I think second only to how do I control my temper as a parent. The number 1
question we get is "How to teach a child to control their emotions?" When we
understand child development, we know that children, especially young
children have a really hard time regulating affect or emotion. -And that's
completely typical. It's developmentally appropriate. -Oh, yeah. We expect it.
They get overwhelmed sometimes with emotion. And you'll see this as you watch
them. It's just like boom! It just bursts out. Without any level of regulation or
modulation at all. And that's exactly what we would expect for a young child.
Now, as they get a little older and as they start to learn things, we want to
teach them how to regulate their emotions. The number one way to do that...
This is going to surprise everybody, right? Model it. -Right. -You've got to be a good
example of modulating your own emotion. Regulating the the way you express your
emotions. And that's why probably the number 1 question we get on the
channel is "How do I control my temper?" -Because we know that when we're modeling
a burst of anger, we're just teaching our child that that's one of the ways or an
acceptable way to deal with a lot of emotions. And we want to teach them some
other ways. And we're going to start right by like labeling the emotion you feel
and talk about some ways to handle it. Right from the very beginning, give them
the words to communicate how to regulate this emotion. -That is a real key Vicki
because the feelings are hard to label sometimes. And most kids... Actually, you
know what? Most adults have a very limited emotional vocabulary. -There's
usually a happy, mad, sad. So, that's what kids start out with. So, we're going to take
mad. And we're going to maybe talk about frustrated, annoyed, irritated. We're going to
model those words. I can see you're probably feeling pretty
frustrated that your brother took the toy you wanted to play with. -There's a
lot of ways that you can introduce this to kids. And Viki, can I just tell on you
a little bit? -Sure. She's good at this. And we were visiting our grandkids recently
and I saw you sitting with our granddaughter on your lap. And you were
reading a book with her. Well, the book has the words printed in it. And you can
follow those words. But Vicki does something else. She identifies different
characters in the book and she asks... Remember what you asked? -I don't right at
the moment. -I wonder what she's feeling right now.
That's brilliant. -it's a technique that I use at school all the time. It's a
really great way to use books or TV shows or things like that to talk about
somebody's behavior and their feelings, their emotions. And it's a way to get out
of your perspective... Kids have a hard time it's a developmental thing to learn
how to realize that somebody else feels something very different than what
you're feeling right now. This is one of the precursors to empathy and being able
to really understand your impact on other people. So, identifying those
emotions. And notice in most children's books... Let's say it's an animated book.
Someone has taken the time to carefully animate these different characters. And
they intentionally put expressions on those characters faces to communicate
that. So, let's use the resource that's already there. That's why I wanted
to tell on you that I thought it was brilliant. -Once we've labeled the
emotion that's going on, let's talk about maybe the expected ways to handle that
emotion or the unexpected ways. And I use the words expected and unexpected. I
almost never use good or bad behavior words. -Right. -Don't ever use those words. -I just
say expected and unexpected. I work with a lot of children who are maybe on the
spectrum and it's harder for them to judge what's expected behavior. They
might burst all the time. Had a little girl in my office today that she
just goes from here in noise level to here with no... -No
transition. -...Transition or whatever. And so, we talked a lot about today about how
it's unexpected to just yell at me when I'm only this close to you. Because we
only need a one-foot voice. So... You know, you can talk you know, "I know you're
feeling frustrated. And so, when you're feeling frustrated it's pretty common
sometimes to turn and walk away or to do this." You can talk about what's expected
behavior. "It's not expected to turn around and punch somebody because you're
frustrated." That sort of thing. -You're never wrong about how you feel. And your
kids aren't either. They're going to have intense emotions. I love the way that
you've just framed that, Vicki because there's there's expected behavior,
there's unexpected behavior. And then we can put it in to a framework for our
kids that when we're feeling and then you use your vocabulary words that
you've been working on. "When we're feeling frustrated it's expected that we
handle that with our words instead of our fists." Okay for example. "It would be
unexpected behavior to use your fists and that might get into trouble and have
other people feeling upset too." Not only the modeling of it but the actual
teaching of it in those kinds of words. "When we're feeling this, it's probably
best to..." Whatever. And give them the instruction. How are they going to know
unless we teach them? -You know, Paul. You always say you're never wrong about how
you feel. -Right. -And there's a little part that goes with that. Because your
feelings are very consistent with your thoughts. And I think that's one reason I
really like using charts or using pictures or using images. People's facial
images. Because we can go back. As we start to learn how to take others
perspectives, we might have a chance to talk with your child obviously I was
there coming out of that that feeling. It's really hard to negotiate or to talk in
the heated, really heavy feeling. But you can talk to him about, "Okay, you were feeling this.
What were you thinking at that time? How do you think your friend might have
been thinking?" You can kind of talk them through some things and show
them that there might be another way to think about things which will then
change some of their feelings. -Yes. I love that tie in. In that comes so naturally
to me that I don't always think to mention it.
Our thoughts are what drive our feelings. -Right. -And our feelings affect our
thoughts too, obviously. There's some interplay there. Suggesting those
alternatives can be powerful. So, what were you thinking at the time. Or if
you're reading the book, "What do you think he might be thinking that has him
feeling this way? -Right. -And then the alternatives will, "What else
might we think?" And that's a really big one is "What's another thing that could
be happening? What else could we think about that?" I found that kids sometimes
really need some walking through of seeing how there might be as something
else on what else. -"And if he were thinking this, how would he feel instead?"
-Right. So... -Pretty cool. And that's... There's some powerful ways that you can teach
that. Remember, you're in charge of this. Oh, and one other thing.
Make sure you model for them... Oh, did I already mentioned that? I'm going to
repeat it because what you show them it's what's going to teach them much
more than anything you ever tell them. And we're big advocates of telling them
things. -And not only modeling it. Go ahead and walk through your thought process. It
feels kind of funny. But sometimes go ahead and say, "Oh, I started to feel
really frustrated." And then I thought, "Huh, maybe that person is really in a hurry
and they didn't see me and that's why they cut me off. Then I don't feel so
frustrated when I think it that way." So, go ahead and talk your way through it.
Not just for yourself but also to show them how to do it. -There is another
strategy. You've mentioned this in other videos, Vicki. I think we picked it up
originally from Brené Brown where you put it in terms of. You know, the story in
my head is. -Yeah. -And you talk about the story you know that you're telling
yourself that causes those feelings. There's a lot of different contexts and
ways to do that. But remember, you as the example as the model, that's going to be
your most power teacher. Up next is how to help your
child express their feelings. Obviously, that's right in line with what we've
already talked about here on this video. And you might have additional questions.
In fact, I'm pretty sure you do. You have an opportunity to talk to a member of
our team personally, one-on-one for free. We call that the breakthrough call. And to
get into that breakthrough call, just go to DrPaulJenkins.com. Spelled with the
D-R. DrPaulJenkins.com/ breakthroughcall. And take them right to
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