-Welcome back.
-I am so thrilled to be here tonight.
-I'm happy that you are here.
-You know, of all the shows that are on at 11:35,
this certainly is one of them.
[ Laughter ] -Thank you.
-And I haven't seen you since you sang "Danny Boy"
at Jeffrey Epstein's funeral.
[ Audience ohs ]
Really, that was moving.
And it's surprising that the tape has gone "missing."
[ Laughter ]
But congratulations on "Cats."
[ Laughter ]
-I wasn't in "Cats."
-That's why I'm congratulating you. You weren't in "Cats."
You're very lucky. [ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
But I adore this man so much. -Yeah.
-And I've always been on your -- Even when you were kicked off
Twitter, you know, for hate speech,
I still stood by you, you know.
-Yeah, you always do. You always have.
-And you know, we have these great dinners and he tells --
Tell them what you were telling me backstage,
why you think that urinal dividers
take the fun out of urinals. What's that about?
[ Laughter ]
Why do you feel that, Jimmy?
-I want to say I love you and happy new year.
[ Laughter ]
I'm always happy that you're here.
-Well, happy new year to you. -Yeah.
-And you look good.
-I was going to say you look -- -No, no, no, no, but I mean it.
[ Laughter ]
No. No. -Do I really?
-You're late night's baby Yoda.
[ Laughter ]
You're so cute and adorable. I saw you --
When I came on I said,
"What's Timothee Chalamet guest-hosting for?"
[ Laughter ]
-No, you look fantastic.
-No. No, I'm ravaged by time, but I accept that.
[ Laughter ]
I said to your director -- I said,
"Can you do that reverse technical aging
that they did on 'The Irishman'"?
He said, "No, it's not that advanced."
[ Laughter ]
I mean, I am 69 years of age now.
-Are you really?
-Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
And it hasn't affected my life except that I no longer
put an angel on top of the Christmas tree
because it feels like foreshadowing.
[ Laughter ]
-Awesome.
-Steve Higgins is the hippest man in show business.
I love Steve. -Yeah, we love Steve Higgins.
[ Cheers and applause ] We love you.
-You know, even if I didn't know his name was Steve,
I'd still think it was Steve Higgins.
[ Laughter ] -I know.
Congratulations. You just became a grandfather.
-I became a grandfather. [ Cheers and applause ]
For the first time.
-Look at how cute. -Theodore Andrew Short.
Look at that. [ Audience aws ]
-Oh, my goodness.
-He's got my son's eyes, my daughter-in-law's hair,
and my height. -Oh, that's fantastic.
[ Laughter ] -It is so.
It's unbelievable feeling to be a grandfather, you know.
-What is it like?
-Well, you know, once again you're changing diapers.
You're helping with feeding.
It's like being on the road with Steve Martin.
[ Laughter ]
-Would you ever want your grandson
to go into show business?
-You know, I -- Yes. Yeah.
I push -- No, listen, some people would say,
"I pushed my kids into show business.
They didn't want to do it, but I --"
You know, because you can't imagine how expensive it is
to bribe someone to get your kids into community college.
-Oh, yeah. [ Laughter ]
-No, I never wanted to spoil them.
I never gave my kids things like toys and money or vaccines.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Oh. Hey, let's talk about -- you know what? Award seasons.
-What did you call me?
-No, let's talk about -- [ Laughter ]
The award season is happening.
Award season is happening right now.
Have you seen any of the movies, the Oscars?
-Well, first of all, I love Adam Sandler.
-Me too. -You know, and I was shocked
that he was not nominated for "Uncut Gems."
-Yes.
-Which by the way, correct me if I'm wrong,
isn't that the nickname for your penis?
[ Laughter ]
-Oh! Hey-oh! [ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you so much.
-No, unfortunately, it's "the Irishman."
[ Laughter ]
Do you have a nickname for your penis?
-Yes, unfortunately now "Dolittle."
[ Laughter ]
-Ow! Ow! Ow!
-"Cats" was the worst film I have ever seen, I must admit.
-Really?
-Halfway through that film, I wanted to neuter myself.
-Oh, my gosh, yeah. [ Laughter ]
-Even PETA said, "Okay, you know what?
Let's put that cat to sleep."
-Put it down. -Yeah.
-How about "1917"?
-1917, that's what the age range of Leo DiCaprio's girlfriends.
You know that? [ Audience ohs ]
-Before we talk about the --
[ Laughter ] Before we talk about --
-I did some writing for this one.
-No. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-Before we talk about the tour,
I want to talk about you're in a new animated film on Netflix.
-Yes. -Called "The Willoughbys."
-"The Willoughbys." It opens this spring with
Ricky Gervais, the fabulous Ricky Gervais
and Maya Rudolph. -Yeah.
-Will Forte. -You guys are great together.
-It's pretty good. It's a very funny movie.
-And you did that while you were on tour with Steve or...?
-I did that while I was on tour with Steve.
Steve and I are -- We're always kind of on tour.
We do four shows, five shows a month, then we take time off.
-You change the title a lot to your shows.
-We do.
You know, it was called originally
"An evening you'll forget for the rest of your life."
-Yeah, I remember that. [ Laughter ]
-Then it was called "Now you see them, soon you won't."
[ Laughter ]
And now it's called
"The funniest show in town at the moment."
And, of course, I wanted to call it "two for the price of three,"
but everyone said that sounded greedy.
[ Laughter ]
-You're playing Florida. -Yeah.
-You're playing Sarasota on the 23rd.
Clearwater, Hollywood, Florida, Melbourne, Florida.
-Everything that you just said is absolutely correct.
[ Laughter ]
It's almost like -- It's almost like you're reading it.
[ Laughter ]
But, you know, I worry about going to Florida.
You know, the audiences are older, and Steve is so pale,
I'm afraid they're gonna assume that --
look at him and assume they're crossing over.
-Yeah, oh, my God. Yeah, you got to be careful.
You got to be careful.
-You know, the show's at 8:00 p.m.
For Florida, you know, for older audiences, they're saying,
"Why in the middle of the night?"
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-He's an odd fellow.
No, he's one of the great geniuses,
and it is the light of my life
that I get to work with him every show.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Well, you are the light of my life, and I love you so much.
Martin Short, I love you so much!
You see what I did? Martin Short, everybody.