>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK.
WE'RE ALREADY HERE TALKING WITH OUR FRIEND JON BATISTE.
WE WERE JUST WORKING OUT SOME-- WE WERE JUST WORKING OUT SOME--
SOME-- SOME...
>> Jon: COMMON TONALITY HARMONY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY, COMMON
TONALITY HARMONY.
>> Jon: IT'S A FUN GAME.
JUST PLAY THE ONE NOTE...
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: AAAHH!
>> Jon: OOOH.
>> Stephen: CAN I SING JAZZ?
YOU BET.
READY?
AAAAHHHH...
♪ ♪ ♪ NO MATTER WHAT HE PLAYS, I'M
READY.
>> Jon: YOU'RE A BAD CAT.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH, I'M WAY GONE, DADDY-O.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU LOOK ALL FRESH AND HAPPY.
>> Jon: YEAH.
I'M GOOD.
I WAS JUST CHECKING-- SPEAKING OF JAZZ, I WAS LISTENING TO DUKE
ELING TON ON THE DICK CAVETT SHOW.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> I DIDN'T REALIZE HE HAD DONE THAT SHOW.
AND I CHECKED THAT OUT, MAN, AND I WAS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED TO
FIND THAT CLIP FLOATING AROUND ONLINE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
WHAT DID THEY TALK ABOUT?
>> Jon: WELL, I WAS JUST LISTENING TO IT JUST BEFORE WE
STARTED TALKING.
BUT THEY WERE STARTING TO TALK ABOUT HOW HE'S ON THE ROAD AND
HE NEVER LEAVES THE ROAD.
LIKE, DUKE ELLINGTON -- >> Stephen: LIKE, DIDN'T HAVE
A HOME, JUST WAS ALWAYS ON THE ROAD.
>> Jon: YES.
AND HIS IDEA OF TOURING THAT WAS IT DIDN'T EXIST.
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS TOURING.
IT'S JUST A WAY OF LIFE.
AND THAT WAS REALLY INTERESTING TO HEAR HOW HE APPROACHED THE
MUSIC LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: WOW, WOW.
HARD ON THE FAMILY, I GUESS.
>> Jon: YEAH.
THAT'S NOT FOR ME.
BUT... YOU KNOW, DUKE MADE GREAT MUSIC, SO MAYBE HE FIGURED
SOMETHING OUT, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: MUCH LOVE.
>> Stephen: Y'KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME SITTING RIGHT HERE,
BRINGING TOGETHER THE ORGANIC WHOLE WHEAT FLOUR, THE TRIPLE-
FRENCH-FLAKED SEA SALT, AND FRESH ACTIVE BAKER'S YEAST THAT
ARE THE BIG STORIES OF THE DAY, PROOFING AND BAKING THEM INTO
THE ARTISANAL BAGUETTE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, INSTACART CAN'T GET ANY OF THAT
STUFF.
SO I LIKE TO ALSO SIT RIGHT HERE, RUMMAGE THROUGH THE NEWS
PANTRY FOR SOME EXPIRED CAKE MIX, SOAK SOME RAISINS IN TEPID
ORANGE JUICE TO FERMENT MY OWN YEAST, AND THROW IN THE BAKING
SODA FROM THE BACK OF THE CRISPER TO MAKE THE HOBO-STYLE
QUICKBREAD OF NEWS THAT IS MY QUARANTINED MEANWHILE SEGMENT:
>> QUARANTINE-WHILE!
>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN CALIFORNIA, A TRIO OF SUSPECTED
THIEVES WAS ARRESTED IN WHAT POLICE ARE CALLING A "HEINOUS
TOILET PAPER CAPER."
YOU CAN SEE IT ALL IN THE NEW ACTION COMEDY: "OCEAN'S
NUMBER 2."
POLICE WERE PATROLLING A SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOT WHEN
THEY CAME ACROSS THE THIEVES TRYING STEAL "31 ROLLS OF TOILET
PAPER, 31 TOWELS OF VARIOUS SIZES, AND FOUR SETS OF BED
SHEETS."
NO JUDGEMENT, BUT IT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE THOSE THIEVES ARE
PLANNING TO WIPE THEIR BUTTS WITH TOWELS AND SHEETS.
IT WOULD EXPLAIN CHARMIN'S NEW SLOGAN: "ENJOY THE GO, DREAD THE
LAUNDRY."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "AMERICANS ARE STOCKPILING FROZEN PIZZA,
CAUSING A POTENTIAL SHORTAGE AMID THE CORONAVIRUS."
REALLY?
FROZEN PIZZA?
FRESH PIZZA IS ONE OF THE THINGS YOU CAN STILL HAVE BROUGHT TO
YOU.
FROZEN PIZZA IS A LAST RESORT.
THAT'S WHY THE SLOGAN IS, "IT'S NOT DELIVERY.
IT'S DE ONLY THING WE HAVE."
QUARANTINEWHILE, A DOG HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR CORONAVIRUS,
MARKING THE FIRST KNOWN POSITIVE CASE IN A DOG IN THE UNITED
STATES.
NOT TO BLAME THE VICTIM HERE, BUT I DOUBT THE DOG WAS
OBSERVING PROPER HYGIENE PROTOCOLS WHILE LICKING ITS OWN
BUTT.
CANINE PATIENT ZERO IS A PUG FROM NORTH CAROLINA NAMED
WINSTON, SEEN HERE CONTAMINATING THE PHOTOGRAPHER.
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HIM BECAUSE, APPARENTLY,
HE WAS ONLY SICK FOR A FEW DAYS AND IS NOW DOING MUCH BETTER.
THOUGH, KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS A PUG WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.
SO THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN HE'S FEELING HEALTHY.
NOW, THIS ISN'T JUST A DOG PROBLEM, BECAUSE SOME CATS HAVE
ALSO TESTED POSITIVE FOR CORONAVIRUS.
HOLD UP, HOW ARE THESE DOGS AND CATS EVEN GETTING ACCESS TO
COVID-19 TESTS?
DO THEY PLAY IN THE N.B.A?
YOU KNOW, THERE'S NOTHING IN THE RULE BOOK THAT SAYS A DOG CAN'T
PLAY IN THE N.B.A.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "THE PENTAGON HAS OFFICIALLY RELEASED U.F.O.
VIDEOS."
NOW, THIS ISN'T NEW FOOTAGE.
THE PENTAGON IS JUST OFFICIALLY DECLASSIFYING IT AFTER THE NAVY
VIDEOS WERE FIRST RELEASED BY A COMPANY CO-FOUNDED BY FORMER
BLINK-182 MUSICIAN TOM DELONGE."
WILL ALL SENSITIVE GOVERNMENT SECRETS NOW COME FROM '90s POP
BANDS?
I LOOK FORWARD TO GETTING NORTH KOREAN MISSILE DEFENSE
INFORMATION FROM SMASHMOUTH.
ATE AGENT SMAGHT-MOUTH.
AGENT SMAGHT-- AGENT SMAGHT-MOUTH.
IT'S NOT EASY TO SAY, "AGENT SMASHMOUTH.
"AGENT SMASHMOUTH, HOW DID YOU COME BY THIS INFORMATION?"
♪ "SOME-BODY ONCE TOLD ME THOSE LAUNCHPADS AREN'T PHONY
♪ I THINK THIS IS A CREDIBLE THREEAT ♪
QUARANTINE-WHILE, A FAMILY IN IOWA "MADE A SIDEWALK CHALK
MONOPOLY GAME DURING THE COVID-19 LOCKDOWN."
HERE'S VIDEO OF THE GAMEBOARD WINDING THROUGH THEIR
NEIGHBORHOOD.
ISN'T THAT NICE?
LOOK AT THAT.
THAT'S COOL.
VERY IMPRESSIVE.
AND WAY SAFER THAN MY IDEA: FULL-SIZED HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JAKE GYLLENHAAL.
♪ SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME ♪ SMASHMOUTH!