FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW YOU KNOW I'M A BIT OF A TECH
GEEK, I DON'T WANT TO BRAG AM BUT MY CAR HAS BOTH AM
AND FM.
THAT'S WHY I'M SO EXCITED TO LAUNCH MY BRAND-NEW GADGET
CELEBRATING SEGMENT TONIGHT.
WE'RE GOING TO CALL IT TECH TALK.
AND WE PLAN AN OPENING GRAPHIC WITH SOME AMAZING 3D
LIKE NANOBOTTS EXPLODING OFF THE SCREEN AND THEN FORMING
THE WORDS TECH TALK AND THEN THE TECH TALK THAN O BOTTS
EXPLODE AND BECOME TINY NANOBOTTS WHICH FORM MY FACE
THAT FORM THE WORDS TECH TALK.
LIKE NOTHING ANYBODY WOULD EVER SEE AND THEY NEVER WILL
BECAUSE WE THOUGHT OF IT AT 12:00 TODAY AND THERE WAS NO
TIME TO MAKE IT.
SO INSTEAD THIS IS TRUE, I LOOKED AROUND MY OFFICE AND
I NOTICED THAT I OWN A DIDGERIDOO-- DIDGERIDOO.
SO WE DECIDED TO CALL IT DIGITAL DOO.
IT'S A RICH AND PERSONAL INSTRUMENT.
FIRST UP, ON DIGITAL DOO, WEARABLE TECHNOLOGY.
NOT I DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT MY GOOGLE GLASS, MY
APPLE WATCH AND TWO NINTENDO POWER GLOVES.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MIGHT BE ATTACKED BY AN
8-BILL MIKE TYSON.
SO I'M ALWAYSING FOR NEW WAYS TO PUT COMPUTERS ON MY
BODY.
WHICH IS WHY MY WIFI WAS ON FULL BARS WHEN I HEARD THAT
GOOGLE AN LEVIES ARE NOW COLLABORATING TO MAKE
SMARTPANTS.
ABOUT TIME, MY OLD DUMB PANTS CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER MY
WASTE SIZE.
IT'S 32 YOU IDIOT.
YOU'RE STRANGLING ME.
(LAUGHTER) I CAN'T FEEL MY BUTT.
APPARENTLY GOOGLE IS DEVELOPING A NEW DIGITAL
TYPE OF FABRIC THAT YOU CAN TOUCH AND IT CAN FEEL IT AND
IT ALSO BLUETOOTHS YOUR PHONE.
SO NOW YOU CAN SWIPE THE SIDE OF YOUR JEANS TO MUTE
YOUR PHONE, EVEN TAP THE FABRIC FOR PLAYING ANY SONG.
WHICH MEANS PRETTY SOON ALL YOUR CALLS CAN BE BUTT
DIALS.
AND THANKS TO THE NEW GOOGLE SMARTPANTS, YOU WON'T HAVE
TO REACH ALL THE WAY TO YOUR POCKET TO USE YOUR PHONE.
YOU COULD JUST SWIPE THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR POCKET,
FITTING SEVERAL PRECIOUS SECONDS PER DAY.
AND THAT'S TIME YOU COULD SPEND EXPLAINING TO THE
POLICE WHY YOU ARE RUBBING YOUR CROTCH IN PUBLIC.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
NEXT UP ON DIGITAL DOO, IT MIGHT BE HARD TO BELIEVE BUT
I'M OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE CHILDREN, THAT I KNOW OF.
(LAUGHTER) AND ANY PARENT WILL TELL YOU
THAT TEENAGERS THESE DAYS ARE MASTERS OF TECH.
BUT THERE IS A NEW TECHNOLOGY THAT WILL HELP
PARENTS MASTER THE TEEN.
>> A NEW LINE OF CARS COULD PLAY TATTLE TALE ON TEEN
DRIVERS.
GENERAL MOTORS WILL INSTALL AN OPTIONAL SYSTEM IN SOME
2016 CHEVY MALIBU MODELS THAT WILL COMPILE IN TOUCH
SCREEN REPORT CARD FOR PARENTS.
IT KEEPS TRACK OF HOW FAR YOUR TEEN DROVE AND THEIR
TOP SPEED.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
SOON GM CARS WILL HAVE A NEW WAY TO LET PARENTS KNOW HOW
THEIR TEENS ARE DRIVING.
AND IT'S MUCH SAFER THAN THE OLD WAY, TEXTING YOUR TEEN
WHILE THEY'RE DRIVING.
THE TECHNOLOGY IS CALLED TEEN DRIVER.
IT'S AVAILABLE ONLY IN THE 2016 CHEVY MALIBU AND
PARENTS, IT'S FULLY SCALEABLE TO YOUR EXACT
INABILITY TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.
FOR INSTANCE, IT CAN SOUND AN ALERT WHEN TEENS DRIVE
FASTER THAN A SPEED LIMIT PREDETERMINED BY THE
PARENTS.
AS FOR WHAT THAT SOUND ALERT SHOULD BE, I RECOMMEND A
PRAYERIE HOME COMPANION.
BECAUSE IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR A TEEN TO JOYRIDE WHILE
LISTENING TO AN ELDERLY MAN REMINISCE ABOUT RHUBARB PIE.
AND THE SYSTEM AUTOMATICALLY COMPILES DATA ON HOW MANY
TIMES TEEN PASS THOSE LIMITS AND MAKES THAT DATA
ACCESSIBLE TO ANY PARENT WITH A PIN NUMBER.
WHICH IS A GREAT SECURITY FEATURE AFTER YOUR TEEN
TEACHES YOU HOW TO USE IT.
TEEN DRIVER ALSO PREVENTS KIDS FROM BUMPING THEIR JAMS
BY DISABLING THE VEHICLE'S AUDIO SYSTEM WHEN THE DRIVER
AND FRONT PASSENGERS AREN'T BUCKLED.
THOUGH ONCE YOU ARE BUCKLED, THE MUSIC'S BAGGING.
BUT YOU'RE STILL IN A CHEVY MALIBU.
IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET SO COOL.
NEXT UP, (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
SELFIES.
THEY'RE FUN.
THEY BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER AND THEY ELIMINATE THE
AWKWARDNESS OF HAVING TO ASK YOUR ROOMMATE TO TAKE A
PICTURE OF YOUR JUNK.
BUT SOME OF THE MOST POPULAR TYPES OF SELFIES ARE PEOPLE
DOING SOMETHING DANGEROUS LIKE POSING WITH BEARS OR
RUNNING WITH BULLS.
AND AS FUN AS THAT LOOKS, NOT ALL THOSE PHOTOS END
WELL.
FOR EXAMPLE, TWO MEN DIED IN RUSSIA WHILE TAKING A SELFIE
HOLDING A HAND GRENADE WITH THE PIN PULLED.
THE MOBILE PHONE WITH THE SELFIE SURVIVED AS A RECORD.
SO FIRST OF ALL THAT'S A TRAGEDY.
SECOND OF ALL, WHAT KIND OF PHONE CASE WERE THEY USING?
BECAUSE IT MUST BE PRETTY GOOD.
NOW SURE, THE GRENADE PROBABLY HOLDS SOME OF THE
RESPONSIBILITY HERE.
BUT LET'S NOT LOSE SIGHT OF ONE CLEAR FACT.
SELFIES ARE KILLING PEOPLE.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO PANIC YOU.
>> I WILL LEAVE THAT TO THE NEWS.
>> DEATH BY SELFIE.
>> A DISTURBING TREND HERE, SELFIES KILLING PEOPLE.
THEY KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN SHARKS OVER A 12 MONTH
PERIOD.
>> THERE HAVE BEEN 12 SELFIE RELATED DEATHS VERSUS 8
REPORTED SHARK FATALLITIES.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT WAS A LOT OF TECHNICAL INFORMATION
TO DIGEST.
I AM REALLY GLAD THEY MADE THIS CHART.
(LAUGHTER) LET ME WALK YOU
THROUGH-- LET ME WALK YOU THROUGH SOME OF THE DATA.
LET ME CRUNCH IT FOR YOU.
THAT IS THE NUMBER 12.
THAT IS THE NUMBER 8.
AND UP HERE, THAT LINE IS 20.
NOW I JUST WANT TO WARN-- I WANT TO WARN MY VIEWERS OUT
THERE, YOU ARE TAKING TOO MANY SELFIES, DON'T DO IT,
IT'S JUST TOO DANGEROUS.
ALSO STOP GETTING ATTACKED BY SO MANY SHARKS.
IT ISN'T SAFE.
THOUGH IF YOU ARE GETTING ATTACKED BY A SHARK, BY ALL
MEANS, TAKE A SELFIE.
CUZ MAN, YOUR INSTAGRAM IS GOING TO BLOW UP.