PENELOPE CRUZ AND JESSICA
CHASTAIN ARE IN THAT NEW MOVIE CALLED THE THREE FIVE FIVE.
THEY ARE ELITE SECRET AGENTS. SECRET SPIES, WHO DO YOU THINKE3
IN OUR CREW WOULD BE THE BEST SPY?
>> OH, MAN. >> James: I'VE GOT MINE.
>> YOU'VE GOT YOURS. >> James: I KNOW EXACTLY.
AND I ACTUALLY, I KNOW IT SO MUCH, I ACTUALLY THINK SHE MIGHT
BE ONE. >> WHOA, OKAY.
>> James: SUSAN. >> YEAH.
>> James: SUSAN IS-- WHERE IS SUSAN.
LOOK AT SUSAN, LOOKING , THERE, SHE WASN'T EVEN HERE.
>> HELLO. >> James: YOU KNOW WHY?
YOU KNOW WHY? SHE WAS BACK THERE DOING SPY
[BLEEP], HAS ANYONE LOOKED-- LOOK, SHE ALREADY LOOKS
LIKE THE MUM FROM THE INCREDIBLES LOOK AT THAT, A
MOVIE ABOUT PENELOPE CRUZ AND THEY ARE SPIES AND NO ONE KNOWS
WHO THEY ARE. >> IS THAT WHAT THAT MOVIE IS
ABOUT? >> James: NO ONE KNOWS THEY
ARE THE INCREDIBLES. >> THEY ARE NOT SPIES IN IT, ARE
THEY? >> James: WELL, WHAT THE
[BLEEP] ARE THEY, THEN. >> THEY'RE SUPERHEROES.
>> YEAH. >> THEY'RE KIND OF UNDERCOVER.
>> James: THEY ARE UNDERCOVER. THEY'VE GOT SKILLS.
>> RIGHT. >> James: DON'T, DON'T START
LIKE THIS. >> I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, YOU KNOW
WHO MAKES THE BEST SPY. >> James: GO ON.
>> IT WOULD BE YOU, DUDE. >> James: I DON'T THINK SO, I
DON'T THINK SO. >> NOBODY THINKS IT'S JAMES
CORDEN STEALING THE PLANS TO LIKE THE SECRET AIRPLANE DESIGN.
YOU COULD LIKE WALK OUT OF A GOVERNMENT BUILDING AND THEY
WOULD BE LIKE WAS THAT THE-- NO, ISN'T THAT THE GUY FROM INTO THE
WOODS, NO WAY IT WAS HIM. >> James: THAT'S THE
GUY-- WELL-- YOU KNOW, THE-- . >> SINGING IN CARS, CARPOOLS,
YEAH, GOOD POINT. I JUST DON'T THINK IT GOT TO SPY
LEVEL STUFF WHERE I'VE GOT TO BE LIKE, YOU KNOW, RUNNING.
THAT'S-- I THINK THAT IS WHERE I FALL DOWN.
I THINK I COULD BE IN A ROOM AND PREVEND-- PRETEND AND LIKE MY
ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN IF YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG, DO IT STRONG.
I THINK CAN I DO THAT. I THINK AS A SPY, I ONLY FALL
DOWN IF SOMEONE IS LIKE QUICK, RUN.
AND I'M LIKE AH. THAT'S GOING TO-- THAT'S A
PROBLEM, BUDDY, THAT'S A PROBLEM.
>> THE SECOND THERE IS ANY INDICATION THERE MIGHT BE
EXERCISE, ARE YOU GOING TO THE SIGH NIED TOOTH IN THE BACK OF
THE MOUTH. >> QUICK, JUMP THAT WALL.
-- (APPLAUSE)
IT IS THAT TIME THAT AMERICA, NAY THE GLOBE HAS BEEN WAITING
FOR. IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS.
HERE'S AN INTERESTING DEVELOPMENT WITH THE JANUARY 6th
COMMITTEE IN THE HOUSE. IN AN EFFORT TO COMBAT
MISINFORMATION, THEY'RE NOW CONSIDERING HOLDING TELEVISED
HEARINGS LATER THIS SPRING, IN PRIME TIME.
I THINK THEY'RE TAKING IT A BIT TOO FAR BY PUTTING IT ON PRIME
TIME. AND ESPECIALLY BY ADDING THAT
HALFTIME PERFORMANCE FROM MAROON FIVE.
FROM THE CAPITOL BUILDING, IT FEELS-- YEAH, IT
THAT WILL BE AN ODD PROMO FOR THE TV NETWORKS.
UP NEXT, THE HEARINGS ON THE CAPITOL RIOTS.
THEN STAY TUNED FOR A LAUGH RIOT, WITH YOUNG SHELDON!
AND IN THE SPIRIT OF FAIRNESS, AS COUNTER -PROGRAMMING
TO THE TELEVISED INSURRECTIONS HEARINGS, FOX NEWS WILL INSTEAD
JUST AIR A CONTINUOUS LOOP OF A BALD EAGLE GIVING BIRTH TO AN
AMERICAN FLAG. IN RELATED NEWS, FORMER
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS CANCELING A
PREVIOUSLY-PLANNED PRESS CONFERENCE TOMORROW, ON THE
ANNIVERSARY OF JANUARY 6th. HE DID SO HOURS AFTER REPUBLICAN
SENATORS TOLD HIM THE PRESS CONFERENCE MIGHT NOT BE A GOOD
IDEA. SO DONALD TRUMP IS CANCELING A
PUBLIC APPEARANCE AND LISTENING TO ADVICE FROM OTHER PEOPLE?
HONESTLY? I'M WORRIED ABOUT HIM.
REPUBLICAN SENATORS SAID THE PRESS CONFERENCE WASN'T A
"GOOD IDEA." SO INSTEAD, TRUMP WILL JUST
SPEND A QUIET DAY DANCING THE YMCA AT HOME.
SO, NO PRESS CONFERENCE TOMORROW, BUT TRUMP WILL SPEAK
AT AN ARIZONA RALLY ON JANUARY 15th INSTEAD.
JUST AS MARTIN LUTHER KING, JUNIOR WOULD HAVE WANTED.
MOVING ON, THERE'S SOME NEW PROPAGANDA FROM THE NORTH KOREAN
GOVERNMENT TO TELL YOU ABOUT. NORTH KOREA IS NOW CLAIMING THAT
KIM JONG UN'S FATHER, KIM JONG-IL, INVENTED, IN 2011, THE
BURRITO. INVENTED IN 2011, THE BURRITO.
HERE'S A REAL MURAL COMMEMORATING THE HISTORIC
MOMENT. APPARENTLY, NOT ONLY WAS KIM
JONG-IL THE SUPREME LEADER OF NORTH KOREA, HE WAS ALSO
ASSISTANT MANAGER AT DEL TACO. I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE A CRAZY
STORY, BUT THINK ABOUT IT, NAME THINK ABOUT IT HARD, THINK ABOUT
IT HARD. NAME
A SINGLE TIME YOU SAW A BURRITO BEFORE 2011.
YOU CAN'T. YOU CAN'T.
AND I'M RACKING MY BRAINS, NOW. >> THEY CALLED THEM WRAPPINGS
BEFORE. >> James: THEY WERE WRAPPED.
>> YEAH. >> James: YOU'RE CORRECT.
>> NOW YOU HAVE TO ORDER AN IL SUPREME.
>> James: YOU KNOW THAT KIM JONG-IL ACTUALLY WASN'T
EVEN THE FIRST DICTATOR TO INVENT A POPULAR MEXICAN DISH.
THE CHALUPA? DID YOU KNOW THIS,
THAT WAS ALL SADDAM HUSSEIN. >> James: AND DID EVERYBODY SEE
THIS? SCIENTISTS IN ISRAEL HAVE JUST
TRAINED SIX GOLDFISH , THIS IS COMPLETELY TRUE, SIX GOLDFISH TO
DRIVE ON LAND. THEY BUILT A FISH OPERATED
VEHICLE, WHICH THE GOLDFISH CAN CONTROL USING SIMPLE NAVIGATION
STRATEGIES. AND THIS IS THE RESULT, TAKE A
LOOK. LOOK, THERE'S THE FISH, THE FISH
DRIVE BY SWIMMING IN A SPECIFIC DIRECTION.
I DON'T-- IT IS NOT-- IT ISN'T NAVIGATING.
THAT FISH ISN'T NAVIGATING AS MUCH AS JUST SWIMMING TOO A
CORNER THE WHOLE TIME. IT'S NOT LIKE, LET'S TAKE A LEFT
ON BROADWAY. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
QURS CAN LITERALLY DRIVE THEMSELVES NOW.
WHY ARE WE TRYING TO TEACH GOLDFISH TO DO IT?
WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS, WHO WAS LIKE WHAT SHOULD WE DO.
I'M TRYING TO TEACH THE GOLD FISH TO DRIVE THE CAR.
>> MAYBE IT IS THE CAT, MAYBE CATS ARE CREATING A DELIVERY
SERVICE FOR GOLD FISH. >> THAT IS A GREAT IDEA.
I HADN'T EVEN CONSIDERED THAT. THAT HAD NOT EVEN CROSSED MY
MIND. OF COURSE IT'S CATS.
>> YEAH. CATS, 25 CATS HAVE GOT INSIDE,
PUT A HAT ON, PIPE, BUILT IT SO THAT THEN WHEN THEY ARE HUNGRY T
IS BASICALLY, IT'S POSTMATES. >> YEAH.
>> James: GET THE PHONE OUT, CALL IT NOW.
THERE IS A FISH ON THE WAY GUYS, DON'T WORRY.
ALTHOUGH, YOU'RE LIKE, IT IT IS GOING TO IT BE WEIRD WHEN YOU
ARE LATE TO A DINNER PARTY BECAUSE OF THAT.
I'M SORRY, I'M STILL TEN MINUTES OUT.
I'M STUCK BEHIND A SAW FISH IN A HONDA.
>> James: IN OTHER NEWS, SATELLITE DISHES FOR ELON MUSK'S
STARLINK INTERNET SERVICE HAVE BECOME VERY POPULAR WITH AN
UNUSUAL SEGMENT OF THE POPULATION-- CATS.
STARLINK CUSTOMERS HAVE REPORTED THAT THE SATELLITE DISHES, WHICH
GIVE OFF HEAT, RESULT IN, WELL, THIS.
LOOK AT THAT. YEAH, IT'S VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE
TO KEEP CATS AWAY FROM THE INTERNET.
THEY LOVE IT, AND IT LOVES THEM. HEY, READY FOR THIS?
HAGAR, YOU WANT TO WRITE THIS DOWN.
MORE LIKE CATELLITE DISH.
>> James: THEY JUST, WOW. THIS IS AMAZING.
I DON'T THINK THEY'VE EVER DONE THIS BEFORE.
THE ACADEMY OF TELEVISION ARTS AND SCIENCES, 2021/2022 PRIME
TIME EMMY AWARDS, OUTSTANDING JOKE IN THE HISTORY OF LATE
NIGHT. IT'S ACHIEVABLE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF WHATEVER THIS IS.