You know that horrible moment when you realize you fucked up?
Oh fuck.
OH FUCK!
*gasp* ~oh pho~ ~mmmmmmmmmmmmm~
There are two possibilities when you've messed up: you can own it, and apologize.
"Hey, I'm really sorry, I- I had a big overreaction to that, and I got really angry,
and I said some things that totally went over the line..."
"...and I promise I'm gonna evaluate this and do better."
Or, you can do what I used to do all the time:
[distorted] "Well like, WHATEVER!"
I used to be horrible when it came to accepting blame and owning it.
It's something I've been working on for a long time in therapy and I still sometimes have issues with it.
You know, 'cause my father also never accepted blame or could ever be wrong,
and that was my role model for how I should hold myself accountable with other people.
But you know, therapy- parents- breaking patterns- fun.
Even if it's like a misunderstanding, I was awful.
Like in middle school, this guy told me:
"Oh, wow, ah. Your drawings are bad."
"Uh, excuse me sir?"
"I would have you know that I learned how to draw from my best friend Sayaka Yunaha in Okinawa Japan, and I was an /exemplary/ student,
and yes, clearly I still have much to learn, but I would like to see you try and draw better
I don't think you could.
In fact, I think you're a terrible person
Because what kind of human being comes up to another who is
minding her own business and insults her artwork?
Did you know that kind of criticism could completely deter me from pursuing creative endeavors in adulthood?
Your words have meaning, they have impact, and I am at a sensitive time in my adolescent development!"
"nah bro, bad means good"
"it's... slang bro"
[distorted] "WHATEVER"
But now, I realize the importance of genuine accountability in order to ~grow~
I mean, we deflect blame because we think it makes us bad people, right? We get defensive, insecure and scared
But how often when you're in conflict with someone,
would just an apology -- an authentic apology -- fix everything?
Almost every single time, right?
I mean unless you've done something truly horrendous, like murder someone's mother or steal their cat,
any time I fought with someone and they're wrong,
all I want is for them to say sorry and try to do better.
And every time I've been wrong, and I've apologized, like I've immediately felt better,
because we all have this basic understanding that 'Hey, we're human. We're flawed'
'We don't expect anyone to be perfect.'
I will say my reaction time with this has gotten a lot better,
like recently I did a film called 'Go Back to China'
and one of the crew members -- adorably named Saturday -- posted an Instagram story of us saying
*gasps* "Oh my god! What a bitch!"
"Why would he say this about me?! Why would he call me a guy?!
"I know we disagreed about politics on the bus ride from Hong Kong to China,
but it's like I really liked Saturday but not anymore."
"There are no feminine or masculine pronouns in Chinese."
"Oh my god, that's a huge misstep on my part, I totally overreacted.
I should have thought about the language barrier. Like at least he can speak some English
I can't even say a single thing in Chinese other than 'I am a lobster' and 'Are you my real dad?' I'm really sorry."
So the next time you're wrong and you feel flares of defensiveness, insecurity, anger
- whatever you feel when you're wrong that makes you want to deflect or deny blame -
Instead just try apologizing, try honestly looking at what you did wrong, and how you could do better next time
because taking responsibility and being genuinely accountable for your own words and actions
- which are sometimes in the wrong -
will only bring you respect, the opportunity to grow,
and sometimes if you're lucky, a good laugh, because who doesn't love to laugh at their own idiocy?
I'm Anna Akana - stay right here for some super bad drawings.
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