♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY!
MY NEXT GUEST HAS HAD HER OWN HBO COMEDY SPECIAL, AND CO-HOSTS
A SHOW ON SIRIUS RADIO.
PLEASE WELCOME BONNIE MCFARLANE!
(BAND PLAYING) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
I DO THIS FOR THE MONEY.
(LAUGHTER) I THOUGHT I ENCOUNTERED REAL
SEXISM TODAY.
I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND A GUY I HAD NEVER MET
BEFORE, A TOTAL STRANGER, CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, "SMILE."
I WAS LIKE, ARE YOU REALLY TELLING ME HOW TO MAKE MY FACIAL
EXPRESSIONS?
THEN HE WALKED OVER TO A GUY IN A WHEELCHAIR AND SAID, "WALK."
SO IT DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO A GENDER.
HE HAD CONTROL ISSUES.
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME TO SMILE.
YOU CAN'T BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME.
YOU'LL RUIN YOUR LIVER.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO PUT THE BOTTLE DOWN.
LIKE WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING.
LET'S TALK ABOUT TEXTING AND DRIVING.
I HATE WHEN I HEAR PEOPLE SAY, "I ONLY DO IT ONCE IN A WHILE!"
THAT'S THE KIND OF THINKING THAT WILL GET YOU KILLED.
TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING YOU NEED TO PRACTICE.
YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALL THE TIME.
ON RAMPS, OFF RAMPS, WHEN YOU'RE MERGING.
I KNOW IT'S HARD.
IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES, BUT YOU HAVE TO TRY.
LIVES ARE AT STAKE.
I LOVE MY PHONE.
I LOST MY DAUGHTER IN WALMART ONCE-- I DID NOT HAVE THE SAME
ANXIETY.
AS WHEN I LEFT MY PHONE IN THE BATHROOM AT TGI FRIDAYS.
MY KID IS OKAY, TOO.
BUT I WOULDN'T FREAK OUT IF SHE FELL IN THE TO TOILET.
WE PARENT DIFFERENT TODAY.
I SAY, STAY DOWN, IF SHE'S IN THE CAR.
I DON'T WANT SOMEBODY TO BREAK MY WINDOW.
PEOPLE WALK UP AND SAY WE LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.
I ALWAYS FEEL WEIRD ABOUT IT.
I FEEL ALMOST OFFENDED-- I JUST THINK I'M SO MUCH HOTTER THAN
SHE IS.
I MEAN, SHE HAS HER OWN THING GOING ON, IF YOU'RE INTO THAT
SORT OF THING.
THE HARDEST PART OF PARENTING IS PUNISHING YOUR KID.
IT'S SO HARD.
THERE'S NO RULES IN OUR HOUSE.
WELL, THERE'S NO TV.
NO BOOKS EITHER.
NO LEARNING OF ANY KIND.
JUST MINECRAFT AND WE GOT HER A TINDER ACCOUNT.
SHE LOVES TO SWIPE.
MY DAUGHTER TOLD ME SHE KNOWS A CURSE WORD WORSE THAN THE
F-WORD.
I SAID, "WHAT?" SHE SAID, CONT.
IT TOOK EVERYTHING IN ME NOT TO SAY, "YOU'RE SAYING IT WRONG."
YOU DON'T KNOW SO MUCH.
WE ALWAYS GET IN ARGUMENTS ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN SAY OR NOT SAY.
ONCE SHE TOLD ME CRAP WAS A BAD WORD.
I WAS LIKE, "NO.
YOU CAN SAY CRAP."
SHE SAID, "NO, IF YOU SAY IT AT SCHOOL YOU GET IN TROUBLE."
I WAS LIKE, "THAT IS BULLCR- BULLSHI- STUPID.
THAT IS SO STUPID."
SHE SAID, "YOU CAN'T SAY STUPID.
IF YOU SAY IT AT SCHOOL YOU'LL GET IN TROUBLE."
I WAS LIKE, "YOUR TEACHER SOUNDS LIKE A REAL COT, YOU KNOW THAT?"
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
>> THANK YOU.
I HAD A TOUGH TIME IN SCHOOL BECAUSE I WAS BULLIED.
I WAS BULLIED ALL THROUGH MIDDLE SCHOOL BECAUSE I MATURED SO
QUICKLY.
I HAD A FULL BEARD IN 8TH GRADE.
I REALLY WAS BULLIED AND IT WAS HARD.
I WOULD COME HOME EVERY DAY AFTER SCHOOL, UPSET, CRYING.
AND THEN ONE DAY MY MOM SAID TO ME, I GUESS IN A MOMENT OF TOUGH
LOVE, SHE SAID, "BONNIE, THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO HAVE IT
WORSE OFF THAN YOU DO, AND YOU CAN BULLY THEM."
AND ONCE I STARTED DOING THAT, MY SELF-ESTEEM WENT THROUGH THE
ROOF!
IT FEELS AMAZING.
I HATE HEARING GROWN WOMEN COMPLAIN ABOUT THEIR PASTS
BECAUSE USUALLY IT'S SO PETTY.
THERE ARE WOMEN OUT THERE WHO HAVE HAD REAL PROBLEMS, REAL
ISSUES GROWING UP AND YET THEY'RE OUT THERE.
THEY GET OUT OF BED EVERY DAY, THEY'RE LAWYERS AND ASTRONAUTS
AND COWGIRLS AND I DON'T KNOW ALL THE DIFFERENT STRIPPER
COSTUMES, BUT THERE'S A LOT OF THEM.
YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO BE AT THE BEGINNING OF YOUR
SONG.
(LAUGHTER) THAT'S A DANCER SAYING.
WORDS TO LIVE BY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY!
NICE CROWD.
THANK YOU!
>> STEPHEN: HER NEW BOOK IS "YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME."
BONNIE MCFARLANE, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.