Translator: Helena Bowen Reviewer: Denise RQ
I try to keep the fact
that I've written a parenting book a secret.
I live in a small town,
and when people see me coming in the grocery store,
I see a look of panic in their eyes.
I assume they think I'm going to judge them
because they're locked in a power struggle over buying Fruit Loops,
but the truth is
I am likely just off the heels of a battle with my own kids,
and I'm using this trip to the grocery store as an excuse
to get the hell out of my house.
(Laughter)
Safe to say that none of this will help me get my next book deal
(Laughter)
but in addition to having written a parenting book,
my work is based in the science of mindfulness.
So, not only is there this illusion that I know everything about parenting
but I'm supposed to be doing it all blissfully.
(Laughter)
Calm and collected, totally unflappable,
disciplining and encouraging my kids in my best yogi voice.
(Laughter)
But most days, come five o'clock, I'm far more tempted
to reach for the Chardonnay than the meditation cushion.
(Laughter)
And I'm not alone.
You see, my generation is slowly but surely losing [its mind].
About five years ago,
Generation X was identified as the most stressed generation in America.
To complicate things, many of us GenXers decided to have kids.
(Laughter)
This created what I call 'Generation Stress',
a generation of stressed out parents, raising a generation of stressed out kids.
My daughter started sixth grade about a month ago,
and she was so excited to start middle school.
She shared with me these Pinterest photos,
explaining what all the sixth graders are doing.
(Laughter)
This is what happens when Generation Stress procreates.
(Laughter)
It seems as though we figured out a way to make entering middle school
even more anxiety-provoking than it already was
by adding 70 dollar locker chandeliers
to the must-have back to school supply list.
(Laughter)
So we have this generation of over-achieving, over-stimulated,
over-connected parents raising the same types of kids.
We are Generation Stress.
We have big stressors: we have financial difficulties,
demanding careers, divorce, health problems, school violence,
teen suicides, and record-high rates of anxiety and depression
in elementary school students.
And, we have little stressors:
traffic jams, 24/7 texts and emails from our coworkers,
juggling whose turn it is to stay home with the sick kid.
Our kids not only absorb our stress, but they have their own triggers,
trying to keep up with growing piles of homework
while staying on top of the latest thread on Instagram,
and signing up for one more honors class
to improve their shot at getting into college.
Before we dismiss the little stuff as no big deal,
think about this for a moment:
When we compare the brain scans of Vietnam vets
with the brain scans of chronically stressed out people,
they actually have a lot in common.
The compound effects of life's little annoyances add up
and can be as detrimental as true PTSD.
We respond to these stressors, big and little,
by constantly stimulating the survival mechanisms in our brains,
and so our bodies respond, again and again.
Our hearts race, our blood pressure rises,
our decision-making centers in our brains stay roped off,
while our bodies and our brains tend to what we perceive
as ever-present emergencies.
We live in survival mode.
But there is hope.
(Laughter)
So, if you're about to fake a bathroom break
to escape what has thus far not been the most playful talk, sit tight.
(Laughter)
I have good news.
In the same way that all of this crap, for lack of a better word,
puts us into survival mode, simple practices can get us out.
Generation X will go
to some pretty extreme lengths to create change.
We'll work 80 hours a week to get that promotion,
hire a personal trainer to help us lose 10 pounds,
and spend thousands of dollars
botoxing our foreheads and plumping our lips,
and every parent I know will move heaven and earth
to improve their kids' wellbeing.
We'll shoe-horn in one more essential activity,
remove all the gluten from our households,
and hire a private coach to give our kids the edge at soccer try-outs.
What I'm talking about here
is more elemental and infinitely more important.
I'm talking about emotional and physical health,
learning, empathy, relationships, and more.
With all this at stake, can any of us afford not to unplug a little,
look each other in the eye, and integrate a few simple practices
to calm the survival mechanisms in the brain
and buoy us all from this generation of stress we have created.
Research tells us that lasting change
doesn't come from drastic life transformations.
It comes from a collection of small changes,
changes that don't require money, leaving the city, or quitting your job.
Short, simple practices can get us out of survival mode
and shift us from surviving to thriving.
Today, I'd like to share a few of my favorite practices.
I have a friend, Erin, who's a teacher who's had a really difficult year.
On October 11th, she finished her final day of work
prior to her scheduled c-section the next Monday.
Her colleagues had thrown her a baby shower,
her parents and in-laws had flown in town for the birth.
On Sunday, the day before the scheduled procedure,
Erin gave birth to a still-born child.
She went from anticipating one of the most exciting life-changing events
to trying to figure out how she was going to explain
to a group of second graders why she was back at work so soon.
Days can be brutally hard for my friend Erin,
but she's convinced that life is made to be lived,
and she started this little practice with two of her colleagues.
At the end of each school day,
they text each other three good things about their day.
Sometimes it's that the sun is shining,
sometimes it's that a student who was struggling did well on a test.
Regardless, this simple practice that takes about 60 seconds to do
profoundly impacted how they felt about their days and their lives.
They enjoyed work more, they were less exhausted at the end of the week,
they felt happier.
Research from Duke University supports what they're doing.
According to their research,
this practice of recognizing our positive experiences for two weeks
significantly lowers depression and burn-out, increases happiness,
improves sleep, and helps us create a better work-life balance.
When they followed participants in this study
for six months after the two-week practice,
they found this practice trends better than Prozac
for easing depression and boosting happiness.
When I talked to my friend Erin about this practice, she said this,
"It would be so easy for me to spend every day dwelling on what I do not have.
Finding the good forces me to become aware
of the multiple opportunities of good in my day.
This is the gift born out of my loss,
the good that reshapes my mind and spirit."
I come from a long line of perfectionists.
My grandfather was a perfectionist, my dad was a perfectionist,
He raised three perfectionists,
though, I like to consider myself a recovering perfectionist.
(Laughter)
Our society is filled with perfectionists, and it sounds pretty cool to be one,
but true perfectionism doesn't propel anyone forward,
and it has actually been shown to hold us back,
and can lead to crippling anxiety, depression, and even suicide.
I once had someone tell me I was doing mindfulness wrong.
(Laughter)
Now, it sounds like you know
that mindfulness is a practice based in non-judgmental awareness
(Laughter)
yet here I was, being judged, and judged pretty critically.
I honestly thought I was going to be turned in to the mindfulness police
for allowing 6-year-olds to use a prop while meditating.
(Laughter)
How did I respond?
This woman's comment sent me reeling.
The perfectionist in me determined that I should close up shop,
crawl into a hole, and figure out a new career.
It took mere seconds for me
to disregard years of education and experience training kids and adults,
all the research that backed up my methods,
and all the beautiful stories that I had been told
about how my work had helped people.
I immediately went down this rabbit hole
of "I'm totally worthless because this woman said so."
Perfectionist or not, we in Generation Stress beat up ourselves.
Unless we learn to acknowledge and reframe our mistakes,
they will devour us.
When I talked to my dad about the fact
that part of what I would be speaking about today was perfectionism,
he said this, "There is nothing wrong with attempting perfection,
so long as you understand that success is remote.
Failure should not be viewed negatively,
but rather it can serve as the basis for future challenges,
and challenge is a stimulus for a productive, happy, and meaningful life."
My perfectionist dad kind of nailed it.
The practice is to reframe our mistakes and our challenges in terms of growth.
When we can do this, our brain responds to these challenges differently.
They no longer send us into a panicked downward spiral.
You can reinforce this practice by asking your parents, your grandparents,
or someone you look up to about a mistake they made that lead to growth,
or share one of your own challenges with your teen or young child.
Taking risks, making mistakes,
picking ourselves up and dusting ourselves off
are keys to grit and resilience,
resilience to all the stress I just mentioned.
Kindness shifts us from surviving to thriving.
Studies show that engaging in one act of kindness a day for just ten days
can measurably increase your happiness,
and witnessing an act of kindness
is almost as effective as engaging in the act yourself,
as this releases serotonin in our brain,
and can lead to what neuroscientists call a peak experience,
those rare moments of inspiration that leave us grateful to be alive.
These moments don't have to be over the top.
You can hold the door for someone,
let somebody who appears rushed go ahead of you in line,
or write a kind note to a friend or co-worker in need.
The key is to bring mindful attention to these simple acts.
I wanted to find a way to cultivate kindness in my own family,
so we play a game called Rose, Bud, Thorn.
It's a simple game
that can be played at the dinner table, on a car ride, or before going to bed,
and it reinforces each of the practices that I've talked about today.
Each person takes a turn describing their rose,
a good experience they had today,
their thorn, a mistake they learned from today,
and their bud, an act of kindness that they witnessed or initiated.
This simple game that takes about five minutes
never ceases to shift my family from surviving to thriving.
Here's what's weird: there was a time in my life
when I would seek out stressful situations.
I took a job one summer in college working for a bungee jumping company.
(Laughter)
I had the esteemed job of testing the ropes.
(Laughter)
Every morning, before any customers jumped,
I would fling myself out of a basket 350 feet above the earth,
and hope that my college buddies had secured the lines.
(Laughter)
I think I got paid eight dollars an hour for this prestigious position.
(Laughter)
Today, I don't have to pursue extreme sports to find stress.
Modern living is an extreme sport.
The thought of my inbox on Monday mornings gets my heart racing,
and the locker chandeliers, those put me over the edge.
(Laughter)
My point to you here is this:
we are surrounded by big and little stressors,
and they aren't going away,
but we don't have to embark on major life transformations
to change our lives.
If there's one thing I hope you remember from this talk today,
it is this:
it is the simple practices that lead
to the most significant and sustainable changes.
My life is still crazy, but in the last 10 years
that I've been teaching and practicing mindfulness,
I've learned a few things.
I savor sunsets, blooming flowers,
and those moments when my kids take my hand in theirs.
I look for growth in difficult times, even if I have to cry into a pillow first,
and I take advantage of opportunities for kindness.
It's these simple practices
that shift my survival brain to my thriving brain,
and leave me feeling pretty damn grateful
for my hectic, overwhelming, and imperfect life.
Thank you.
(Applause)