WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I HOPE YOU'RE ALL DOING WELL.
WE'RE GOOD HERE.
THOUGH, ONE OF THE ODDEST THINGS ABOUT DOING THE SHOW AT HOME,
FROM MY LITTLE STUDY HERE IS THAT IT'S STARTING TO FEEL
NORMAL-- AND THAT IS REALLY WEIRD.
I MEAN, WHY IS MY SON SITTING ON THE FLOOR WEARING A HEADSET?
HE'S TALKING TO MY DIRECTOR BACK IN NEW YORK.
SAY HI TO JIM.
>> HI, JIM.
>> Stephen: DOES JIM SAY HI BACK?
>> HE DIDN'T SAY HI BACK.
>> Stephen: IS HE MAD AT ME?
PROBABLY.
>> Stephen: PETER'S BEEN TERRIFIC.
EVERY MEMBER OF MY FAMILY HAS BEEN TERRIFIC, WHICH
STATISTICALLY MEANS, I'M THE BAD ROOMMATE.
BUT WE HAVE NO CHOICE.
RIGHT NOW, INSIDE IS THE PLACE TO BE, BECAUSE THE NEWS FROM THE
OUTSIDE IS ALARMING.
THIS WEEK, THE GOVERNMENT PROJECTED 100,000 TO 240,000
DEATHS FROM CORONAVIRUS.
THAT'S WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW THAT EVERYONE STAYS
SAFE AND STAYS FOCUSED.
AND STAY INSIDE.
AND I KNOW YOU THE AMERICAN PEOPLE GET IT, BUT SOME OF OUR
ELECTED OFFICIALS ARE SLOW ON THE UPTAKE.
REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS IN 11 STATES STILL REFUSE TO ISSUE
STAY-AT-HOME ORDERS.
THEY'RE DEFIANT TO THE END.
THEY'VE EVEN GOT THEIR OWN PATRIOT FLAG, "DON'T COUGH ON
ME."
BUT SOME REPUBLICANS ARE STARTING TO COME AROUND.
LIKE FLORIDA GOVERNOR AND TENTH-GRADER WHO READ SOMEPLACE
SQUINTING WAS SEXY, RON DESANTIS.
AFTER REFUSING TO SHUT THE STATE'S BEACHES DURING SPRING
BREAK, YESTERDAY DESANTIS ISSUED A STATEWIDE STAY-AT-HOME ORDER,
AND HE EXPLAINED WHAT CHANGED HIS MIND:
>> IT IS A VERY SERIOUS SITUATION, WHEN YOU SEE THE
PRESIDENT UP THERE AND HIS DEMEANOR THE LAST COUPLE OF
DAYS, THAT'S NOT NECESSARILY HOW HE ALWAYS IS.
>> STEPHEN: SO, IT WASN'T THE DATA, OR THE SCIENTISTS-- IT WAS
TRUMP'S DEMEANOR?
HOW DOES THAT WORK?
IS HE THE CORONAVIRUS GROUNDHOG?
"LEGEND SAYS, IF PUNXATAWNEY TRUMP FOLDS HIS ARMS AND FROWNS,
SIX MORE WEEKS OF QUARANTINE!" DESANTIS ISN'T THE ONLY ONE
SEEING THE LIGHT A LITTLE LATE.
SO IS GEORGIA GOVERNOR AND MAN WHO TOLD HIS PLASTIC SURGEON
"GIVE ME THE JOKER," BRIAN KEMP.
YESTERDAY, KEMP HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE THAT HE'S
FINALLY GOING TO TAKE CORONAVIRUS SERIOUSLY BECAUSE
SOME BRAND-NEW INFORMATION HAD COME TO LIGHT.
>> THIS VIRUS IS NOW TRANSMITTING BEFORE PEOPLE SEE
SIGNS.
THOSE INDIVIDUALS COULD HAVE BEEN INFECTING PEOPLE BEFORE
THEY EVER FELT BAD.
WELL, WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT BEFORE THE LAST 24 HOURS, AND AS DR.
TOOMEY TOLD ME, THIS IS A GAME CHANGER FOR US.
>> STEPHEN: YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT UNTIL YESTERDAY?
IT'S ALL ANYONE'S BEEN TALKING ABOUT SINCE JANUARY!
YOU'RE LIKE A GUY SAYING, "I FINALLY STARTED WATCHING THIS
'GAME OF THRONES.' NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WERE
DRAGONS IN IT!
THIS IS A GAME CHANGER!" EVERONE KNOWS THE VIRUS CAN
SPREAD BEFORE PEOPLE ARE SYMPTOMATIC.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE SOCIAL DISTANCING.
NYOU NUMB NUT!
IN FEBRUARY, THE DIRECTOR OF THE C.D.C. SAID THIS TO
CONGRESS: >> WHAT WE HAVE LEARNED IN THE
LAST EIGHT WEEKS IS THAT THIS VIRUS CAN ACTUALLY CAUSE
ASYMPTOMATIC INFECTION.
NO SYMPTOMS.
>> STEPHEN: CAN YOU TELL HOW LONG AGO THAT WAS?
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT: IT HAPPENED IN A ROOM FULL OF
PEOPLE.
ANOTHER GOVERNOR WHO IS NOT HELPING IS WISCONSIN DEMOCRAT
TONY EVERS, SEEN HERE PUSHING A STAFFER INTO A WELL.
EVERS AND THE G.O.P.-CONTROLLED LEGISLATURE REFUSE TO POSTPONE
WISCONSIN'S ELECTION, WHICH IS SCHEDULED FOR THIS TUESDAY,
DESPITE THE FACT THAT MORE THAN 100 MUNICIPALITIES WILL NOT HAVE
ENOUGH POLL WORKERS TO OPEN A SINGLE VOTING LOCATION.
BERNIE SANDERS CALLED ON WISCONSIN TO POSTPONE ITS
ELECTION AND HAVE EVERONE VOTE BY MAIL, EXPLAINING, "PEOPLE
SHOULD NOT BE FORCED TO PUT THEIR LIVES ON THE LINE TO
VOTE."
WELL SAID MY IMITATION OF BERNIE.
POLLING PLACES SHOULD NOT BE DANGEROUS.
WE ALL REMEMBER WHAT A DISASTER IT WAS BACK IN '72 WHEN ALABAMA
REPLACED THEIR POLL WORKERS WITH BENGAL TIGERS.
VOTING BY MAIL SEEMS LIKE AN OBVIOUS SOLUTION, BUT WISCONSIN
REQUIRES EVERYONE VOTING BY MAIL TO OBTAIN A WITNESS SIGNATURE.
ON ELECTION DAY IN WISCONSIN, THEY GIVE OUT TWO STICKERS:
"I VOTED," AND "I LIKE TO WATCH PEOPLE VOTE."
AND, COME ON, EVERYONE IS SOCIAL DISTANCING, AND WHAT IF YOU LIVE
ALONE?
LIKE 77-YEAR-OLD SALLY COHEN COMPLAINED, "I WAS JUST
DISTRAUGHT THIS MORNING WHEN I OPENED IT AND SAW THAT YOU HAVE
TO HAVE A WITNESS.
I THOUGHT, 'I JUST CAN'T DO IT.' THEY SUGGESTED HAVING THE
MAILMAN LOOK THROUGH THE PICTURE WINDOW, BUT I'M ON THE THIRD
FLOOR, SO THAT WON'T WORK."
THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING FOR YEARS: MAILMEN SHOULD ALL
CARRY LADDERS SO THEY CAN LOOK THROUGH OLD WOMEN'S WINDOWS!
NO ONE LISTENED.
DEMOCRATS WANT TO REMOVE BARRIERS LIKE THESE ALL OVER THE
COUNTRY.
IN THE RECENTLY-PASSED STIMULUS BILL, NANCY PELOSI TRIED TO GET
FUNDING TO MOVE THE ENTIRE COUNTRY TO VOTE BY MAIL.
BUT, THAT WAS ROUNDLY REJECTED BY THE PRESIDENT, AND HE
EXPLAINED WHY ON THE "FOX AND FRIENDS:"
>> THE THINGS THEY HAD IN THERE WERE CRAZY.
THEY HAD THINGS THAT-- LEVELS OF VOTING THAT, IF YOU EVER
AGREED TO IT, YOU'D NEVER HAVE A REPUBLICAN ELECTED IN THIS
COUNTRY AGAIN.
>> STEPHEN: WOW!
YOU CAN'T SAY THAT OUT LOUD.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PRETEND THAT YOU WON THE ELECTION BECAUSE
PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING (AS TRUMP)
"I CAN'T STAND THESE NEWFANGLED SCOREBOARDS.
LEVELS OF TOUCHDOWN COUNTING THAT ARE JUST CRAZY.
IF YOU EVER AGREED TO IT, THE LOSER WOULD NEVER WIN AGAIN."
TRUMP'S REALLY NOT STAYING FOCUSED.
HE SPENT THE FIRST HOUR OF YESTERDAY'S CORONAVIRUS BRIEFING
NOT TALKING ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS:
>> TODAY, THE UNITED STATES IS LAUNCHING ENHANCED
COUNTER-NARCOTICS OPERATIONS IN IN THE
WESTERN HEMISPHERE TO PROTECT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE FROM THE
DEADLY SCOURGE OF ILLEGAL NARCOTICS.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, BUT THAT'S NOT THE DEADLY SCOURGE EVERYONE'S
THINKING ABOUT!
I'M NOT BLEACHING MY CUCUMBERS BECAUSE OF ILLEGAL NARCOTICS.
THOUGH I BETTED IF YOU BLEACHED A CUCUMBER, IT WOULD GET YOU
HIGH.
STREET NAME: "SATAN'S PICKLE."
AND AGAIN, MY LEGAL TEAM WANTS ME TO TELL YOU, DON'T ACTUALLY
BLEACH YOUR CUCUMBER-- UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR GHERKIN TO TASTE
LIKE A SWIMMING POOL.
THEN, TRUMP SHIFTED TO SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO HIM.
>> DID YOU KNOW I WAS NUMBER ONE ON FACEBOOK?
I MEAN, I JUST FOUND OUT I'M NUMBER ONE ON FACEBOOK.
>> STEPHEN: STOP IT!
STOP IT!
NO ONE CARES.
HE'S LIKE NERO WATCHING ROME BURN, GOING
(AS TRUMP) "I JUST FOUND OUT I'VE GOT THE
NUMBER ONE SINGLE ON THE BILLBOARD HOT FIDDLING CHART.
I MEAN, IT MUST BE HOT.
I SMELL A LOT OF SMOKE.
WHO'S MAKING TOAST?
I'M IN ."
NOW, DURING ANY NATIONAL CRISIS, PEOPLE START LISTENING TO
CONSPIRACY THEORIES.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I'M GUESSING ILLUMINATI MIND CONTROL.
YESTERDAY, ONE CONSPIRACY THEORIST IN LOS ANGELES-- AND
STICK WITH ME ON THIS ONE-- TRIED TO CRASH A SPEEDING TRAIN
INTO A HOSPITAL SHIP.
THANKFULLY, NO ONE WAS HURT, LARGELY BECAUSE AFTER JUMPING
THE TRACKS, THE TRAIN CAME TO A STOP 250 YARDS AWAY FROM THE
BOAT.
LITTLE-KNOWN FACT: TRAINS CAN'T MOVE FORWARD IF THEY'RE NOT ON
THEIR TRACKS.
SOMEONE REALLY SHOULD'VE MENTIONED THAT TO THIS GUY, WHO
IS A...
TRAIN ENGINEER.
THIS HOSPITAL SHIP IS THE SISTER SHIP OF THE ONE IN NEW YORK
HARBOR, "THE COMFORT."
THE ONE IN L.A. IS CALLED "THE MERCY."
AND THE-- LET'S SAY, CONCERNED CITIZEN-- GOT ONBOARD THE CRAZY
TRAIN TO SINK THE "MERCY" BECAUSE HE "BELIEVED IT HAD AN
ALTERNATE PURPOSE RELATED TO COVID-19 OR A GOVERNMENT
TAKEOVER."
SO, THIS GUY'S DUMB AND, WORST OF ALL, THIS GUY TOTALLY RIPPED
OFF THE PLOT OF THE UPCOMING MOVIE, "FAST & FURIOUS 10:
2 TRAIN 2 BOAT."
BUT DON'T WORRY, THE COPS GOT THIS GUY.
HE WAS ARRESTED AND CHARGED WITH ONE COUNT OF "TRAIN WRECKING."
STOP WITH THE LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO, WHAT DID YOU CHARGE HIM WITH?
OH, TRAIN WRECKING, OKAY.
ONE TARGET OF ONLINE CONSPIRACIES IS LEADING
INFECTIOUS DISEASE EXPERT AND NICE RUMPELSTILTSKIN WHO TRIES
TO HELP YOU GUESS HIS NAME, ANTHONY FAUCI.
SINCE THE CRISIS BEGAN, DR. FAUCI'S BEEN JOINING TRUMP'S
DAILY PRESS BRIEFINGS TO ANSWER ALL THE QUESTIONS THE PRESIDENT
CAN'T.
SO, THE QUESTIONS.
ONLINE CONSPIRACY THEORISTS SEE THIS AS DELIBERATELY UNDERMINING
THE PRESIDENT.
AND NOW, AFTER RECEIVING THREATS, ANTHONY FAUCI WILL
BE RECEIVING ENHANCED PERSONAL SECURITY.
THAT'S A GOOD THING.
BUT I'M NOT SURE THE BEST WAY TO PROTECT A 79-YEAR-OLD MAN RIGHT
NOW IS TO SURROUND HIM WITH PEOPLE 24 HOURS A DAY.
ON "CBS THIS MORNING," THIS MORNING, ON CBS, DR. FAUCI WAS
ASKED ABOUT THESE ADDED STRESSORS:
>> THERE ARE REPORTS THAT YOU NOW HAVE TO HAVE SECURITY.
I'M WONDERING HOW THIS HAS AFFECTED YOU PERSONALLY.
>> IT IS MY JOB.
THIS IS THE LIFE I'VE CHOSEN.
AND I'M DOING IT.
OBVIOUSLY, THERE'S A LOT OF PRESSURE.
I'D BE FOOLISH TO DENY THAT.
BUT THAT'S WHAT I DO.
THERE'S A JOB TO DO AND WE'VE JUST GOT TO DO IT.
>> STEPHEN: THAT IS INCREDIBLY NOBLE.
I'M GOING TO TRY TO BRING THAT SAME LEVEL OF DEDICATION TO MY
ESSENTIAL JOB DURING THIS CRISIS: MAKING JOKES ABOUT
ANDREW CUOMO'S NIPPLES.
DR. FAUCI, YOU'RE AN EXPERT.
WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN IN NIP TOWN?
IS HE LETTING THE FREAK FLAG FLY?
GET BACK TO ME.
THANKFULLY, THE VAST MAJORITY OF AMERICANS ARE GRATEFUL FOR THE
WORK DR. FAUCI HAS DONE.
AND THERE'S BEEN A NATIONAL SWELL OF FAUCI-MANIA.
RIGHT NOW, ON ETSY, YOU CAN FIND FAUCI T-SHIRTS, PRAYER CANDLES,
AND EVEN FAUCI SOCKS.
HE SAID WE CAN'T PUT OUR HANDS ON OUR FACES, BUT HE NEVER SAID
WE COULDN'T PUT HIS FACE ON OUR FEET!
CHECKMATE!
DR. FAUCI'S BEEN INCREDIBLY GRACIOUS ABOUT ALL THIS
ATTENTION: >> WELL, DR. FAUCI, LISTEN,
YOU'RE ON DOUGHNUTS, YOU'RE ON SOCKS, YOU'RE ON MUGS.
THERE'S FAUCI FRIDAY.
"PEOPLE" MAGAZINE, THERE'S A PETITION TO MAKE YOU "SEXIEST
MAN ALIVE" BECAUSE PEOPLE SAY BRAINS ARE SEXY.
I'M WONDERING HOW YOU'RE-- WHAT YOUR FAMILY THINKS ABOUT ALL OF
THIS?
>> IT'S REALLY KIND OF CRAZY.
WE TRY NOT TO PAY ATTENTION TO THAT AND JUST FOCUS ON THE
RESPONSIBILITY AND THE JOB THAT WE HAVE.
THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.
NOT THAT OTHER STUFF.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S SO HUMBLE.
AND SO SEXY.
JIM, PUT FAUCI BACK UP.
CAN WE GET A WIDER SHOT?
OOOH, THE NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HOTNESS.
JUST TRY TO STAY SIX FEET AWAY.
WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
ALICIA KEYS IS HERE.
AND I WILL TALK TO HER.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I AM TALKING WITH SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, NANCY
PELOSI.
IT'S SUCH A SPECIAL OCCASION.
I MIGHT PUT ON A TIE.
STICK AROUND.