I said if my kid ever told me he wanted to be a comic,
I would go in the other room and get a gun
and I'd walk back in the living room
and just look him in the eyes
and go be funny and fucking end it.
Oh yeah. [crosstalk 00:00:08]
fucking sell out. That kid would be on top of comedy.
Joining us, he'll be headlining Go Bananas in Cincinnati
tomorrow through Saturday gobananascomedy.com,
Sean Patton.
How are you? Hey, welcome back to the show.
Hey, yeah I think last time
I was here you were both going to Cincinnati.
Whoa.
The next day because we had a flight.
We were.
And we both got upgraded and I was shocked by how,
and I don't mean to put your business out there,
how nervous of a flyer you are.
Yeah, [inaudible 00:00:42].
I didn't know that.
I was surprised, surprised. I was surprised.
So surprised. [crosstalk 00:00:47].
Super surprised.
Because I'm a nervous flyer but I hide it well.
Yeah.
I hide it pretty well unless it gets ...
That might have been a particularly rocky ride
or something-
So if it gets rocky at all, you get tense?
I feel like but you-
Look I hold it in pretty good but if it starts going ...
Also depending on my mood. Sometimes I'm ready to die.
If I'm having a bad day on the land,
put me in the sky, see what happens.
I get up there, I go today it's gonna happen.
Bring it on, air bitch.
That was a good week then, because you seemed
pretty nervous. I don't want to die.
I don't want to die that week.
Things are going well this week.
That week I was not into dying.
I don't like that guy though, who in those moments
they'll say there's ... You're safer up here than ...
Shut the fuck [crosstalk 00:01:30].
Stop being negative to make this a positive.
One of them, with a bunch of other random people on it
were driven into a fucking building, so shit happens.
Yeah. Sometimes that fucking plane does go down
and then you can't find that guy to be like hey.
Isn't it funny what you put on it though?
Like the city also, you're like the one that's gonna go ...
Forget even terrorism.
Let's just talk the thing, the big national story,
you're like it's never gonna be going from Greensboro,
South Carolina-
It is though.
To like ... In your mind, it's not going to be,
but exactly. It's Malaysian flight whatever.
Just a random flight that you just fucking ...
That guy who's not afraid of flying and talks about it,
I hope that person is in a plane crash
and everyone survives except him.
Isn't that an Alanis Morissette lyric?
No, that's-
Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?
One of her non ironic, ironic ones.
Non ironic, ironic.
The only ironic part of that song is its existence.
That's the whole thing. It's a whole work.
It actually is-
Thank you, Becky [inaudible 00:02:31].
Thank you. From a straight up grammatical sense,
it is a perfect lesson in irony.
She was attempting to be ironic and failed-
Do you think she was that obtuse with the song?
I think that's probably how dumb
a lot of the record execs are too.
They don't know what irony actually ...
They're like this is great, this is smart-
I love it. She's an angel.
People are gonna learn. People are learning.
People are learning about irony.
We're learning about platinum albums,
because she's making them.
Jagged Little Pill [crosstalk 00:02:56].
Here's a spoon. He goes, isn't that ironic?
I need a knife.
He goes, I just met the guy of my dreams
and his beautiful wife.
That's his wife.
Are you gay? Yes.
Is that ironic?
Don't you think? It's like rain ...
I'm trying to think about the lyrics.
Why would I get in this cab? I'm already late.
My plane's crashing. I go isn't that nice?
I've been afraid to do this.
We were talking before the break,
before you came in about-
Porn?
No. That was yesterday.
I do also hate it when you find a no smoking sign
on your cigarette break.
Just go smoke anywhere else.
Knowing my luck, I'll win the lotto and then die the next day.
Right?
Am I right?
Am I right or am I wrong?
Before the break, we were talking about men
with dual families, with two families.
We were talking about having a shitty father-
You mean like Gambion Bonanno, you belong to both-
No, not crime families. Actual platonic-
Having a shitty father like me and Dan and Isabella over here.
I think you've seen the recipient
of the second generation award.
You've seen what my work has done there.
There it is.
We're talking about if you have shitty dad, you want to be-
Like you have step siblings, is that what you're saying?
No. I'm saying you want to be a better ...
If you were to have a kid ... Luis was an example of that.
Luis J. Gomez, great father. Really tough.
Had a dad that got murdered, was not in his life
and then he's a great dad. We were saying how fucked up-
He's at least a living dad.
He's a living dad. He's alive.
My thought was, I think what would fuck me up
psychologically more than having a dead dad would be having a dad
that's alive with another family and hiding it from you,
like living with you at your house
and with your mom and then goes and has another family.
Like Lifetime movie-
There's a character on Billions, dollar bill, that has that.
My dad dd do that ...
Your dad went out and was a single swanky swinger.
Dude, he fucking was an indoor cat
and they let him outside and he did not come home.
[crosstalk 00:05:01] I'm an outdoor cat now.
Dan's dad, he wore sunglasses at night for sure.
My dad definitely had ... I remember-
Is your dad still alive, do you know?
No. My dad died when I was 14.
Oh shit.
Yeah. He went out.
Him and Luis's dad killed each other.
Yeah, in a duel. It was pretty-
Of age, or another STD or-
I wish. Not far.
Hep C that turned into cirrhosis.
Really?
That eventually became AIDS posthumously.
He got Hep C from [crosstalk 00:05:27].
His ashes got AIDS.
I hope he got the Hep C from a dirty tattoo needle
where he was getting his other family's name tattooed.
Dude, that would've been great.
He's getting Skip, his favorite son.
His other son that I don't know about.
That's where he got the Hep C. [crosstalk 00:05:46].
It's actually Marquis and that is your brother.
He is actually a D1 prospect.
On some level, that would be ironic, dying from that tattoo.
Isn't it ironic?
He got it, I think banging some piece of fucking lake trash.
Which lake? Lake Tahoe?
Clear Lake in northern California-
Ironically title Clear Lake is where he got some
[crosstalk 00:06:12].
Murky as fuck.
He fucked a wide mouthed bass.
My dad was into fish. He was like Troy McClure.
My dad had the Troy McClure sexual fetish.
Dan's dad used to go
[okie 00:06:25] noodling his dick.
He goes do you want to go-
Got a catfish? Hang on. Hang on.
Arms up. I feel it. Yo, there he is.
He goes you want to go to the fish market
and just look around?
I like the idea of your dad banging a rainbow trout
to a Phish album.
I'm gonna make this last the whole solo.
Have you ever had tantric Phish sex?
You fuck as long as they jam.
Rainbow trout and I ain't gay. I ain't no gay fish. Bestiality-
What's crazy is that my dad got
Hep C from this lady and it killed him
but it also killed his sister
because she was a nurse, my aunt.
She came to take care of him and he threw up blood
and it got in her eye, and she got Hep C.
Jesus Christ. Oh my god.
Then last Thanksgiving, when I'm at my grandma's-
That's back when Dan's dad was dating hepatitis
Cheryl.
Hep Cheryl.
That sounds like a bad scene in Oz.
[crosstalk 00:07:19].
What's your name? He goes my name's AIDS Jay.
What are you in for?
Gonorrhea Gary.
What are you in for? A lot of bloody stuff.
A lot of-
I bleed a lot so I leave a lot of evidence behind.
I also finger paint with my blood.
It's a whole thing. This is fucked up-
Anyway, I usually cover myself in my own semen or whatever.
This is fucked up but it made me laugh.
I always play cards with my grandma when I see her,
and there's no TV in that room,
but college football is always on because it's Thanksgiving.
So I'll keep the TV on to listen
to what college football game is going on.
My grandma and I are playing cards
and it's like I cured my hepatitis C in 14 days,
and I'm like hey, nana.
Trying to distract her. Over here.
Both of her kids got taken out by this disease
that this commercial is just talking shit about,
where it's like I cured it Scott free in a week.
My grandma's like gin.
Every time I hear it, it gives me warm fuzzies all over again.
You are a fantastic grandson.
Thanks man. You really are.
Wait. What do you mean?
Every year, at least once-
Plays cards with the grandma.
I go out-
He goes out there and spends like a weekend there.
Yeah, but I'm all she has.
In Colorado?
No. In northern San Francisco, Lake County-
He really does what he's just saying.
He's sitting there, playing gin rummy.
Did you say Lake County?
Lake County.
Get away from the lake man.
My grandma lives on the lake.
Move her out of there.
She likes it.
All of her old friends are there and they're all dying.
[crosstalk 00:08:47].
Is she still fucking hepatitis Carl?
I go Hep Emmett. You have an old man.
Hepatitis Emmett comes around every once in awhile.
Oh my Herman.
Are there other hepatitises
of the other 25 letters of the alphabet?
There's A and B. There is A and B?
A you get from eating shit or you can get it from food.
I thought B, you can also get from eating shit-
B, B, B, go Bayside. B, B, B.
C is the dead.
C gets you but now they can cure it.
My dad died of it in '97 and my aunt died of it in '07,
and she extended her life.
She was boozing. Aunt Karen could rip it.
Would you travel back in time with the cure to cure your dad,
or would you let him go?
That's a good question.
Did you have any love for your father at all?
Yeah. I would cure it.
Just to talk shit. So I could fight him.
Just fight him.
Like a boy named Sue. Gary, I'm gonna cure you
and then I'm gonna kick the shit out you.
That's a great fucking country song right there.
How do you do?
My name is hepatitis Dan.
How do you do? I would go back and save him.
Spell Sue with a C and and umlaut on top.
I would definitely save my aunt.
Sue, [crosstalk 00:10:06].
If I had to go pick ...
If you made me choose my aunt or my dad,
that would be tougher.
This is a great- Sophie's choice.
Version of this song.
I went and traveled back in time with the cure
for Hep C, found my dad-
Found my dad drinking at a bar.
It was the bowling alley I worked at.
I walked in, I said-
I said hey dad, I missed you. He said it's 5:00 somewhere.
He said I'm at Margaritaville, who are you?
What's your name?
It's the big headed kid I had with the mean bitch.
[inaudible 00:10:42].
Big headed kid.
I noticed you're staring down at my-
The bitch I thought was a big mouth bass.
I thought she was a fish. Turns out she was Irish.
I bet your looking down at my quarter length socks
into some slides but ...
Dude, my dad didn't wear socks.
At all.
No. My dad wore boat shoes
and fucking corduroy shorts with no underwear.
I love boat shoes. It's great. [crosstalk 00:11:07].
My dad dressed for cirrhosis.
They say dress for the disease you want.
My dad dressed ...
I wear a lot of scarves on my head prepping for cancer.
I go around jaunt in sweatpants for an AIDS day.
A lot of jackets, I'm dressing for scurvy.
Get some lime.
My dad didn't wear socks and no underwear.
I believe it. Were his feet ripe?
No. He had like tough islander feet.
They don't smell anymore because they don't sweat
[crosstalk 00:11:44]. He burned all the sweat glands.
Also he's just drinking enough alcohol
to sterilize anything on his body.
I'm surprised my dad didn't-
Your dad sweats iodine.
I'm so surprised it didn't cure the Hep C the second
it touched his fucking alcohol rich bloodstream.
Just catches on fire.
Hep C, you say? I'll knock that out by tonight.
Yeah.
Sometimes I get it when I'm bored.
I just watch it-
To have something to do.
I heal like Wolverine.
I go out there, give myself lockjaw just for fun.
Just do it.
What's your dad's name? Dean?
Gary. That's why we're sons of Gary.
He has a shitty dad named Gary too.
That's why we're so close.
My dad's name is Tim. He's pretty cool.
Tim does sound like a good dad name.
Tim's a good dad name-
Tim Patton?
Tim Patton. Good guy.
Tim Patton and his kids are coming over.
I'd be like I fucking love Tim.
Were either of you guys doing moon tower
that year that they gave everyone flesh lights?
Yeah.
I wasn't there that year.
I was there that year. You were.
Everybody pretended like they didn't
go immediately to their room and use it.
I was very open about it.
Everyone pretended, like no I didn't.
00:12:48].
I was embarrassed that I didn't finish in it.
I think I've owned two. I think I've owned two.
I've never utilized either.
I felt like a serial killer.
I bet.
You see the rubber moving. You're like what is this?
Is this an organ? Is this a dead person's organ?
It's fucking weird.
Which mount did you use?
What do you mean?
They had the vaginal opening,
the anal opening and then just the slit.
I didn't know that.
I just opened the top like a thermos and it was there.
You must have not got the deluxe.
I didn't get the deluxe. Damn dude.
That's when you're a headliner at moon tower.
Then every-
I was also at the Radisson. Did all the Radisson people get-
I was at the Radisson.
It's like a Rambo knife.
Oh my god, there's a compass on the bottom.
There's a whole sewing kit, tweezers.
You can stitch up a wound-
There's a corkscrew in there. You can open-
There's one single match.
A blue tip though. You can light it on anything.
Strike anywhere.
They recommend you open a bottle of wine with it,
while using it.
Don't you understand, this dildo is the best?
Everyone just left them in the hotel rooms?
It can fuck things that make a Billy goat.
I know because I trained it.
Colonel [Troutman 00:13:57].
I gave a good job in amateur porn.
Of course, you know that knife. That dildo is built by the best.
Was that Stallone you just did?
That was his Rambo.
Particularly my Rambo.
It's Stallone in the key of Rambo.
Key of. Can't even get a job parking the fucking cars.
I still have never seen the first Rambo.
You've never seen First Blood?
I know. I've only seen the one where he's in the jungle.
No.
We had one of the most fun ... Best one is First Blood-
First Blood is easily the best one.
Don't blow it yet.
We just do a fun thing on the [crosstalk
00:14:34].
Joe DeRosa has a very interesting take on
First Blood.
That's a little preview for the lost at sea tapes,
that we recorded on the Impractical Jokers cruise.
Were you guys both there?
Yeah.
Just living ... Do you want to talk about it?
We have a bunch of episodes that we recorded on the boat.
Fun hang though.
DeRosa was there?
Fun hang.
He didn't jump off?
We thought he might have Saturday night.
I thought last night he was gonna go for it.
He was sad. He was sad drunk and he's like everyone's mad at me-
He drunkenly thought everyone was mad at him
at different times.
Then you'd be like I don't think it's that big of a deal
and he'd go what did I do, man?
Why me? Why always me? I'm like it's fine.
I don't think it's that big of a deal.
He goes what did I do, man?
Then he'd always come back 15 minutes later
and go they said they were joking, they weren't mad at me.
Then every time you talked to Nate or I,
it was like do you want to play craps or go get ice cream?
Yeah, we lived on craps and ice cream.
I heard this story about him at Edinburgh a few years ago-
Nate?
No, about DeRosa,
that his roommates kept putting dead bees in his room
just to hear him freak out.
That's really funny. Who were his roommates?
Ari was one of them.
Ari is the one who told me this story
and then I forgot the other, two Brits I think-
Just some Scottish guy.
They had-
This guy, a soft bodied man loses his shit hearing
a dead bee in his bed.
He can't handle a wasp. Let's find one of those.
Damn near throws his glasses at it.
You can literally hear a man's head explode.
Come here [crosstalk 00:16:04].
Bees.
No bees.
Bees.
It's great.
You want to see a man fly through the roof?
Like a bee himself.
Hey. You should leave a comment below.
One of us might be in a depression spiral and read it.
Oh.
It might just push us all the way down.
Yeah. Yeah. I can get pretty dark.
It's weird. I look forward to reading it.