Please pause and read before you watch this video:
Do You Base Your Relationships on Compromise or Compatibility?
In today's world,
people operate from two different paradigms in relationship.
Either they base their relationships on the foundation of compromise,
or they base their relationships on the foundation of compatibility.
To compromise is to settle a dispute or conflict
or to reach agreement or alignment by way of mutual concession.
Remember that to concede is to yield, give up
or give away something that you value.
To compromise, by definition,
is to accept something that is lower than is desirable.
In any relationship there will be those times
where you say: "oh I want to eat Mexican food"
and the other person says: "I wanna eat Chinese food",
and you're like: "Okay, we'll go get Chinese food".
This is not genuine uh, compromise.
The reason is is because in that moment
you are not actually giving up anything that's valuable,
you're not accepting something that is less than desirable
and so you are not going to feel pain.
The reason you're not gonna feel pain
is because in that moment you've genuinely decided
that what's more important to you is that the other person feels good,
or what's more important is that you're really hungry,
it doesn't really matter where you go.
These kinds of everyday concessions
do not count for what I'm talking about
basing your relationships on the concept compromise.
When we build the foundation of our relationships on compromise,
we believe in compromise relative to the big things.
The things where we really are giving up something valuable
the the places where we are really conceding
in a way that causes us to feel resentment or pain.
But the problem here is that
when you feel that pain as a result of compromising,
you're not actually gonna to register as a bad thing
because you're gonna register it as
proof of how much you love the other person.
And if you see the other person in pain because of compromising for your sake,
you're gonna feel loved.
You're gonna see that pain as proof that they care about you.
Often, if people are particularly conflict diverse
they will give in and expect others to give in like this
for the sake of maintaining harmony in their relationship.
When you build a relationship on the foundation of
and around the belief in compromise
you believe that while it's great to have compatibility,
love and will power can make most relationships work.
This means that when it comes to the big things
such as what other people might consider serious incompatibilities,
you truly believe that if a person loves you
in order for them to be right and good
they must give in to some degree
and take a little pain for the sake of the relationship
and for the sake of your happiness.
And you expect the same thing from yourself, as well, in reverse.
There's a lot of give and take in your relationships.
You may believe in meeting other people halfway
and you genuinely believe that compromise is necessary
for a healthy partnership.
Rather than having your own singular happiness at heart.
You believe in mutual sacrifice.
Compatibility on the other hand,
is when two things can exist in a state of harmony.
They can be in the same space
and not cause each other pain.
In fact, they can enhance each other's well-being
as they are.
Incompatibility, of course,
is when two things cannot coexist
without that coexistence in the way that it is happening
being a detriment to either or both of them.
I want you to remember that compatibility is not about sameness.
That's a mistake that a lot of people make.
Sameness could imply compatibility,
but it could just as easily imply incompatibility.
Compatibility at its foundation
is about this philosophy
of finding the right arrangement for the people in your life
or putting them in the right place in your life
according to their personal boundaries.
Now, remember that personal boundaries
are whatever defines that person.
Things like feelings, needs, desires...
personality, behavior, personal truth, etc...
According to your own boundaries.
Meaning, your personal truth,
your personal needs,
your personal desires,
your personality,
your behaviors,
your personal truth.
Given those two things,
those two boundaries, shall we call it,
or definitions of self,
how do we arrange these two things?
In what relationship do we put them to each other
so that it is a harmonious one,
instead of a detrimental one?
Compatibility is about agreement and alignment being reached
by finding a win-win scenario for both parties
where neither must give something of value away,
or take pain for the other's sake.
When you believe in compatibility,
you don't believe in giving anything away
that would result in yourself feeling pain or feeling resentment
for anyone else.
What this essentially means is you don't believe in mutual sacrifice.
You don't believe that balance in a relationship
is about meeting halfway,
instead, you believe that loving someone
means making sure they are not in pain.
And them loving you means
making sure that you are not in pain
even if that means you cannot be with a person
in a certain relationship arrangement because of it.
Therefore, you also don't believe
in having your own singular happiness at heart,
but you don't believe in sacrificing your singular happiness
for the sake of another person's happiness, either.
If you are basing your relationships on this foundation of compatibility,
you believe in symbiosis,
not in the concept of give and take.
And you believe that to be good and right as a person
you need to be willing to look directly at incompatibilities
and to find different arrangements that are a win-win
so both parties don't have to sacrifice anything of value to either of them.
When people build the foundation of their relationships
on these different paradigms,
meaning one person builds it on the paradigm of compromise,
the other person builds it on the paradigm of compatibility,
it spells absolute disaster in all kinds of relationships.
I mean disaster between two partners,
disaster between two siblings,
or two other family members,
disaster between colleagues,
disaster between friends,
it's a disaster in any dynamic that you look at.
And this is where this gets kind of funny.
And by funny I mean, like, funny not so funny.
When two people are basing their relationships
on these two different paradigms,
they end up in a very repetitive pattern.
Meaning that no matter what situation it is you're looking at,
if two people are basing their foundations of their relationships
on these two different paradigms
the way that they feel will look the same.
Here's how it's gonna look:
One person is gonna feel like they're in a relationship
with someone who only cares about themselves
because that person expects them to accommodate and sacrifice
and be in pain and oppose their own best interests
for their sake.
And the other person will feel like they are in a relationship
with someone who only cares about themselves.
Because they are totally unwilling to meet them halfway
or concede or have to have it their way
and are willing to end the relationship instead of give a little.
For the sake of enhancing your understanding around this,
I'm gonna give you a concrete example:
Tom and Melissa have been dating for three months
but they have decided
to make this relationship a committed one.
The problem is,
is that Melissa and Tom
both base the foundations of their relationships
in these two different paradigms.
Melissa bases her relationship in compromise,
and Tom bases it in compatibility,
and thus there is trouble in paradise.
Melissa and Tom are having issues
because tom is a flirt with a very rich social life.
At every opportunity,
he meets up with his friends and attends social events.
When he enters the room he is the center of attention
and he's smiling and laughing and chatting everyone up.
He's in full-blown entertainment mode.
Melissa feels she may as well not even exist.
Melissa is much more introverted.
She wants a partner that wants to be with her one-on-one.
She doesn't want Tom to look at much less talk to any other women.
She is happiest when Tom is with her at her home,
with her dog and just having quiet intimate time together.
Because of this,
the resentment and frustration between them is growing.
Tom sees this as a very serious incompatibility.
So he's been doing his very best to come up with a win-win.
He's suggested things like this:
Having two days a week where he is with Melissa at home,
because, after all, he would actually like to do that.
Any more than that, though, and he would start to resent her.
So he isn't willing to do that.
She said no to that.
He's thought about buying her an e-course
to help her get over her social anxiety,
he's thought about every possibility he can
to make her experience when she's out socializing with him,
more of a positive experience for her.
Of course, it hasn't been working.
He's gotten so desperate that he even went to this place of:
"Maybe we should have an open relationship
and you can have a guy who's really introverted too,
who likes to spend time with you at home
so we can still be in a romantic sexual relationship
and be benefiting from each other,
but, I won't have to be home with you,
and you won't have to be out with me".
Of course, Melissa was like:
"No. I would just leave you and be with the other guy, then".
So, we're at a point now
where Tom has decided to tell Melissa
I'm really not sure that we're compatible at all,
and I'm pretty sure we're not meant to be partners in a romantic sense.
Tom feels like Melissa wants him to prove how much he loves her
by choosing to give up what makes him happy
for what makes her happy.
The fact that she would feel pleasure
as a result of him giving up something important to him
makes Tom distrust her
and question whether she is a good woman
or whether she is emotionally dangerous.
Melissa, on the other hand,
cannot believe what she is hearing.
She's pretty convinced that she's waking up to the fact
that she's in a relationship with a narcissist.
After all, he's completely inflexible
and totally unwilling to compromise.
He's a "my way or the highway" kind of guy.
By the way, she's totally convinced
he's never gonna be able to have a real relationship being this way.
Melissa does not understand why it is so hard for Tom
to just meet in the middle.
Her idea is that half of the week
she can put up with him going out
as long as he doesn't flirt with or talk to other women.
And the other half of the week
he can be home with her.
To her this seems like how to meet in the middle
and have a great relationship.
At least, one that's good.
And you know what?
What makes Melissa super furious
is that, unlike Tom
she's made these kinds of concessions
all along the course of their relationship.
For example, she's left her dog at home
and joined him in his social activities
even though she hates doing that,
she's made him food a bunch of times
when she didn't really feel like it, just so that he could feel good,
she didn't see her family on Christmas
because she gave in to going to his parents place, instead.
To her this is feeling like a one-way relationship
where the whole universe revolves around Tom
and where everyone else is expected to concede,
but he never will.
On top of this, Melissa firmly believes
that a good guy definitely doesn't talk to other women
when they're at social gatherings.
Definitely does not flirt,
and certainly doesn't ignore their girlfriend
when they're out on the town.
So, she's completely convinced he needs to heal out of this behavior.
Tom and Melissa are operating out of two completely different
relationship paradigms.
Tom actually has no idea
that Melissa has been compromising so much in the relationship.
He has put his faith in the idea
that if she says "yes" to something,
she actually feels good about it.
So, he doesn't need to do anything else.
it's a win-win when it really hasn't been.
If Tom did know this,
he wouldn't be okay with it.
Because it's not actually what he expects.
And guess what?
Because to Melissa
she's so convinced that it's obvious standard knowledge
that the way to make a relationship work is compromise,
she has no idea
that Tom doesn't even believe in compromise.
She has no idea that he's already made a decision
that he's gonna walk through the world
not giving up anything that's important to him,
not making concessions when it's going to lead to pain,
and so she's likely to continue having this experience with him.
If she knew that he did not believe in compromise,
she'd probably be rethinking their entire relationship.
One thing is for certain,
it is an absolute waste of time
arguing over the specifics of the conflict they are having
around their social lives,
when the real issue is that they don't even operate
from the same relationship paradigm
and therefore are looking in two totally different directions
for the solution.
Tom is looking for some arrangement
where he can stay the way he is
and she can be the way that she is and it's compatible,
and Melissa is looking for a compromise.
In conflicts that have their roots in this dynamic
where one person is basing their relationship
on this concept of compromise
and the other is basing it on the concept of compatibility,
oftentimes, the person who is basing their relationships on compromise
will come across more codependent,
whereas the person who is basing their relationship
on this foundation of compatibility
will come across more narcissistic.
That being said, it's really important
to separate out these relational styles of codependency and narcissism
so we call it,
from this relationship paradigm dynamic
of basing your relationships
on either compromise or compatibility.
One of the big reasons for this need to separate these things out
is because in these relationship dynamics
when they get really difficult,
it can be quite easy to decide that somebody is being codependent
or decide that somebody's being narcissistic,
but it's really not that,
it's that they're operating from this sort of belief pattern
that they hold around relationships.
They may or may not be codependent or narcissistic.
In other words, a person could very well
fit into the pattern of being codependent in their relationship style
or narcissistic in their relationship style
and fit into either of these patterns.
But, also, a person can fit into neither of them
and still adhere to either one of these paradigms.
If you're curious to learn what I think
about compromise and compatibility in relationships
you might wanna watch two of my videos;
The first titled:
Why You Should Never Make Compromises In A Relationship
and the second titled:
Compatibility (A Harsh Reality in Relationships)
If it seems like you're in a relationship,
especially a conflict,
where somebody is basing their relationship
on a totally different paradigm than you are,
what's really important is to stop that conversation
around the specifics of the conflict you are having,
and to switch your focus, attention and conversation
to the fact that you are coming at relationships
from a completely different paradigm.
One of you believes in compromise and the other doesn't,
and so you are pulling in different directions for a solution,
thereby only enhancing the feeling of unworkability
on both sides.
When this happens,
it's time to examine and question your own relationship paradigms
as well as the other person's,
so as to consciously arrive at a relationship paradigm
you can stand for,
of course, hopefully, together.
It is so important to get into
the same relationship paradigm with your partner.
If you don't do this,
all of your conversations,
all of these conflicts are going to end up fruitless.
Because, ultimately,
you have a totally different idea of what you're aiming for.
You're looking for solutions in two drastically different decisions
and in fact,
you're looking for the opposite thing.
That's not gonna go anywhere.
Some of you already know the pain in a relationship
of what it is like to unknowingly fight for two different outcomes.
For this reason,
it is crazy important to recognize what paradigm in relationships
somebody is operating from
when they enter into conflict with you.
That being said,
can you recognize which relationship paradigm you fit into?
Have a good week.
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I wanna thank you personally
for the bravery that you have to step into awareness.
I'll see you in the next video.
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