my name is CaZXL formerly known as Big Cass when I was with WWE
I always
dreamed of being a wrestler I always dreamed of being in WWE
that was what I always wanted to do. I was always unsure of myself.
Never 100% confident, but you do start to gain confidence the more success you're
having the more people say you're doing well sold-out the Barclays Center in
2015 crazy crazy ovation when we came out and
I think from there on there that's when I think they W we might have decided
we're gonna have to bring these guys up at some point in the next year two
nights before WrestleMania after the takeover show in Dallas, Hunter came up
to me and Enzo and said hey you guys can you stick around? Really okay
told us that we were gonna debut on Raw that Monday
and like awesome
we went out there everybody knew every word came to the back got a standing
ovation from everybody in gorilla position...off to the races from there.
Being depressed is one thing. Having depression on a daily basis is different...
So anybody that looks at them like they're weak or, you know a crybaby or
whatever that's an that person's ignoran.
Why is this guy upset?
He has money is you know everything he dreamed of since he was a little kid
doing wrestling matches in his bedroom but man that don't **** all when you're
not well here man don't mean anything. It's hard to tell people about it
because who knows what they're gonna say you know you're looking for attention
You have everything you ever wanted you know like you're just being you're just
seeking more attention or whatever it is so you don't tell me you keep it to
yourself dealing with that on a daily basis TVs were the worst for me because
of anxiety I'd always had it and then it kind of ramped up after the debut and
you don't really tell anybody and you kind of hide it deep down which is the
worst thing you can do I had no medication ID no means of talk
theory I had no one to talk to about it didn't seek help for four years self
medicated with alcohol I was in my hotel room and it was just everything was
going crazy just depressed anxiety couldn't fall
asleep went to the bar is trying to drink beers and just couldn't really
fall asleep when I woke up I was like I wish that God would have just taken me
my sleep why am I thinking this I've no idea and I was just so down and I was
like I wish that I wouldn't be alive today
I was like I wish that I would have just not woken up but then I gotta go to work
so I went to work and I had a match against Enzo and tore my ACL I got
emotional I was just a wreck man I was a complete nutter wreck look I didn't know
how to look to God who is God up there what like why would you do this appalled
but it like after what I've been going through I don't know how I'm alive today
just the amount that I was drinking was ridiculous the food I was putting in my
body was ridiculous no physical activity chain smoking cigarettes and like I said
the amount of alcohol I was putting into my body on certain days I don't know how
I don't know how I'm alive right now when you're making mistakes like that
you got to go boy did they had every right in the world to get rid of me
and then I went to do that house of horrors show in Philadelphia at that
point I'm going into the show I hadn't slept in two days two full day and I'll
people say haven't slept in two days and they've slept like an hour here and
there no I literally mean I didn't sleep a second in two days
don't remember walking out through the curtain don't remember going to the
autograph table came to in the ambulance and they told me you had a seizure I was
what the I'm not epileptic I've never had any issues with that I took that as
a sign from God God spoke to me that day he was saying you want to live this life
are you gonna end up dead okay so here's taste this because this is where your
life is heading I could have died that night that's what I was told in the ER I
acted change man this guy walks up to me while I'm signing autographs I don't
know this guy from Adam by the way comes up to me says you're deeply depressed
said I don't know what's going on with you but you're depressed you deeply deep
down and I'm gonna help you out after the
seizure I immediately went to go live with him in Delaware so we're living
clean living healthy positive attitude and he turned my life around
this isn't this is number one every day keeping my mind right I don't value
money like it's not like oh I got to make X amount of dollars by the time I'm
35 or whatever I don't value that I just want to be happy I want to stay happy
everything else is gonna fall into place if I could do all that I know God is
with me I know he's watching over me yeah it's made me value my relationships
with those people that are close to me a lot more yeah I am sitting here right
now I'm telling you that I should be dead with the amount that I drank and
the seizure that I had and I shouldn't be here did anybody out there suffers
with depression anxiety and you're hiding it because there's a stigma out
there that you're weak you're not weak whatever it is you need to go seek help
because whether it's medication or or talk therapy or whatever it is that you
need you need to get it because hiding it deep down it ain't gonna work and
that's what I did for a long time and eventually pop every it's just an
explosion whatever you need to do to fix it make sure you do that because keeping
that bottle deep down it ain't worth it man trust me from someone that lived it
seek help
you