- First thing I'm gonna do when he gets here
is walk back and forth real methodical-like
and then bam!
That's when I'll walk into him, maybe.
- Nah, man, I'm just gonna go for it.
I'm just gonna walk in one direction
and hope to God I get him.
- I dare that fat plumber to jump on me.
Oh man, he will not know what hit him.
(sneaky music)
(tornado whooshing)
Was that...
- That...
That could have been any flute tornado.
- Guys, I think that was Mar- - No. No. It couldn't be.
- Open your eyes, man. That was Mario!
He skipped our level!
- But then, then what are we even doing here?
Why did we build all these obstacles for him?
- We are walking Angry Sun for nothing!
- That's fine. That's just fine!
We don't need him.
I was in World 2-1 back in the first Mario.
He always took the warp pipe straight to World 4-1.
Didn't need him then, don't need him now.
- Yeah, I didn't even want him here.
He probably would have just jumped over me anyways.
- If I run through this level,
I'd kill all the guys in all the worlds!
I wouldn't leave anyone alive!
- You'd kill more guys than he ever could.
- How come he don't wanna kill us, man?
(all sobbing)
Why won't anyone kill us?
- What's wrong with us?
(gentle music)
- Did that fat ass seriously skipped this world?
Goddammit.
(upbeat music)
(fast upbeat music)
(castle exploding)
- Ugh, can you believe we got to work this weekend?
- Eh, I could use the extra hours.
Sheila was laid off
and our mortgage ain't gonna pay itself.
(castle explosion) (siren blaring)
- [Alarm] Emergency! Emergency!
Please evacuate now in an orderly fashion.
This is not a drill.
- Oh god, we got to get out of here!
Lawrence, where are you going?
- The daycare center on the third story.
- It's every koopa for themselves!
(siren blaring) (thrilling music)
Caroline, come on. We gotta move, okay.
We gotta move. Let's go.
- Daniel, I'm stuck! Just save yourself!
(siren blaring)
- Coward.
(Daniel grunting)
You are not dying here today.
(Daniel grunting)
- Hey, little buddies. It's okay.
Everything's gonna be all right.
(castle exploding)
(siren blaring)
Kids, we're gonna play a little game.
I'm gonna jump out the window
and you're gonna land on top of me, okay?
You have to land on me even if it looks like I'm hurt.
All right?
- Okay, Mr. Lawrence. We'll do it.
- Tell my wife I love her.
(siren blaring)
(thrilling music) (Daniel coughing)
- For once, I wasn't a coward.
Remember that.
- Daniel? Daniel?
Oh god, no! No. (sobbing)
(triumphant music)
- Huh.
Neat.
(upbeat music)
(ominous music)
- What the hell was that?
I hit him once you guys were supposed to finish him off.
- Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh!
- He was running right at us.
- My heart rate is crazy!
- You don't have a heart rate.
Your ghosts, a giant group of ghosts
that can't kill a fat plumber.
- He's yelling! Stop yelling at us!
- Someone tell me when he's gone!
- I haven't been this scared
since that red hat guy came through here.
(ghosts mumbling)
- (sighs) Okay, I'm sorry I yelled,
but you're all too sensitive.
You need to be whipped into shape.
(upbeat energetic music)
You're ready.
(ominous music)
He's coming! Get him boys!
(ominous music)
(ominous music stops)
What the (beep), guys!
- You didn't say anything about him being green!
- He was so green.
- Yeah, green is scarier than red.
- Oh my gosh, it's so is.
- Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up!
- Howdy there partners! Video James here.
Before we get into the rest of the video
you all clicked for,
I got to do this quick little page sponsorship.
You think these videos just make themselves? No!
They cost money, cash, moolah, simoleons, currency.
Speaking of money, how do you manage yours?
Personally, I keep my gold coins
scattered throughout several levels
in a place called the Mushroom Kingdom,
but some have said that ain't a sound investment strategy.
Y'all are ready to invest like a pro
and build your long-term wealth?
We might even have a tip of where to start.
Titan.
And no, I ain't talking about the giants of Greek mythology
born in Uranus and Gaia.
I'm talking about the investment app.
Titan is a God-dang, lead investment firm
for the everyday investor,
offering the best investment experience in the world
in a way that's excessive overall income levels.
However y'all want to invest from US-based to international
that crypto currency or what we've been talking about,
Titan's got you covered.
Their unique strategy has led them to outperform
all major indexes and robo-advisors since inception.
And all it takes is $100
to get started on your journey to wealth is savvy investing.
Get started today at titan.com/dorkly
and get your first three months
of expert investment management for zero fees.
That's titan.com/dorkly for three months free.
Titan.com/dorkly.
(upbeat music)
(video game explosion)
- All right, boys.
Remember your training.
Great battalion walk left.
Great battalion walk left, then right,
then left again. (Jonesy barfing)
- Get it together, Jonesy!
- I'm gonna die out there.
We're all gonna die out there!
- No one's dying without my say-so!
Just follow your commander's orders
and we'll all be going home in time for koopa's gambit.
(alarm blaring)
This is it fellas.
I'll see you koopas on the ground.
Give up shell board!
- I can't do it, Koop. I'm a coward!
- You're no coward, Jonesy.
I don't think about this war either.
Who attacked who first and why?
But that doesn't matter now because we're troopas.
Now what are we gonna do down there?
- Walk left.
- I can't hear you, Jonesy!
- I'm gonna walk left all over their asses!
- Ha-ha! That's more like it!
- Whoo! - Whoo!
- Jonesy.
Jonesy didn't come home.
The ones who didn't come home,
they were the real heroes.
We were just a little parts of the war,
but no one walked left like easy difficulty company.
(Koop chuckles)
We lucky few.
We bad guys of Mario Brothers.
I still think about those guys, especially Jonesy.
Sometimes I wonder where he is.
But I realized he's in us all.
He's in our hearts.
- [Jonesy] Sarge?
Anyone?
It's been 70 (beep) years.
(upbeat music)
(ominous music)
- All right, I can hear him coming.
Frank, Bob, you ready?
- We're with you, Jim.
Yo, let's thwomp him!
- You're done for, Mario.
There's no way you'll be able to get past all three of us.
- It's the end of the pipe for you.
'Cause you know, he's a plumber.
Plumbers do pipes.
It makes sense!
(fast-paced video game music)
- Oh, you got by us that time,
but you won't be so lucky when you-
(triumphant music)
- Looks like we're plumb out of luck.
- Just going over your performance reviews here.
Looks like you failed to crush Mario
100% of the time he went pass you.
Is that correct?
(thwomps mumbling)
- Yeah. Well, here's the thing, fellas.
As a result of your failure,
I got dumped into a sea of lava.
Did not enjoy that.
I'm gonna have to let you all go.
- Please, boss!
Without this job, our lives have no meaning!
- Also, we can literally only move up and down,
so it is physically impossible for us to leave the castle.
- Goodbye cruel world,
one dash three.
(upbeat music)
- No, I dropped them my watch somewhere around here.
Oh man, where is it?
- Boys our chance at redemption.
(thwomps beeping)
- I don't think you have necks.
- Oh yeah.
Well, we'll get you necks time.
Necks.
Next time.
It makes sense!
My jokes are good.
(upbeat music)
- Guys, Mario just finished World 2-3
and he's headed this way.
- All right, boys, get ready!
We're gonna show this plumber
what desert level koopas are made of.
(koopas cheering)
- [Angry Sun] Yeah, let's roast the fat bastard
'til his skin peels off!
- Whoa, what? Who said that? Who-
Oh god, not now. Not-
Hey, Eric! Hey man, what's up?
- Not much!
We're gonna chug this plumber's blood or what!
- Aw, he's off his meds again.
- What! - Nothing buddy. Nothing.
Hey listen, why don't you just let us deal with Mario, huh?
You know, you just worry about sun stuff,
like maintaining our climate
and keeping our planet from floating off into space, huh?
Does that sound cool?
- No bro, I'm doing this!
I'm gonna tear his mustache off
and shove it down his wind pipe!
Then I'm gonna shit fire on his grave!
Then I'm gonna find his parents, kill them,
shit on their grave!
(koopas groaning and mumbling)
- Who hates Mario that much?
- I do! We all do!
(koopas mumbling)
- I don't really like him but...
- I kinda like him.
- But he's asking for it!
I mean, don't you guys to see?
He's always just walking around,
just walking, like, like he knows.
I just...
(stammering) I don't know what...
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know what I'm feeling.
- Eric, listen, you have anger issues.
But you've also got real responsibilities.
We need you to provide light, and heat, and-
- Keep us from dying in space.
- Right, so why don't we all calm down,
find your pills and-
(Mario kicking)
- Mario! Mario, I'm coming for ya!
(Eric enraged mumbling)
(wind blowing)
- Well, at least now
we don't have to worry about sunburn! (laughs)
I don't want to die, Mike.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat electronic music)
(koopa screaming)
(twinkling electronic tone)
- I can move side to side?
- Pick a box!
It's contents will help you on your way!
(twinkling electronic tone)
- Reading your mind. Reading your mind.
The lucky suit is on the right.
Thanks, Toad!
- Come on, man! Respect the game.
- But it's like, "I barely know you.
I'm not just gonna help you move."
(twinkling electronic tone)
- No, I don't like this.
- Go away.
- I don't like...
Oh, no. - Oh my god.
- Yeah, this is bad.
(upbeat music)
- Wow, that's what it's like to be Mario?
We're not so different him and I.
I guess if you really just take a second to get to know-
Oop. Going down.
(echoing) Going down. Going down.
Just take a second
to get to know the people different from you,
you realize we're all one in the same.
(upbeat music)
- I'm a living thing?
What the fu-
(upbeat music)
- That was the closest I have ever been to happiness.
(ominous music)
(video game explosion)
- You know what?
I should go go-karting with him.
(upbeat music)
- Listen up, people!
We've got a new ghost starting today.
He's transferring here from the abandoned plantation
in the middle of a swamp,
and I think he's gonna be a real asset to the team.
So everyone,
please give a big Donut Plains Ghost House Welcome to Kevin!
(boos clapping)
- Well, hey there everybody!
(boos clamoring)
(chuckles) What's wrong, pals?
Do I have something on my shirt?
- Yes! Blood! Everywhere!
What the hell happened to you?
- (chuckles) Yeah, I guess I do look a little spooky, huh?
Pretty standard story.
My wife found out I was cheating on her,
drugged me, chopped off my hands and feet,
dragged me to the middle of the woods
and then chain me to a tree.
The last thing I remember is her laughing
as wild wolf ripped apart my flesh.
Each heartbeat became a cruel reminder of my infidelity.
Now I am doomed to roam the earth
until I complete my unfinished business!
So how about you guys? How'd you all die?
- I slipped in the shower.
- I ate before I went swimming.
- I lost my inhaler.
- Hey, Kevin, listen, man!
Love the enthusiasm,
but you're really not Ghost House material.
So if you could just- - Chief, he's here!
The red guy is here!
- Ooh, no worries.
I'll handle this one.
- What do you mean-
Oh, red guy!
(demonic roaring)
- Oh. What happened?
- I took care of that red punk for you guy.
Now, how 'bout it, can I stay?
(horrifying rumbles)
Huh. Well, look at that.
I guess I've finished all my business.
Now, I get to go to hell.
Yay! (horrifying rumbles)
- So
you guys say want to go haunt Luigi?
(boos agreeing)
- Fuck Luigi.
(upbeat music)
(elated music)
(thwomps bumping) (thwomp moaning)
- I love how gentle you are! (moans)
- Aw, nuts. Not lined up.
All right!
Also, aw!
- Yeah, you like that?
You liked that when I bone you?
- You don't have any genitals, Gary.
Neither of us do.
- (chuckles) Yeah!
We are abominations.
(upbeat music)
(Goomba grunting)
- All right, let's do this!
- It's been a lovely evening, Linda.
- Why don't you come on to my place and have some-
- Oh god! I am...
I'm so sorry. This never happens.
(Linda groans)
- (laughs) How embarrassing.
(cacti moaning)
- Mario's almost done with the level.
Everyone, go back to dancing!
(upbeat music)
(spiraling music)
Game on!
(cacti moaning)
(canons exploding)
- That was sex! - Yeah, I got it.
I got her sex!
(upbeat music)