hey there everybody welcome to this series on codependency today we're discussing symptoms and
causes this is week one of 20. so there's a lot of stuff to cover over the next couple of months
let's start talking about the symptoms of codependency and what causes them
you can't effectively change a symptom until you identify their
function and once you identify their function then you want to look back
and say why did I develop this symptom what caused me to develop this symptom
so low self-esteem and a need for external validation is very common in people who are
codependent and we want to explore where that came from they probably grew up in an environment that
was critical or neglectful in some way and in order to avoid wrath or rejection or abandonment
it was important that they did whatever their caregivers wanted them to do so that external
validation I know I'm okay I know I'm safe if you tell me I'm okay and safe as people grow up
and individuate as we say they become their own person they move out they become adults they may
still rely on others to regularly tell them hey you're doing okay you're a good person because
they never learned how to tell themselves that and they may not even believe that themselves
there's a lack of a sense of self-awareness and that kind of goes along with low self-esteem and a
need for external validation because growing up in that environment that was toxic or aggressive or
abandoning or neglectful often caused the person to keep into a very narrow set of behaviors I'm
going to do what I know is going to avoid harm they didn't start exploring and figuring out what
they believed what they liked what they wanted because it wasn't about them in the environment
in which they grew up it was about the person with the addiction or the person with codependency or
it was about the caregiver that was experiencing mental health issues it wasn't about them
so they never figured out what they like and what they need which is why a lot of times people with
codependency seem to not have a lot of opinions about a lot of things but then sometimes they
have really strong opinions about others why is that well because the strong opinions come
from what they were taught was safe to think and do and believe and the other things they don't
know what they're supposed to think so they're just like you tell me what I think about this
people with codependency often have difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries
they grew up in an environment where they weren't allowed to think to feel to trust other people
the caregivers were either neglectful and just completely ignored them and didn't help them meet
their needs or that the caregivers were stepping all over their boundaries and telling them what to
do and when to do it and how to feel and what to think so they never learned how to set boundaries
and if they tried it was probably often met with anger or abandonment or some other unpleasant and
terrifying reaction for a child from a caregiver as a result they developed hyper vigilance
in this environment it was difficult to know what they needed to do when they needed to do it
because boundaries were on roller skates sometimes they were expected to have an opinion other times
they were punished for having an opinion they were constantly surveying the caregivers to
try to figure out what they needed to do at this time in this context to stay safe they were like
a soldier in a foxhole they were potentially able to eat potentially able to sleep but it wasn't
good quality sleep and they were constantly anxious or fearful or sometimes angry because
remember anger and fear protect from a threat so the child may become angry and belligerent
as opposed to anxious and passive that's their way of trying to protect themselves the way they
manifest their perception of threat is based on what is rewarded the angry and belligerent child
that may be the only way they can get their caregivers attention because their caregivers
are so disconnected from everything so it's important to look at your symptoms and say okay
what in my past caused me to start feeling like I always need to be on guard like I'm never safe
people pleasing goes along with what we've talked about people with codependency are often
um very strong people Pleasers to their detriment it's not just I'm going to do nice things for
you when I've got energy or time or whatever but it's I'm going to do nice things for you
to my own expense because I so need you to like me I so need you to not abandon me I so need
you to not be angry and a lot of times people with codependency have a hard time saying no
to things because of their fear of rejection or abandonment which again often goes back to those
early relationships now I will say codependency is not something that has to develop in childhood if
somebody is in a dysfunctional relationship as an adult these behaviors can develop for
the very same reasons but it's important to recognize in you if you feel like you have
some of these symptoms what caused you to develop them and what function are they serving now how
are they helping you potentially or stay safe or how are they trying to help you stay safe
a denial of personal needs is also very common if the person was in a relationship where the person
with codependency was in a relationship where the dysfunctional other needed to be taken care of
and if they didn't take care of that person then they would be abandoned they would be in a bad
place then the person with codependency learned to put aside their personal needs because in
order to survive they needed to take care of the dysfunctional other a fear of Abandonment is often
covered up by a need to be needed a lot of times people with codependency are attracted to people
who have needs people who need to be taken care of people who are troubled because if they
are needed then they won't be abandoned if they are indispensable then it's less likely the person
will abandon them it doesn't mean they're going to have a great quality of life and the relationship
could be really crappy but if they're needed then a lot of times that person won't abandon them
growing up or being in a relationship even if it wasn't as a child with a dysfunctional other
can cause the person with codependency to start developing control issues if you do what I tell
you to do the way I tell you to do it you'll be fine I need to watch your every move because
I can't trust you to do the next right thing children may have learned that by watching their
caregiver who was codependent take care of a dysfunctional other or adults May learn it in
dysfunctional relationships as they are trying to care for a dysfunctional other
difficulty expressing emotions or and or dysregulation is another symptom of codependency
a lot of people who are have developed codependent symptoms remember I said they're hyper Vigilant
they feel unsafe a lot of times which means their stress response system is always on and
we know when that stress response system stays on too long it quits functioning as effectively
and without getting into you know great explanations for why all that is it's
important to recognize that a lot of times the person with codependency will get to the point
where they don't feel a lot most of the time they feel kind of flat if they're not feeling anxious
or or irritable they're feeling kind of flat but then when they do get upset they go from zero to
Tsunami like that and that is the stress response system reacting in overdrive the stress response
system saying okay I gotta get out of this kind of like when you're stuck in the mud if you push on
the gas a little bit you're probably just going to dig yourself deeper but if you're somehow able to
get traction and you floor it all of a sudden you get released and you go you know tearing
out of there that's kind of what the stress response system is doing it recognizes you're
constantly under stress and the dysregulation is a oh crap response I gotta get out of here
guilt is also very common in people with codependency because the dysfunctional other
is often not willing or able to help themselves and the person with codependency since they think
well if I can love you enough if I can control you enough if I can you know get you on the right
path then you'll be fine and when that doesn't happen the person with codependency often feels
guilt they feel like it's their responsibility to fix or change the other person they miss the
whole chapter on the fact that you cannot change another person you can lead them to water you
can't force them to drink as they say the guilt can also be triggered in future relationships that
in in which the person they're in a relationship with is struggling with something and if the
person with codependency can't fix it they feel immensely guilty now they may also have
been blamed in the past if you hadn't done this then I wouldn't blah so one of the behaviors
that is often seen in Dysfunctional others and I use that term because it's not just
people with addictions it can be people with trauma histories or borderline personality or
a whole host of things so we're just going to say dysfunctional other someone who is having
difficulty dealing with life on life's terms but a lot of times the dysfunctional other in these
relationships May instead of taking responsibility for their actions they will blame the person with
codependency and the person with codependency May accept that blame and feel guilty for it
and then enabling or rescuing behavior and when we enable somebody we are keeping them
from experiencing the consequences of their own behaviors if Johnny gets into trouble and
gets arrested enabling Behavior maybe bailing them out and making sure you get an attorney that can
fix it for them that doesn't cause them to learn from their consequences the natural consequences
of things so now the question is once you realize what your symptoms are what do you do about them
I would encourage you this week to review the symptoms that we just talked about explore ways
that you might demonstrate that how might you express or act hyper Vigilant how might
you demonstrate the need to control others Etc determine if the way you act or react to things
is excessive or a problem every once in a while it's important to control some things there's
everything's on a spectrum are you doing it in a way that is healthy and helpful or are
you doing it to an extreme identify the function the behavior serves how does the
behavior help you feel safer help you feel loved help you feel like you have power in your life
identify how you learned that behavior did you learn it from watching caregivers did you learn
it by you know trial and error in relationships how did you learn it so you're exploring some of
those traumas that taught you that you were unsafe and then start thinking about alternate responses
you've developed other ways of responding or you know of other ways of responding you may
not have tried much yet start thinking about what your options are this is not you know an
overnight process right now what I'm asking you to do is to just start exploring your history
and exploring your behaviors or your symptoms if you will so you can identify their function
and then later identify behaviors that are healthier that will serve that same purpose