how do you define yourself and why is
that important
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this is Damon Cart from NLP Gym. NLP mind
Hack defining your identity if you
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how do you define yourself this is not a
question that we hear very often unless
of course you're putting together your
online dating profile then you have to
start figuring out who you are and how
do you want to project that to the rest
of the world this is a very important
question because how you define yourself
influences how you relate to the world
around you how you relate to other
people and ultimately it really good
influences who you become the first
thing to know is you can't define
yourself apart from your environment you
are part of your environment at any time
you're going to define yourself you have
to define yourself in terms of your
environment for example there's no such
thing as an inside without an outside is
no such thing as an outside without an
inside we could walk around with this
idea that were just these independent
universes that just walking around and
that if everything cease to exist that
we would somehow still exists and we and
we exist independent independently of
our environment or others or the world
around this but of course that's not
true we define ourselves by
generalizations and similarities so I
have brown eyes and if I see someone who
has brown eyes i notice that similarity
and so I don't sit there I that is part
of me and that is part of the person and
this is what we have in common
same thing with like what do i do well I
practice and Opie oh you practice at
Alfea too so we start putting together
these generalizations defining ourselves
by similarities of other people on
similarities and sometimes with people
of the objects around us and just our
general environment we also identify
ourselves or define our identities by
what we are
not and this can create a big problem we
also like to say well enough like that
person I'm not a cruel person I'm not
this i'm not that we see people and we
judge them and we try to separate
ourselves or compare ourselves to them
by saying well at least I'm not like
that person when I coach people the
first thing I asked them is what is it
you want and it's amazing to me how
people will spend a lot of time and they
have a lot of detail about what they
don't want
well if you're more clear about what you
don't want and there's more sensory
experience going on in your brain or
sensory based data in your brain about
what you don't want the tendency is
you're going to create more of that
because you're unconscious doesn't know
any better
you're just feeding it a lot of sensory
data about the things that you don't
want when people tell me that what they
don't want a house that's usually where
the problem starts and i'll tell them
okay i understand you don't want to be
broke
I understand you don't want to be lonely
what do you want means that and I get
them to start focusing on what it is
they do want in sensory based terms so
when you start focusing on what you see
here and feel taste touch all of the
five senses on you start focusing on
that on what it is you want and how they
show up within the five senses when
you're basically communicating to your
unconscious
this is what we need to focus on let's
move toward this what happens is it's
natural for us to move away from chaos
and move toward clarity we don't like
confusion so we're going to constantly
move toward what makes sense and what
we're clear about so again if you're
more clear about what you don't want
versus what you do want and you're
feeding that sensory data and experience
into your mind then you're going to get
more of that because that's what's more
clear to you that's what makes more
sense to your unconscious the same thing
goes for how you define yourself if you
say I'm not cruel what images do you
have to make in your head you make
images of cruelty and then you say okay
but I'm not that but that's not how
you're unconscious takes this
you have to access what you don't want
in order to constantly define yourself
by what you don't want
so it's so important that you turn this
the other direction and get very clear
about what you do want and clear about
what you want to be and there exists
this sensory based data in your
experience to pretty much have any
quality of identity that you want so if
you want to be instead of a cruel person
you want to be a kind person you would
pull in sensory based data of you having
experiences of being kind when the times
that you were kind of people what did
you see what did you hear how to feel
and you can also do that the same or
even acts of kindness that you weren't
involved in if you're just feeding that
into your brain of seeing someone act in
a kind way and once again you're
focusing your mind on that's what you
want that's what's clear to you so
you're likely to move in that direction
a good example of this and one I've I'm
guilty of is I was very clear my parents
are good people but I was very clear
there was a lot in one parent like my
parents I wanted to do a lot of ideas
about how i would put the kind of parent
I wanted to be
however I didn't get clear about those
and i didn't use century based
experience our didn't future pace that
using sensory based data like images are
movies me parenting in the way that I
wanted to parent may be hearing the
words that I would actually say it so
when you don't have this it's easy to
default to the sensory based experience
you do have so I had a lot of sensory
based experience of my parents raising
me of course because they raised me and
I was got first-hand experience of that
so because I didn't have a lot of
sensory based experience about the kind
of parent wanted to be
guess what I default in a lot of cases
and can find myself parenting very much
like my parents parenting me again sorry
mom and dad that's not an indictment of
your parenting it's just we should get
better as parents we should take what's
good from where parents our parents
raised us and then correct the mistakes
as well become the parents we want but
you've heard this saying before like oh
my god to become my parent why well
because that sensory based data is very
real to you and that's stored up inside
your memory and you probably haven't
spent a lot of time creating sensory
based data future pacing the kind of
parent you would like to be are taking
moments as a parent that you felt like
wow I'm the kind of parent I'm acting in
the way that I want to be as a parent
and then using that sensory based data
to say to future place a feed-forward
system this is the person I want to be
so why do so many of us focus on who we
don't want to be why is this so common
well because fear is very powerful
you've heard in television news and
newspapers if it bleeds it leads
we fixate on fear so why is it well
thousands if not millions of years ago
the ones the people your ancestors who
focused on we didn't let their eyes off
of thread
we're the ones who survived if there was
a saber-toothed tiger around it's the
people who took their eyes off the
saber-toothed tiger who took their eyes
off the threat who got eaten
it's the ones who survived were the ones
that watch the threat never let threat
out of their sight jump forward
thousands if not millions of years later
and we live in a society most of us live
in a society where there is not does not
major threats like that but we see it on
the news we see in a newspaper fixate
our eyes go right to that because it's
in our evolution to do that in order to
survive even though it doesn't pose a
real or imminent threat but because we
have consciousness because we know these
things we can change that way of
thinking we can start focusing on
fixating on the qualities that we want
to embody and act in ways that of the
kind of person we want to be so we can
train our minds to focus on that sensory
data of who we want to be the truth is
the greatest threat to us now is that
unbridled fear that letting fear get out
of control letting fear control us we
act out in very reactive ways if we were
able to eliminate fear
of things that are really threats and
refocus our minds on what we want to be
what we want out of the world and what
is that we want rather than engaging and
all that fear especially fear that isn't
really about a true thread there would
be a lot less violence in the world and
we get along a whole lot better
so when you think about who you are do
you define that in terms of who you are
not for you define in terms of who you
are if you do don't turn this around
back to the example of cruelty
if you say or do you think of yourself
as not a royal person than what ru ru a
kind person
use whatever word fits for you so take
whatever you define yourself as not
being and turn it into a positive
who are you what are the specific
qualities of who you are and what
experiences do you have that real
experiences are even imagine experiences
or someone else's experience you can
borrow other people's experiences and
bring that sensory data and meaning you
need to see hear and feel what that
means to have that quality to be that
kind of person and more you focus on
that the more you are feeding your
unconscious and you're nursing your
unconscious to become the person who you
want to be so any time you catch
yourself to find yourself by who you are
not who you don't want to be stopped
that pattern of thinking turn it around
and think about okay if I'm if I'm not
this or if I don't want to be this Who
am I and who do I want to be positive
sensory based terms this will change
your life
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