- Once you go Shaq you never go back,
ain't that right, Martha?
- I've been sitting up here tonight
with all these folks that no one's ever heard of
thinking to myself,
did I just get traded to the Jacksonville Jaguars?
(audience cheering) (jazzy hip hop music)
- Please welcome Peyton Manning.
(audience cheering) (energetic band music)
- Thank you. (audience cheering)
Thank you, thank you.
Thanks.
Thank you. All right, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Sit. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Thank you, David.
For your first roast,
this has gotta be really exciting for you.
Your performance so far
reminds me of my rookie year in the NFL
when I threw a league high 28 interceptions
and had absolutely no clue what I was doing.
(audience laughing)
As we all know, I followed in my father's footsteps.
But David, you forged a path on your own.
I know you wanted to follow in your dad's footsteps
but he snuck out of the house so carefully
he didn't leave any tracks.
- Peyton.
- Peyton Manning bringing it.
He's bringing it.
- But you did it anyway, David.
You went out and got a business degree from Arizona State.
(audience laughing)
Although to be fair,
I think we all know
that a business degree from Arizona State
it's just a bar towel that says "You read good."
(audience laughing)
Speaking of reading,
I recently read Spade's memoir "Almost Interesting".
Actually, I'm lying.
You really think the first book I pick up in 20 years
is gonna be by the guy who played
Dickie Roberts, former child star?
I don't think so.
- What the (bleep)?
No, Peyton.
- By the way, David, that title, "Almost interesting",
talk about false advertising.
Now, if you wanted to be honest you should have called it
"Almost Tall Enough to Ride a Roller Coaster."
(audience laughing)
- I'll take it.
♪ David Spade is dumb and short ♪
- Sorry.
Bad habit, sorry. (audience cheering)
It's just a habit, it's a bad habit, I'm sorry.
Wow, I just realized
that I am not the only athlete up here tonight.
As you all know earlier this year
Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby.
(audience laughing)
- You're not laughing.
- Congrats on that, Ann, great job.
Holy cow, stay gold, pony boy,
it's Ralph Macchio.
I'm a big fan, Ralph.
"The Outsiders", "My Cousin, Vinny", "The Karate Kid".
Remember when Mr. Miyagi taught you that crane kick?
Gosh, was that awesome.
It was even more awesome seeing you do it backstage
to a vending machine that ate your dollar.
(audience laughing)
But I got to tell you, I got to tell you,
I have no idea who the rest of you guys up here are.
I mean, I've been sitting up here tonight
with all these folks that no one's ever heard of
thinking to myself,
did I just get traded to the Jacksonville Jaguars?
(audience laughing)
I mean --,
they had to fly in some weirdo from England
just to get enough guys up here.
No offense, weirdo.
It's Jimmy Carr, right, that's your name?
Welcome to America.
I know you guys use words differently there.
Like for example, in England football means soccer,
and here in America, Jimmy Carr means
we couldn't get Russell Brand.
(Jimmy laughing)
I just met this guy, Pete Davidson,
backstage before the show, a great guy.
He asked to take a picture with me
and I didn't even realize he was one of the comedians.
I told him, "Don't give up, kid.
"Whatever disease you have you can beat it."
(audience laughing)
- Yes, that's a Superbowl champ.
That's a Superbowl champ, yes.
- But enough about these bench warmers.
You guys didn't come here tonight
to find out about these losers.
You came here tonight to find out
why in the heck I came here tonight.
Well, five years ago,
ESPN NFL insider Rob Lowe here
tweeted out to the entire world
that I was retiring from football.
Not five months ago when I actually did retire,
but five years ago,
Soda Pop Curtis tweeted that I was done.
Finished.
I mean, Rob, I never tried to ruin your big moments.
I didn't tell people when "The Grinder" got canceled
or when "Dr. Vegas" got canceled
or when "Lion's Den" got canceled
or when "Moonbeam City" got canceled
on when your direct TV commercials got canceled.
Heck, I was just thinking
had you been quarterback for the Broncos last year
the freaking Superbowl would have been canceled.
In fact, the only thing you're consistently on is Twitter,
which is surprising because
you've never been able to master one character,
let alone 140.
(audience cheering)
But look, pal, what's done is done.
What do you say we put this whole thing behind us?
I wish you well,
I sincerely hope you can break
this 20 season losing streak you've been on.
But hey, I don't worry about Rob Lowe.
He is a workhorse.
And heck, man, if they ever stopped casting you in sitcoms
just look on the bright side.
You tried to take the air
out of my retirement announcement so fast
you can probably get a job as Tom Brady's ball boy.
- Yeah!
Yeah. (audience applauding)
- God bless all of you
and God bless Rob Lowe because he's going to need it.
- Let's get ready to mumble.
It's Shaquille O'Neal.
(audience applauding) (jazzy hip hop music)
- Thank you, Webster.
- What?
- Kevin is the only celebrity
with a star on the yellow brick road.
(audience laughing)
Case you didn't know, I am Shaquille O'Neal,
Shaq Diesel,
Superman, Big Aristotle,
Big cactus, Big Galactus, and Martha Stewart's baby daddy.
And trust me, Martha know how to work that mother (bleep),
boy, let me tell you.
Once you go Shaq you never go back,
ain't that right, Martha?
But I'm not the only baller here tonight.
What's up, Snoop?
- What it do, baby?
- Snoop made a reggae album.
If you're a rap fan, you may not have it.
But if you're a reggae fan
I know you don't (bleep) have it.
(audience laughing)
Look at all these scrubs on the stage.
I haven't seen the more disappointing lineup
since the last Lakers game. (audience laughing)
Speaking of the game,
my main man, Chris Paul from the Clippers is down there.
Hey Chris,
way are you guys playing you ain't gonna be getting a ring.
I got four of them if you need to borrow one.
You guys suck. (audience laughing)
Now as many of you know,
I'm a police detective in the city of Miami.
So Justin, as a police officer of the law,
I'm gonna give it to you straight,
which I know will be a new experience for you.
I got a question, Justin.
What kind of bitch eggs his neighbor's house?
You caused $20,000 in damages.
Imagine the damage you would have caused
if you threw like a boy.
And what are you doing dropping 75 Gs in a Miami strip club?
I heard the DJ played one of your songs
and the dancers complained their pussies were drying up.
(audience laughing)
Justin, as a father of six, you got to straighten up, son.
You know, last year you were ranked
the fifth most hated person of all time.
Kim Jong Un didn't even score that low
and he uses your music to (bleep) torture people.
(audience laughing)
But thanks to that music,
Justin is worth over $200 million.
And in prison, four packs of cools.
(audience laughing)
Justin got a tattoo of Jesus on his calf.
Why you got to bring Jesus in your mess?
That man has suffered enough. (audience laughing)
Seriously, Justin, I love you.
You're platinum recording artist.
Give it up. (audience cheering)
You're a model, give it up. (audience cheering)
You're a sex symbol, give it up.
(audience cheering)
I just want to say,
Justin Timberlake, I (bleep) love you.
Thank you.
- Blake Griffin. (audience cheering)
- Guys, give it up for Sean Hayes, huh?
Doing a great job.
Sean, you know what,
I'm not gonna stand up here
and run a bunch of hacky gay jokes
into the ground, all right.
I'm not "Will and Grace". (audience laughing)
Larry Bird is here.
I mean, Nikki Glaser is here. (audience laughing)
- That's hurts, Blake.
That's hurts.
- You know, the only difference
between Larry Bird and Nikki Glaser
is Larry could actually pass as 33.
(audience groaning)
- Devastating.
- I'm sorry, you were so nice earlier, I-
(audience laughing)
I just, yeah.
Nikki, look at you.
You damaged little climber.
You know, Nikki was the only girl
kicked off Jeffrey Epstein's island for networking.
(audience laughing)
Adam Corolla is here. (audience cheering)
Adam looks like the kind of guy
who calls black athletes thoroughbreds.
(audience groaning)
Caroline Rhea from "Sabrina" is here, give it up.
(audience cheering)
But Caroline, if you're here,
that means a Salem the cat must've turned this down, huh?
(audience laughing)
Sorry, Mr. De Niro,
we know how much you love that black pussy.
(audience groaning and applauding)
Nice to meet you, by the way (audience laughing)
Big fan.
Chris Redd looks like a police sketch
of someone doing black face. (audience laughing)
You look like Nephew Jemima.
- Don't talk about my auntie like that.
- Why do you always look like you just got your braces off?
(audience laughing)
Speaking of Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner is here.
(audience cheering)
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Like Caitlyn, my transitions are really awkward.
(audience laughing)
Caitlyn completed her gender reassignment in 2017,
finally confirming that no one in that family
wants a white dick. (audience applauding)
Thought she was coming after me there for a second.
(audience laughing)
Caitlin's pussy is so young-
(audience laughing) - How young is it?
- Alec just called it a rude, thoughtless, little pig.
(audience laughing)
Look, look, for real.
I know we're all here making fun of Caitlyn,
but honestly, I want to take this moment
to publicly thank you.
As an athlete, I want to thank you for your bravery,
and as a human I want to thank you
for the doors you've opened.
And on behalf of the entire NBA
and half of the rappers on the billboard charts,
I want to thank you for giving your daughters
their daddy issues. (audience cheering)
And now, the man of the hour, Mr. Alec Baldwin.
Give it up.
Alec, I can tell you're from New York,
'cause just like the Knicks
you've somehow gotten worse every year since the 90s.
(audience laughing)
You know, Alec kind of looks like
a team owner that saves money
by massaging the players himself.
(audience laughing)
And I played for Donald Sterling.
You might think Alex had an easy life
but he's had hardships.
He once had someone take his parking spot.
Another time a flight attendant asked him
to turn his phone off before takeoff.
And according to Alec's reactions,
those are the two worst things to ever happen to him.
In the NBA we have a term for people like you.
It's a bad teammate.
You were in "Glengarry Glen Ross" with Kevin Spacey
and you couldn't even tell him
that ABC doesn't mean always blow children?
(audience groaning)
I would've told him.
But you know what, I'm happy I'm here tonight,
'cause tonight, I learned you're a family man,
you give to charity,
and you're a big enough man to sit up here
and let us roast you.
You truly are a kind, thoughtful, little pig.
(flames crackling)