-It's all so crazy right now.
I really think people are just losing it.
-Really? -Yeah.
I was walking to work today.
I saw this angry man who was yelling about all this stuff.
And he wouldn't stop. He wouldn't stop yelling.
And I thought if he's got something to say,
let's just bring him on the show tonight.
So come on out.
Here's the angry guy I saw on the street.
Here he is.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you. Yeah, folks.
Thank you, thank you.
Folks.
There is this annoying trend in advertising now,
especially on cable, where they want you to get to know
the non-celebrity spokesman for whatever the product is.
There's one running on CNN right now.
It says, "Bob is 68 years old.
Bob has hemorrhoids.
Learn more about Bob's story on hemorrhoids.com."
I don't want to know Bob's story, okay?
[ Laughter ]
How empty is my life that I have time to go to this website?
Hey, if I want to see hemorrhoids,
I can stand in the bathroom with a hand mirror, okay?
I don't need to go to some stupid website.
And what do I do when I get to the website?
E-mail him pictures of my hemorrhoids now?
What, we in some kind of a hemorrhoid club?
I don't care.
Oh, and listen to this.
Medical marijuana experts
now say you can cure hemorrhoids using marijuana.
Let me tell you something.
Okay, no.
If you think you can cure hemorrhoids with the marijuana,
somebody's just blowing smoke up your ass, okay?
That's all I have to say. [ Cheers and applause ]
No, oh, no, no, no, no.
So then, last week I go into the Apple store to get
another $29 six-inch white charge cord for my iPhone.
[ Laughter ]
And the guy says to me, "What iPhone do you have?"
I said, "I got 7S."
"7S? Oh, man, you got to upgrade.
How about our 10th anniversary iPhone?"
I said, "How much is that?"
He goes, "A thousand dollars."
It's a thousand dollars for the 10th anniversary iPhone.
I didn't spend $1,000 on my 10th wedding anniversary, okay?
[ Laughter ]
Okay, that was pretty much Sizzler and a Hallmark card.
[ Laughter ]
Then he says, "Oh, you need it,
because it has the new improved camera."
How much more camera do you need on your iPhone?
What are you using this for? Colonoscopies?
What level of detail -- [ Laughter ]
"Oh, look how much bigger Uncle Ken's nostril hairs are
with this new camera."
And it's huge. It's literally a tablet.
Have you seen how big it is?
See people at the airport walking around with it.
You look like Moses carrying the 10 Commandments
with your stupid iPhone.
Anyway, I just came in from L.A.
This is another annoying --
Here's something you do in Los Angeles, okay?
My wife and I go to the supermarket.
We buy $128 worth of groceries.
And the clerk says, "You want a bag for that?"
"No, we're going to eat it here. Okay, that's fine."
[ Laughter ]
"I'm gonna put the ice cream in my pants.
I'll put the hamburger in my shirt."
Really, I only spent a $128 to ask for a bag.
I feel like I'm taking too much, really.
I'm taking advantage.
Oh, and then I do that credit-card swipe thing,
you know, with the plastic pen on a little chain.
Why the chain? Who is stealing that? Okay?
[ Laughter ]
First of all, it's not even a pen.
It's a plastic stick, okay?
So I go to sign, and I'm trying to sign.
I go, "Miss, excuse me, miss. This isn't working."
She goes, "Oh, don't worry about it."
Don't worry about it?
Isn't that the essence of credit-card fraud --
"don't worry about it"? [ Laughter ]
And then she just, "Oh, you can sign with your finger."
You ever sign with your finger?
And then you look at your signature.
Looks like it was written by
a nymphomaniac sitting on a washing machine.
Woo-hoo-woo! [ Laughter ]
And let me ask something.
And what is this -- what is this annoying trend now?
We have stores inside of other stores.
The supermarket we went to had a Coffee Bean
inside the supermarket.
And inside the Coffee Bean was a Starbucks.
Okay, it didn't make any sense. [ Laughter ]
Oh, listen to this.
Amazon announced they're going to be opening stores nationwide
with no sales clerks of any kind.
First of all, that's not new, okay?
Sears had that 20 years ago, okay?
[ Laughter ]
You ever try to buy something at Sears?
"Hello. I'm trying to pay for this Kenmore suit.
Hello? Hello? Anybody here? Hello?"
What happened? What happened to Sears?
Remember when Sears was Amazon?
Remember those days, you got that catalog,
you found what you wanted and boom --
eight weeks later it was right there.
[ Laughter ]
Look, I am out of here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Screw you, Fallon!
-Oh, my God. Get out.
Angry man -- oh, my God.
-Oh, my God. -Kicking the door, my God.
-Wow!
-Jay Leno, everybody, right there.