- We'll take five random suggestions,
then we'll drop a beat and have some fun.
If you are set,
we'll start with this kind of the enclave here.
I love this section of the room.
It's very dingy and dark, but the people here,
I'd love to know what you'd like to hear a rap about.
- [Audience] Wearing socks in the shower.
- Wearing socks in the shower.
Stated like that's a normal, non-psychopathic thing to do.
(audience laughs)
Is that a thing?
- [Audience] It might have happened.
- It might have happened.
- [Audience] I was a little hungover.
- A little hungover. That seems fair.
Wearing socks in the shower. Thank you very much.
Let's come, we'll come to the back of the room.
If you're running from left to right at the back,
what would you like to hear a rap about?
(indistinct talking)
Okay, the what soundtrack?
- [Audience 1] A principal's contract.
- A something contract. I misheard the first -
- [Various Audience Members] Principal! Principal!
Principal!
- A principal's contract.
The contract for the head of a school?
- [Various Audience Members] Yes!
- Okay, cool. Thank you.
We call them head teachers, which is,
(audience laughs)
That's just what we call them.
And that's what I call my wife. Yeah, no.
A principal's contract. Great! Wearing socks in the shower.
Let's come to the kind of the front section,
but then, this side.
What do you wanna rap about?
- [Audience 1] Right here.
- Yeah. When you said right here, the confidence over there.
This suggestion's gonna blow 'em out the water. Yeah!
- [Audience 2] American football versus British football.
- American football versus British football.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for using the word football and not soccer.
I do appreciate that.
American football versus British football.
The two footballs.
This section here, what you wanna rap about?
- [Audience 3] Asking for extra meals on an airline.
- Asking for extra meals on an airline?
(audience laughs)
Yeah! Who the fuck are you? What is? (audience laughs)
Who do you think you are, sir?
Has that ever worked for you?
- [Audience 3] On British Airways!
- On British Airways? (audience laughs)
You're welcome, right?
That's just 'cause the queen died. Everyone was sad.
And when you're sad, you're hungry.
So they're like, here you go. Have one on the queen.
Extra meals on British Airlines. Soccer versus football.
The principal's contract, the wearing socks in the shower.
Final section.
So far, these are pretty fun, great suggestions.
What's it gonna, oh, a hand up here. So polite. Yes?
- [Audience 4] It's the Queen's birthday.
- It's the Queen's birthday?
I don't think that's possible, because, (audience laughs)
I hate to break it to you, madam,
but she ain't queen no more. She ain't queen.
She been queen, but she no longer queen.
Okay. It's the Queen's birthday.
Okay, well my lovely, my lovely boys.
I would love for you to lay me down some sweet, sweet music.
Some lounge.
Yeah, the queen's birthday. Principal's contract.
Soccer versus football.
Asking for extra meals on the airline,
and socks in the shower.
And I love it when I hear the words.
I gotcha from over there.
Yeah, they got me and I got you guys.
Don't worry, 'cause you're going.
This is gonna be shit, but it's not.
It's gonna be spectacular and fun and we'll start with you.
Nice.
♪ We got the snare base kick high hats and the cymbals ♪
♪ Let me break it down quick ♪
♪ Moving over to principals ♪
♪ They the head of the school acting oh so cool ♪
♪ I call them head teachers ♪
♪ You gotta follow the rules with these ones ♪
♪ I'm breaking it down when I rap ♪
♪ Head teacher principal want a new contract ♪
♪ Maybe provide a pay rise ♪
♪ More of the cash is difficult ♪
♪ You and the other teachers frequently clash ♪
♪ You're like do you work do you teach subjects ♪
♪ They're like I've got a lot of classrooms that I inspect ♪
♪ 'Tis a hard job building up that community ♪
♪ People getting drunk with impunity ♪
♪ Assuming these ladies they're crazy ♪
♪ The sun's dawning ♪
♪ Wake up in the morning ♪
♪ Their eyes they be yawning saying ♪
♪ Oh fuck last night I went over rag ♪
♪ Go there been the village ♪
♪ Now I'm hung over ♪
♪ I've gotta make sure feel the water on my skin ♪
♪ Jumping outta bed turn the shower on and jumping in ♪
♪ Yes my shampoo I've got my body wash ♪
♪ Wait what's this weird feeling ♪
♪ Shit I'm still wearing my socks ♪
♪ Should've taken them off ♪
♪ Trying to be neat trying to be clean ♪
♪ But I can't glean the fact from my feet ♪
♪ I'm showing it I'll leave 'em on it's kind of fun these ♪
♪ I'm dancing round in the shower ♪
♪ It feels spongy ♪
♪ Mm yeah that's my goal ♪
♪ I like to wear my socks when I'm on the plug hole ♪
♪ Dancing around yes y'all ♪
♪ I like to wear my socks and my cleats ♪
♪ When I play football I'm adventurous ♪
♪ Like Sinbad playing football in the UK ♪
♪ You need your shin pads ♪
♪ In the US it's different ♪
♪ The way ya tell it ♪
♪ They're rushing with concussion ♪
♪ So you gotta wear the helmet ♪
♪ Ooh people over here say we do not agree ♪
♪ We prefer the sport with less CTE ♪
♪ That's the brain injury oh hooray ♪
♪ Football teams moving round from Tampa Bay ♪
♪ To other places and they change their name ♪
♪ It's different you hold it with your hands ♪
♪ But the name of the game is football ♪
♪ Makes no sense to me ♪
♪ You've got the disrespect to call it soccer ♪
♪ Presently we be moving off choosing what to do ♪
♪ Section over here ♪
♪ Remind me what you said again lady shout it out loud ♪
- [Audience 4] I think it's the king's birthday this day.
♪ What the fuck I don't even know what that said ♪
♪ Okay you got it right y'all ♪
♪ Get it right ♪
♪ The monarchy the king Mr. Charles number three ♪
♪ The third we don't adore these ♪
♪ He thought he was cute but doesn't have the corgis ♪
♪ So you saw these ladies there on the throne ♪
♪ Chilling in the palace Buckingham ♪
♪ That was the name of her home ♪
♪ She'd be fucking them the colonies I mean ♪
♪ Ascended 70 years ago like bitch I'm the queen ♪
♪ I'm Lizzy get dizzy got a lot to say ♪
♪ Hip hooray celebrate it's my fucking birthday ♪
♪ Everybody bow down give me respect ♪
♪ I'm the queen check the crown ♪
♪ And you're my loyal subjects ♪
♪ But sadly Lizzy now you're dead in the ground ♪
♪ What you're gonna do ♪
♪ Oh a bone the corgi has found ♪
♪ Maybe they dug it out the grave out the family tomb ♪
♪ A guy eats a meal ♪
♪ But says there's still more room in my tummy ♪
♪ I'm hungry while the altitude plummets I'm rubbing round ♪
♪ Got my hand upon my stomach ah fuck it ♪
♪ I'm gonna ask the cabin crew or the air hostess ♪
♪ If there's misogyny in you ♪
♪ You say please the lady on BA ♪
♪ Come over here give me the food right away ♪
♪ BA like DJ ya know I'm gonna leave you ♪
♪ The air hostess sucked me off ♪
♪ That was the head teacher ♪
(audience cheers)