Five things not to say to a spouse who is leaving. So here's the thing, everyone
wants a playbook, right? Just tell me exactly what to say and what not to say
so that things will work so my spouse won't leave. So just tell me the exact
words so I don't screw it up or overthink it and everything will be good
to go. That's what we want and there's a lot of things out there that will say,
text these exact messages to your spouse to get them to come crawling back. Or
they'll say, get this playbook of exactly what to say to keep your spouse from
breaking up with you. And I really really hate to be the one to break it to you,
but there are no magic words, there is no magic phrase, and there is definitely no
text message with superpowers that you can send that will change everything and
make anyone come crawling back to you. Which is why I'm not going to give you
an exact phrase to say or not to say because the words that you use don't
matter as much as the intention or the meaning behind them. And let's be honest,
if I told you not to say don't leave then you would think, oh okay then I'll
say please stay. Same message different words and neither of them are going to
focus on the underlying issue. Yes, it is a problem that your spouse is leaving or
wants to leave or has left or whatever your situation may be, and as much as you
may just want to focus on them being gone, there's something else going on.
There's a reason why they left. It could be that they feel like they're being
pulled out of the relationship by something, maybe a lifestyle choice or a
job or an addiction or another person; The list goes on. Or, they may feel like
they are being pushed out of the relationship, maybe because of the way
your relationship has been; fighting disrespect, loss of love and intimacy,
feeling controlled, the list goes on there too. So the last thing you want to
do if your spouse is leaving or has left is to make anything worse. So while I'm
not going to give you word-for-word what not to say or perhaps what not to say
again if you've already done any of these things, I am going to share with
you what kinds of things you should avoid saying
if your spouse is thinking about leaving or has already left. But before I dive in,
be sure to subscribe to our Channel. We are constantly releasing the newest,
most up-to-date, and most relevant relationship information that actually
works and we love our subscribers. By the way, my name is Kimberly Holmes. I'm the
CEO here at marriage helper and i'm excited to dive in deeper to this topic
with you. So let's start number one. First, don't push. I've talked about this in a
lot of other videos, especially my video that's titled, "save your marriage while
separated". Do this so be sure to watch that one next where I go more into depth
with this. But basically, when you don't do any pushing or push behaviors, you are
wanting to avoid doing any behaviors that are actively pushing your spouse
away. Crying, begging, pleading, yelling, and crying are natural reactions when we
feel like we are losing someone that we love, but that doesn't mean that they are
the best reactions for the long-term. It might help us cope with our grief and
it's okay to do those things in private, but if we're trying to guilt our spouse
into staying by doing what we at marriage helper call push behaviors,
we're only going to push them out the door. You see, our hope is typically that
our spouse will see how much pain they are causing us when we are doing these
things and that they'll decide to stay, when in reality that doesn't work. Why? A
couple of years ago we worked with a woman who told us, "I followed my husband
out to the driveway as he was leaving and started banging my head against the
driveway until blood flowed like a river, and he still left". I don't mean to sound
insincere I really don't, but of course he did. She was acting crazy and if he
needed anything to help him solidify the decision that he needed to leave and it
was the right decision to do so, then that was it. As hard as it is, we need to
react rationally and as unemotionally as we can, and this is hard. I am NOT
saying that we don't feel the pain that is caused when our spouse wants to leave,
of course we're going to have those emotions. It's going to cause a whirlwind
of emotions and it's perfectly normal and okay to feel those things, but it's
when we start using our emotion as a tactic to try and get our spouse to stay
or guilt them into not leaving that causes problems. You need to come across
as strong and calm and gentle, even when the circumstances make you feel
otherwise. Here's the second thing. Don't threaten or give ultimatums.
Another temptation as your spouse is leaving or has left is to give them an
ultimatum or to threaten to do something like file for divorce in order to get
them to choose to stay. In a moment of hurt and anger you're likely to want to
say something to shock your spouse, to get their attention so they won't leave.
Saying something like, if you walk out that door I'll never forgive you or I'll
never let you see the kids again or I'll file for divorce or I'll tell everyone
what you've done. It's not going to lead them back into the house, it's just going
to push them out the door quicker and honestly, no one likes ultimatums and
what you are saying that you will do. Do you actually want to do that? Most people
who threaten divorce don't actually want to follow through with the filing. They
say it in a moment of anger and weakness and hurt but they don't mean it. So if
you don't mean whatever it is you're saying that you will or won't do then
why say it? I'm sure you don't want to become a person who is known for not
following through with what you say. Instead, you want to be calm and rational
and think about what you say before you say it. There's no one phrase that is
going to bring your spouse back or make them stay, so forget about trying to find
it. Instead, focus on the long-term. Just because a spouse leaves doesn't mean
that they can't come back. They absolutely can and it's not like the end
of the world, although it may feel like it, so be sure to watch your words. Here's
the third thing. Don't make empty promises. A lot of times, when our spouse is
leaving, we decide that we are going to make a bunch of promises of all the
things that we are going to do differently in order to get them to stay.
I'll be a better husband, I'll come home from work earlier, or I'll be a better
wife. I'll do more of what you're wanting me to do or whatever it might be we all
of a sudden remember the things that our spouse may have said to us over the
years that they needed or that they didn't like or that they wished we did
differently, and all of a sudden, although we dismissed these things before for
months or years, all of a sudden we decide that we will change whatever we
need to in order to get our spouse to stay. Here's the thing to consider: number
one, do you actually agree that these are changes that you should make? Some are
easy to answer. If your spouse has said that you're controlling and that you
have been controlling, then that's probably a behavior you should change.
But if your spouse has been, for example, wanting you to do things that go against
your beliefs or are out of your comfort zone, like if they want to start swinging
or be in an open marriage, then don't agree to that in order to get
them to stay. And here's the second thing to consider: are you actually going to
make the changes? Most of the time, when someone gets to the point of being ready
to leave, then you have probably said you would change things in the past but
never did and your spouse doesn't actually believe that anything is going
to change. So, if you continue to make empty promises, especially now, then your
spouse will continue to not believe you. Instead of making empty promises,
actually start changing and show your spouse that you have changed. Make the
changes permanent. Use this to make you a better person. So, don't focus so much on
the words to try and get your spouse to stay, focus on changing your actions,
changing your behaviors long-term that need to change
in order to bring your spouse back. Here's the fourth thing. Don't bring up
the past in this moment, trying to remind your spouse of the things that they
promised you. "But we made vows, but you promised that you would always stay, that
you would never leave, that you would never want to do to your kids what your
parents did to you." Bringing those things up or bringing up all of the things that
they did to you in the past that you didn't leave them for, either of
those things won't make a difference. This is an emotional situation and it
does no good to try and use logic or past promises or past wrongs to
correct the current circumstances. And here's the fifth thing. Don't follow them,
track them, or hire someone else to do so. I know you want to. You want to follow
them, you want to see where they're going, you want to break into their Facebook
and email and Instagram, and you want to get your friends to track them or hire
someone else to. And it would make for a really good reality TV. You want to call
everyone you know and see if they know where he or she is. But don't. Why? There's
lots of reasons, but here are the main two. Number one: if you're focusing on
where your spouse currently is and what they are currently doing, you're focusing
on the wrong thing. It's not what's happening right now that led to them
leaving, it's what happened in the weeks months or years up to now. I'm not saying
that you're the one to blame here, not at all. As I said before, there are many
reasons someone wants to leave a marriage, and only half of them have
anything to do with you. But it is also wise to be able to admit
that no marriage is perfect and no person is a perfect spouse. I have
definitely done the wrong things in my marriage and I'm not gonna lie to you
even though I teach this. I'm not perfect. Every day I still do and say stupid
stuff to my husband I still have to check myself on a daily basis and
correct my wrongs. We all do. So, focus on what you can do to become a better
person, a better husband, a better wife. That is where your focus needs to be. And
secondly, your spouse is not going to like it.
If they find out that you've been trying to track them or break into their
accounts or do anything like that, it will make them even angrier, even more
defensive, and they're going to feel like you've violated their privacy, and that's
not going to help you in saving the relationship long term. So it's better to
just avoid doing these things altogether instead of doing these things. The
pushing, the threatening, the making empty promises, bringing up the past,
trying to track them. You want to do what you can to mitigate any further damage
by stopping these things. That's step one, so stop doing any of these things if you
have been doing them and start using the things that we teach in our other videos,
like working on your pies or implementing smart contact. You can see
the links to those types of videos in the show notes below.
And these aren't smart tips only for when your spouse is leaving, these are
smart communication tips for life in every situation in every relationship. If
your spouse is leaving or has left and you don't know what to do, we do at
Marriage Helper. This is the exact situation that we see on a day to day
basis. If you feel like there is no hope, there is. We know. We've seen it happen
literally thousands of times. We have workshops, online courses, and marriage
coaching available for you. You can call our offices at 866-90
3-0990 and speak to the real people that we have on our team.
Or you can go to marriagehelper.com for more information and resources. So, before
you leave be sure to subscribe to our Channel and know this: you can bring your
spouse back home and transform your relationship to be better than ever. We
can teach you how. It won't happen overnight and if it did it wouldn't last.
We can teach you how to fix your relationship so it will last and it will
be better than ever.