Translator: Bob Prottas Reviewer: Leonardo Silva
So, just recently,
I went out on a Match.com date, and it was fantastic.
We liked the same things, we liked movies at the Angelika,
unknown restaurants, Central Park; he had a job,
(Laughter)
a career, a graduate degree,
and the first date was fabulous.
Soup dumpling, Tsingtao beer,
chemistry flying all over the place.
By the third date, I thought I was off the hook.
I got my hopes up; I was thinking:
"This could be the one.
This is the third date, this could be the one."
(Laughter)
When over an intimate dinner at a sweet Italian bistro,
in the Lower East Side.
I noticed he was sitting further away from me than usual,
and then the question started.
I've been thinking, "How are you going to be a mother?
How are you going to do the duties that are going to be required of you?
And even as a wife, how --
I'm not sure how that's going to work."
And I said: "Well that's simple,
I'm just going to hire someone, like every other New Yorker."
(Laughter)
That was the last time I heard from him.
I tried to convince myself that this was like any other relationship,
but deep down, I knew the reality.
Who wants to date someone in a wheelchair?
Sex is one of the basic drives of humanity.
Sigmund Freud proposed that human organisms are born with drives,
and one of those is sex, and if this drive is not met,
a negative state of tension occurs.
Therefore, dating and relationships rank very high in life's priorities.
But this priority is much, much more complex
for someone with a disability.
So even though I'm the total catch,
(Laughter)
my Match.com guy is multiple times more likely to date than me,
because he doesn't have a physical, visible disability.
Now, this is interesting,
because even though he has a lot more experience under his belt --
you know, notches on the bedpost,
he is probably not going to report a lot of satisfaction in this area.
Now, this is not my opinion, look --
people are not having good sex.
Married people aren't having sex with each other,
and people aren't happy with their relationships.
Now, what if this is because
we are factoring out an entire amazing group
of potential romantic partners,
and that group is people with disabilities?
We are completely left out of the dating picture.
Society, media included, seems to ignore the fact
that we have the same emotional needs, and desires
as everyone else.
Is this injustice
born out of the concept of the poster child,
and his or her duty to induce pity, to raise money?
Or maybe it's the conclusion drawn from mainstream porno,
where we have actors performing like gymnastics stunts,
with the stamina that none of us have,
of bucking broncos, and jackrabbits.
(Laughter)
The silent message:
the more in shape your body, the better the sex.
The unspoken conclusion:
If you have a disability,
you are too sick to have sex.
Now let's look at the continuum in our society
where sexuality is measured.
So, on the one hand,
we have humans that are the ultimate, sex appeal objects.
So on that end, we have Victoria Secret models,
Playboy centerfolds, people like that.
On the complete, opposite end,
we have people with physical disabilities,
and it seems like the more we deviate from this ultimate sex icon,
the more de-sexualized we become,
the more taboo the topic,
and the more damaging the consequences.
Now, for most people there are quick fixes. Right?
We have Hair Club for Men,
Botox, Spanx, butt implants.
(Laughter)
But for people with disabilities there are no quick fixes.
There is no magic pill, and we are hit hard.
We begin dating, and experience our first sexual experience
much, much later than the general population.
We are less likely to get married,
and will report fewer sexual experiences overall,
if any.
When I was at the Miss Wheelchair USA pageant --
because I was the Miss New York, too,
(Applause)
I remember a conversation with a contestant there, and she said:
"You know, like, I don't really get your platform,
(Laughter)
I mean, like, you just have to love yourself,
like, if you just love yourself, and your body, then the rest --
it's so easy to find a date, the rest will come easy."
I'm like: "No."
(Laughter)
No. Society's misconceptions,
and inaccurate assumptions are the largest obstacle that we face
in this area with a disability,
and let me tell you, it is the size of Mount Everest.
Asexual, not able to have sex.
Not able to have good sex.
Can't be a wife, can't be a mother,
weak, infertile, can't be a good father.
I remember on Tinder, a guy asked me,
and of course, this was in his second line of conversation:
"Can you have sex?"
I said: "Can you?"
(Laughter)
I had a patient who was about in her 30s,
and she was in a wheelchair, and identified as a lesbian,
and it was so easy for her to stay in the closet,
because, people didn't even think she was sexual,
never mind a lesbian, like wow, that didn't even --
that would blow their minds.
We take these negative stereotypes, and we internalize them,
because that's what we do, as humans.
If you hear it enough, if we're rejected enough, you believe it,
and I mean, how could I not?
Here I am on my third date, with my witty retorts,
a dress that left very little to the imagination,
and I didn't stand a chance. Why?
Because he could not imagine
how I could do it.
Media also plays a big role here,
in the way people with disabilities are treated in this area.
We're completely left out.
Rarely do you see us in TV commercials, ad campaigns,
anything in the beauty and fashion industry.
The message:
You do not belong here.
Your body is too abnormal, too crooked, too not nice,
and therefore you can't sell our product.
Sex sells,
and you are not sexy.
Now, including people with disabilities into advertising
makes economic sense.
I mean, there's a ton of us, huge,
and we have money, a lot of it,
(Laughter)
and we want to spend it.
If Match.com just used one ad,
with a couple in a wheelchair, one ad, one ad,
they could normalize this topic for millions,
and also,
tap into this very lucrative market.
Now this makes economic sense for you too.
If we open our minds to the fact
that we can include people with disabilities
into our dating pools, we will increase our sex lives,
and improve our romantic relationships.
In my private therapy practice,
I focus on a couple of key concepts that I really want to share.
First, and foremost,
I talk about self-esteem versus dateable self-esteem.
Dateable self-esteem is a term that I came up with
to address the phenomenon that I frequently see
in people with disabilities, and that's the fact that we do love ourselves.
We have fabulous social circles, great careers, and loving families.
But when it comes to our self-esteem, our dateable self-esteem,
it's in the gutter. I mean it takes a hit.
Now let me ask you to look at your levels of dateable self-esteem.
Could they be unfairly influenced
by what others may think of you if your date is on wheels?
Or what if your date's a little to short?
Or what if your date is a little overweight?
Many times, so many times, I hear:
"I've never dated someone in a wheelchair. How does that work?"
Okay, let me put this in perspective; do you ever hear:
"I've never dated someone Asian before. How does that work?"
(Laughter)
Or, "I have never dated someone Catholic before. How does that work?"
So, clearly, I'm not going to give you some magic answer here,
some algorithm I came up with in my private therapy practice.
You just go on the date. You see if there's chemistry.
Do my quirks match with his?
No special attention needs to be paid.
Are we having fun together?
It's that simple.
I also work with my clients on feeling sexy,
and taking the focus off the disability, per se.
One time I asked a client: "So what do you find sexy about yourself?"
And I was expecting a quick answer.
She looked at me, looked down,
thought, thought about it, looked up, and said:
"You know, I don't know.
I've never thought about that before."
So think about it, what do you find sexy about yourself?
Is it something that you truly do find sexy about yourself?
Or is something that you've been told by someone else,
that's sexy about you?
So people with disabilities, it's not that we're not sexy,
it's just that we haven't been told
yet.
And an interesting paradox, a really interesting paradox,
although people with physical disabilities
are often considered to have severe limitations around sex,
we are actually having sexual experiences,
not bound by the constraints of what sex should be.
How about you? How about all those times that you can say:
"Yeah, I've successfully had sex, the way I'm supposed to have sex,"
and you've left feeling completely, and utterly disappointed?
Imagine what it would be like, if you can have sex
outside of the normal experience,
something that never even entered your wildest imaginations.
What we're seeing here is a population, that because our physical situation,
is great at thinking creatively.
(Laughter)
We pay attention to the details,
we strategize, and these are tools that we have developed
because we have learned to navigate a world that's not always meant
for a wheelchair.
I had a client who told me: "You know, we think in millimeters."
How exquisitely intimate would it be,
if we all thought in millimeters, in the bedroom?
What would that orgasm be like if we used an eyelash, a breath,
or the intrigue of a situation, that we never thought could be sexual?
So, not that long ago,
it wasn't cool to be gay,
and before that, it wasn't okay to be black.
Now big is beautiful, interracial dating it's fantastic,
and gay marriage is legal.
Now, it is glamorous to date someone with a physical disability.
Dating and romance have taken on a new tone,
and we are free to create
a great sexual experience,
and free to experience sex with any body.
(Applause)