The following trailer is rated 'H' for Honest
From the people that loved to put Disney characters in fetish gear
comes yet another half-step in a franchise dragging it's feet as hard as it possibly can before its third full entry
Kingdom Hearts 2.8
Really? 2.8?
This is just getting excessive.
Return to the endlessly interactive world of Kingdom Hearts
and experience the feeling of being shafted all over again
as Square slaps together a bunch of underperforming handheld games and HD Remasters
and sells them to you again at the price of a full game
Because they know that you're so thirsty for anything Kingdom Hearts
that you'll end up buying it anyway
Experience the world-salad that is the Final Chapter Prequel
as Square frantically attempts to make all the Kingdom Hearts games make sense together
by pasting a 40 minute cutscene alongside an HD Remix of a 3DS game from 2012
and a glorified demo of the new game's engine
and hoping it will tide you over a little longer
until they finally cancel Kingdom Hearts 3
I mean, come on!
Stop messing around and give us 3 already!
I've had blue balls for an entire decade
Dive into the most mediocre of the three experiences 2.8 has to offer, Back Cover
a cinematic prelude to the Keyblade Wars, an awesome-sounding conflict that you don't even get to see
and that seems to exist for the sole purpose of reminding you that they have a mobile game
Then, check out 'Dream Drop Distance'
an adorably titled 3DS game
that puts you through the same familiar formula, except does what all games do when they run out of ideas--
by adding parkour, or turning it into Pokémon -- in this case, both!
Then crack open the final and actual new video game portion of 2.8
Kingdom Hearts, A Fragmentary Passage
and marvel at how amazing everything looks with the new KH3 engine
with stunning environments, smooth cinematic combat, and things constantly exploding into fireworks
then reel in horror as you realize it's only two hours long
But, look... you can make your character into a robot cat-girl ninja! That justifies my purchase, right?
Watch as 2.8 desperately tries to fill in the massive holes in the rich tapestry that is Kingdom Hearts plot
by filling it in with a whole lot more nonsense that I'm gonna try to go through really quickly
Okay, here it goes *inhales*
So Back Cover's about these five masters trying to find a traitor that will eventually spark the Keyblade Wars
which apparently they knew was gonna happen anyway
then fast-forward to 'Dream Drop Distance', where Riku and Sora drop into the dreams of the sleeping worlds from the first game
then confront a time-traveling Xehanort
which is apparently a thing now
as he tries to steal Sora and turn him into one of the thirteen clones of darkness
and we learn Xehanort's master plan of trying to form the keyblade with an X
by abducting the hearts of the seven princesses of light with his thirteen clones of darkness
that can only be defeated by the seven Keyblade wielders
Then join one of those keyblade wielders, Aqua as she wanders, trapped in the world of darkness
chasing after the shadows of her friends and defeating the darkness in herself
Then find out she plays a major part in the end of the first game
and the whole thing turns into a Mickey confessional
as it jumps right into the start of the third game, as Riku and Mickey set out to find Aqua
while Sora and friends try to discover the literal power of being woke
Look, the plot is just way too sophisticated for you to understand, okay?
It's actually really good.
So put on those cat ears
and get ready to fork over that money
for a demo of the prequel of a game
Because for all there is to complain about
at least there's always that fire Utada Hikaru song to come back to
oooOOOOOoh, it's a remix this time
Starring
Cash For Hearts 2.8
You know, this is only funny until we end up getting 2.95 Final Final Mix