Think men care about sex more than anything else in the world? Think again. In this video
I’ll reveal the three things that men want MORE than sex, and how you can make these
dreams a reality.
Hi, I’m Amy North, author of The Devotion System and Text Chemistry. It’s my mission
to offer simple, dating advice that you can actually use. If you could use a little help
navigating the complex world of modern dating, hit that subscribe button right now, and while
you’re at it, please like this video as well. It really helps me out.
So it’s become a pretty popular cliche that men are ONLY interested in sex and nothing
else. But, truthfully, there are three things that men want even MORE than they want sex,
and I’m not one to beat around the bush so let’s just get straight into it. Men
want to be desired, they want to be in control, and they want to feel supported.
These three things are the bedrock of any successful relationship. Chances are you’re
already providing all three, but if you want to maximize his happiness, and yours, you
need to pay attention to HOW you’re fulfilling these needs so that you can make them a priority.
Let’s start with desire.
Unfortunately, this is one that many women get wrong. This is because men and women experience
desire differently. And the way we show our partner desire is often more in line with
what WE WANT than what THEY WANT.
What I mean is that if your way of showing desire is to be emotionally available, curious
about his inner thoughts, and present in the relationship, you might need to rethink your
approach. The truth is, men don’t respond to this the way we want them to because men
aren’t wired in quite the same way women are.
This is where the golden rule gets us into trouble. Instead of treating him how you want
to be treated, you’ve got to treat him how HE wants to be treated.
The good news is that, like women, men often treat their partners the way they want to
be treated. And how is it that most men show their desire? That’s right, it’s PHYSICAL.
Either through compliments, physical touch, or sexual advances.
In order to make him feel desired, you’ll need to use all three. So try harder with
your compliments. Instead of just blurting out whatever comes to mind, really sit and
watch him when you get the chance. Try to pick out what exactly it is that attracts
you to him and then let him know.
In this case, the physical is the most important but a well-placed compliment about his mind
or his personality is always welcome. Don’t overdo compliments or they’ll get old fast.
Always use them carefully and deliberately. Take notice of the compliments your guy seems
to enjoy the most. Often guys will deflect compliments or change the subject but you
can still see when one really hits home.
Next, let’s talk about physical touch and initiating sex. This is something that many
women don’t even consider doing and it’s hurting their ability to make men feel desired.
The reasons behind this aren’t completely understood. Some scientists believe that women
are hardwired to be more receptive whereas men are wired to be proactive when it comes
to their desire. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
In fact, a recent study from the University of California found that 72% of men want women
to initiate sex more often.
Some of you don’t even know how to go about doing this because you’ve never really had
to, but it can completely transform your relationship if you’re willing to take the plunge. Here
are some simple tips for initiating sex with your partner:
First, address the awkwardness. It’s normal to be nervous in a situation like this but
don’t let it scare you off. In fact, if you’re up front that you’re nervous trying
to initiate sex, this can actually be charming.
Second, use your hands. Touch his body in a way that’s more forward than you may be
used to. Men respond to touch, pressure and excitement. Don’t hold back and don’t
be afraid to skip a few steps in the foreplay so that YOU’RE the one running the show.
At a certain point, he’s going to take the hint and probably take over but by then the
point will be made: you DESIRE him like nothing else in the world.
Third, give him a sexy massage. This is a fantasy for a lot of guys so I know he won’t
be disappointed when your hands wander a little from his back to his front. Take your time
with this one and he’ll be putty in your hands.
Now, let’s move on to the second thing that men want: they want to be in control.
Don’t get this one twisted. I’m not saying that you need to let him dictate every aspect
of the relationship or hold some kind of power over you. I’m just saying that many men
like to feel a sense of control in their lives and that extends to the relationship. So let’s
talk about ways to let him feel like the dominant one that don’t actually require you to give
up any of your own autonomy. Chances are you’re already doing a few of these things on your
own, like letting him drive on a long road trip or letting him decide what movie you
watch.
The real trick here is to let go of any control freak tendencies you might have. Not just
for his sake, but for your own.
Because the need to micromanage every aspect of your life, including other people’s actions,
is not only a fool’s errand, it can be downright destructive to your own mental health and
the relationship. The truth is that there’s so much in life that is outside of our control.
This is something we all struggle with. In an effort to combat this, we often grab control
wherever we can get it and hold on for dear life. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you
that this approach rarely works out the way we want it to. We end up frustrated, exhausted
and overwhelmed by our own powerlessness. Yes, the more tightly we grip things, the
more easily they slip through our fingers.
You don’t have to give up your own agency to make him feel powerful. Think of it like
dancing. Men often lead the dance but we all know if they really had their way, they wouldn’t
be dancing at all. If you can allow him to take the lead more often, it will show him
that you trust him and that trust is going to make him feel more secure, happy and in
control.
So compromise on something you’ve been bugging him about. And try accepting that he knows
best how to run his own life.
Something else I suggest, early on in a relationship, is playing hard to get. One of the many reasons
it works is because it makes him feel like he’s the one in control. If he’s the one
reaching out to you, seeking your attention and asking you out, then he feels like the
leader and not the follower. At the end of the day, you will end up at the same place,
the difference is only in how the two of you will feel about your dynamic.
Another easy way to play into this dynamic is to use this simple phrase: “surprise
me.”
Say this when he asks you what you’d like to do on your date. Say it when he asks you
what you want for dinner. Say this when he asks you what you want to watch that evening.
This is best for low stakes decisions that you don’t really care about but don’t
be afraid to take charge of things that are important to you. In fact, the more you can
equalize the relationship, the more he’s going to take you seriously when you do insist
on something. If you’re always the one in control then he won’t know the difference
between times that you feel strongly and times that you’re just letting your type A personality
run wild.
At the end of the day, if you’re in a relationship where you can’t trust him to take the lead
then I think you need to question either your own control issues, or who you’ve chosen
to be with. Do you really want to spend your life with a guy who you can’t trust to handle
the little things every once in awhile?
A huge part of him feeling in control is making him feel that you NEED him. There’s been
a lot said about the distinction between wanting a guy and needing a guy. Let’s leave that
all aside for now. I’m just talking about showing him how valuable he is to you. He
needs to know that without him, your life wouldn’t be quite the same. Things would
be more difficult, scarier and harder to face. Now, we all know that you’d get through
things on your own just fine, just like you did before he came along, but it’s a nice
thought that is going to be very flattering to any man.
Think of it like roleplaying. At the end of the day, we’re all just playing house with
our partners. That means we can create any relationship we want and, if it’s with the
right person, it can be safe, fulfilling and happy regardless of what others may say about
it.
Now, let’s talk about the final thing that men want more than sex and that’s SUPPORT.
This is the paradox we all face in a relationship. We want freedom and control, but we also want
the love and support of another person. Every relationship is in a constant state of coming
together and pulling apart. So while control is something he craves, support is equally
important to him.
One of the easiest ways to make him feel supported is by taking his side whenever possible. Don’t
play devil’s advocate or take the side of someone else who he’s in conflict with.
This is MOST IMPORTANT when the other person is there in person. Taking someone else’s
side in this kind of situation is a betrayal that can destroy the trust you’ve created
with a guy. But the same goes for behind closed doors. If he’s complaining about something
that happened at work, or getting cut off in traffic, take this opportunity to build
him up, not drag him down. I know you’re only hearing one side of the story but, at
the end of the day, chances are he’s just coming to you to vent about something and
your role in that situation is to support him.
There are obviously situations where you’re going to disagree but your default should
always be to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Another great way to support your man is to be an active listener. Don’t just wait for
your turn to talk. We’re all guilty of this one but if you’re aware of it, you can change
your attitude and really listen to him when he needs you most. Don’t just think about
the words he’s saying. Pay equal attention to what he’s NOT saying, his body language
and how he feels about it. For example, say he tells you that he just found out that a
relative of his died out of nowhere. He says they weren’t that close and that they had
lived a good life, but you can see that he’s crossing his arms and his face has turned
pale. In this situation, you can see that despite what he’s said, he’s really hurting
right now and needs your support.
Many men lack the kind of emotional intelligence to let you know that they need support so
this is going to be something you’ll have to carefully feel out. Don’t push him to
discuss things when he’s not ready. I know you’re doing it out of love but everyone
needs to take things at their own pace. Just make sure that he knows that you’re there
for him and that he can count on you if he needs someone to listen to his thoughts without
judgment.
When words fail you, physical affection is another great way to show him support. A simple
hug, a kiss or a touch on the arm can be enough to get the message across.
And don’t be afraid to check in on your partner every once in awhile and see how he’s
doing. I know you probably talk to him pretty consistently so you have to figure out a way
to let him know that you’re really interested in how he’s feeling, not just looking for
a “good, you?”
There are many other ways to show your support that don’t require a deep conversation.
Once you’ve been with someone awhile, you start to know what makes them happy, whether
it’s a movie night with his friends, a six pack of his favourite beer, or a back rub.
While support is extra important in times of stress or loss, showing him that you have
his back even when things are great, is just as important.
That just about does it for this video. I hope that you’ve learned a little something
about what men want more than sex. The truth is, we all want these things in a relationship,
and often the best way for us to get them is to lead by example. So these tips will
work just as well if you’re dealing with a boyfriend who isn’t meeting your needs.
Thanks for watching and I’ll see you in my next video.