- Thank you so much. I feel the same way about you.
Have a seat. Thanks for being here.
That is the perfect amount of applause,
and any more would be superfluous.
[audience laughter]
That's a word that means "more than enough."
[audience laughter]
Yeah, Portia gave me a "Word of the Day" calendar, so--
[audience laughter]
I like to learn new things.
I'm not just a pretty face.
[audience laughter]
For instance, do you know what a lifehack is?
Does everybody know what a lifehack is?
[audience reacts] Everybody?
Does anybody not know? Good, okay, good, here it is.
It's a tip or a trick that can make your life easier,
and if there's one thing that I'm on this Earth to do,
it's to make your life easier.
So I want to share some lifehacks with you
in case you have not heard of these,
because they're-- they're helpful.
[audience laughter]
Here's the first one. Okay, first of all,
you should always, always keep grapes in your freezer.
Trust me on this. I'll tell you why,
if you don't know this already.
[audience laughter]
So if you're having a party, or if it's just Tuesday,
you want to have a glass of wine,
but that fancy bottle that you bought
from 7-Eleven is not cold. [audience laughter]
You can use grapes instead of ice cubes,
and that way it doesn't water down--
You just put the grapes in, and it doesn't water down the wine.
[cheers and applause]
I learned this from Martha Stewart,
and if Martha Stewart does it, it can't be wrong, right?
[audience laughter]
But that's great--I think it's great for anything,
'cause when you put ice cubes in,
it waters it down, so you put that in your vodka,
your tequila, your-- [audience laughter]
Keep some grapes in your freezer.
Okay, this next one, if you're on a plane,
or anywhere, really,
and you want to watch something on your phone.
You know, people send you videos,
or even if you want to watch a movie
or something on a plane,
but you don't want to hold your arm up for that long,
because you haven't worked out.
[audience laughter]
You take your glasses,
and you put your glasses down like that,
and then you put your phone down like that,
and it's-- [cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause]
I know! [cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause]
Now listen, if you need glasses to see it, I can't help you,
because-- [audience laughter]
Or put your sunglasses down and use your glasses.
Okay, this next one is--
How many of you lose your corkscrew all the time?
Or your corkscrew breaks because the corkscrew thing wears out,
'cause you drink constantly? [audience laughter]
Here's what you do: you take...
A screw and a screwdriver,
and you screw it-- so you have to have this,
so maybe-- [audience laughter]
You do have to have a screw and a screwdriver, but--
You screw it in, and then you take a fork,
and all you do...
[audience murmuring]
[audience laughter]
Come here, tWitch.
[audience laughter]
I've already bent the fork. - Right.
All right, do you think it's the other way?
- I think it's the other way. - All right.
[audience laughter]
- It's fine, it's just the--
Just give me a second.
- You're gonna-- - No, I got it, I got it.
- No. - I got it, see?
- No, you're putting it-- - Life is hacked.
- You're putting it into your skin.
Oh, wow. [cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause]
- Life is hacked. - All right.
Thank you. Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
All right, so, you have to live with tWitch, but still.
[audience laughter]
Nothing wrong with that. Okay.
And here's-- this is the last hack.
This is--if you have toilet paper rolls,
which are handy for all kinds of things,
People use them to keep-- like, you organize your cords,
and put your cords in there.
You can keep your rolls of wrapping paper from un--
See? I'm helping. [audience laughter]
So here's my favorite use for that.
So if you want to listen to music,
but you don't have any speakers, what you do is,
[plays music on phone]
[music is amplified] [audience reacts]
[cheers and applause]
And then you dance!