How great would it be if after one conversation
you knew the person you were talking to we describe you as someone who gets it,
someone who understands them, someone who's trustworthy,
someone who they would be open to doing business with, someone who they like?
All these attributes are so important for meeting in talking to people that we
all would like to garner, today I'm to teach you how.
I'm Barron Cruz and this is the Charisma Matrix.
Whoooosh (Sound)
Advance communicators are always very aware of what the other person is
feeling.
they want them to feel understood it's a yearning that everyone has whether
you're talking to your spouse or your work
we want to be understood but it's very challenging to make other people feel
understood
because a lot of the intuitions that we have as humans
goes to make people feel not understood were quick to
impose our thoughts and judgments were quick to interject before it's our time
to speak
were quick to formulate our next thought as opposed to actually listening to what
they're doing
so might take it one step further and this is an advanced topics if you're
just getting into
social interaction and influence and things like this
you may want to put this on the back burner until you have the basics covered
but what I'm gonna talk about today is communicating
addressing and talking to what the other person is feeling
as opposed to what they're saying so people are formulating a message and
they're communicating with you in there talking
there's two different things that you can pay attention to you're talking to
what they want to communicate and what they're trying to communicate
and what their actually communicating by adding in
what they're thinking and what they're feeling you see it's impossible to
manage all your cell communications your micro expressions on your face your soul
totality
yourself ships and body language I contact in only
add these things into the picture of what they're trying to communicate
were able to get a very good feel for what they are actually saying and what
they're feeling
and this is gonna allow us to the next level typeof
interactions because we're going to truly understand them
not just what they're trying to communicate which is what most people
or focusing on with upper surface level interaction
so let me give you an example looks let's walk into situations to see your
work and you're talking with your boss and it's Monday
and you say hey Bill how was your weekend and he says
are you know it was it likes them mobile builder
so bill says are you know is a good weekend United my kids at the park in
sues actually slipped up on a bike a little bit and I'll spill but I
you know like kids are we when actually get some ice cream and wrapped up early
Sunday night feeling good
alright so how are most people gonna react to that
they're gonna say ok cool sounds like a good weekend I had a good weekend too
ASEAN meeting right it no problem with that right that's
ninety-five percent of people that would the typical what did you want me to do
Beach said he had a nice weekend the obviously didn't make any I'm
very I dramatic statement like you wanted me to hang around and talk you
know he kept candlelight so obviously just wanted to our
want a quick response and get on with his day well that's that's that's
amateur hour
if you really wanna be a master communication you gotta know what he's
feeling
so let's look at all the different components that we can
add into that picture to get a really good grasp of what he was thinking and
feeling at that time
so when he saying that the first thing that's coming to my mind
is he brought up his children he sped 30 to 40 percent the time talking about her
falling off her bike and skin your knee
quickly tried to cover it up with all you know how kids are
and then ended it was something trying to change the subject so I see him
covering up a very hot button issue
but its nobody wants to be around someone that brings up
negativity so he knows if you were to say no actually went out to end
Susie Skinner the and you know is
tough situation arose blah blah up people know nobody wants to hear that
but people want to feel hurt and you understood and that was something stress
one's mind it's something we're talking about
so the way I'm looking at this as I'm seeing parents are obsessed with their
children right
when something goes wrong it's an incredibly stressful a bet right
I know that I know we spent a lot of time talking about her I also know
the change the subject quickly oftentimes inferring that caught
themselves going too far in something
that they may be thought it was appropriate to talk about so what am I
gonna do
I'm gonna say oh yeah you know is she okay ownership league or school today it
sounds like a
but cover-up I don't become a dramatic for Kids in the Hall of their bikes at
that age
and the bill comes back and says yeah you know it actually I'm it wasn't that
bad she had to get stitches are she's she's back in school we provide our
flyer bandage on it she should be okay
okay cool so he brought that up piece they can all you know barren actually
don't use listening to me he's gonna be a somewhat understood
arm is gonna feel like you're just every other guy and he responded with oh cool
glad you had a good weekend
but now let's take it one step further so now he's giving us even more
information
he saying we put a butterfly bandage on it but it didn't need stitches so now we
hope this was not something that was just a surface low
scratch right services to have a little tiny scavenge like something somewhat
serious
so now we can infer but he's probably been worried about the sense that happen
is probably still on his mind
so we're gonna show empathy by saying it's something
even even more engaging I guess in what he was feeling now is communicating
what he was feeling so you're gonna say arm and that sounds terrible I know
there's apparently you're
kids for like that I can be very stressful are you doing math are you
doing today and they're
back is the empathy statement that's what's going to create that power cuz
now you're showing you
understood he was communicating in a very deep level
and you're concerned about him and you're not just concerned about the
daughter
you're concerned about how it's affecting him so this is very
two levels up so now he's gonna feel like bear not only was listening to me
understand rest communicate talking about that
but he's actually worried about how I feel
he's gonna be all completely understood he's gonna be like you took the time
like you care
and you do you know that thing is these are just superficial tactics to get
people to feel
report with you you're gonna feel great about this is making people feel
understood
there was beer neurons you're going to get a boost SIM at its gonna increase
the quality both your days
and he's gonna feel like any time in the future he needs someone to go to
was something more serious you know he's gonna come to you
this is a great example away a lot of people ask me
how they can get past those surface level interactions that everyone likes
to stick to in the workplace
because a comparable to say personal risk like Gary
Chi if you're one interaction with someone like this and you can do the
embassy statement like
man I know was a pair of stressful I can be when your kid gets her how are you
doing me hanging in there
one conversation that gets to that level that you chose to take to that level
by speaking to the way the person is feeling as opposed to what they're
saying
is gonna blow that out of the water and will likely you're never gonna be
communicating in a surface
sheik you level with that person again so pick up
all the different extrapolations is this if you're a guy
and you're talking to a girl you like use this tactic to make her feel
understood it's gonna create that report
is gonna create that warped it's always good to have another person
up try this out even but if you really want to take this to up
a crazy level like I like to just to see %uh parking go
tries at the grocery store so I actually have communication like this all times a
year at the cursory check it out it's
nine in the morning on Saturday in there some person there's tweezers all
so what I'm jus open today sale seven o'clock
okay so where the communicating 7 o'clock something
is not happy not pleasing about that so likely they had to come on at seven
o'clock
to use a quick 7 o'clock to be on that early
and they say yeah it's a long night last night
and you should be nice like dark and you say he say there's a new love bar
restaurant some sushi place is abuzz over your comp I lost my man I heard it
was a great time
and they say you know we we actually were there was the first night open it
was a great time but man it was a late night that sake was flowin
so people just open up at this point and this isn't as deep a statement as
empathy you know that's a tall man you know
you can I guess you could comment on how tough it is to be at work when your
hungover
but this is just to see how you can get people to open up
and blow past those superficial kind of a
interactions that people tend to have because what's considered polite
socially
and get to real meat meaningful conversation
that's going to create a memorable affected their mind do you think about a
conversation with the grocery store clerk
next time I come in there I can remember me the Media Lab in shock about what
we're talking about one word
is the Akamai last night the collapse they remember that stuff and being
memorable
is is an attribute that nice to live where
to help in whatever ways that cure charisma does as well
to think about the different ways you can use this tried out immediately get
to the deepest statement
make the person feel the most understood that you possibly can
by communicating it with what they're feeling
add that as a color don't look black and white what they're trying to communicate
look at what they are communicating to the feeling to nonverbal and what
they're trying to communicate