THE SEA, EVEN IF YOU GO UP TO THE HEAVENS, EVEN
THERE, HIS HAND WILL GUIDE YOU.
HIS RIGHT HAND WILL HOLD YOU FAST.
AND WILL HOLD FAST THIS GREAT NATION.
AND THE GREAT BEYOND.
>> Stephen: HOLD ON A SECOND.
YOU SAID HIS RIGHT HAND WILL HOLD YOU FAST, AND HE WILL HOLD
FAST THIS GREAT NATION, AND THE GREAT BEYOND?
HOW MANY HANDS DOES GOD HAVE, WAIT, IS MIKE PENCE WORESHIPPING
VISHNU, WHOEVER ASTRO GOD IS, IT WAS A TRULY ELOQUENT AND
SPIRITUAL BENEDICTION OR AS TRUMP PUT IT, SPACE FORCE ALL
THE WAY.
(LAUGHTER) SPACE FORCE, YOU KNOW I LOVE IT.
I, OF COURSE I WOULD JOIN BUT I HAVE SPACE SPURS.
I CAN'T.
I CAN'T DO IT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: AND TODAY SKY MARSHAL TRUMP--
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: YES, SKY MARSHALL TRUMP SENT HIS SUPPORTERS AN
EMAIL LETTING THEM VOTE FOR THE SPACE FORCES NEW INSIGNIA.
THEY WILL VOTE FOR THEIR FAVORITE AND THE FINAL CHOICE
WILL BE MADE BY THE ELECTORAL SPACE COLLEGE.
(LAUGHTER) BUT THERE WERE SIX, SIX, SIX
DOES NOT SEEM LIKE ENOUGH OPTIONS TO US.
SO THE LATE SHOW HAS MADE A FEW OF OUR OWN.
SPACE FORCE, MARS HAS CLEANER WATER THAN FLINT.
IN SPACE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU COLLUDE.
AND ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, REALLY SMALL HANDS FOR A MAN.
(LAUGHTER) CHARYS PLAWS PEW PEW PEW PEW.