Dear Eva, It will be almost a month since you wrote
to me and you have possibly forgotten your state of mind (I doubt it though). You seem
the same as always, and being you, hate every minute of it. Don’t! Learn to say “F*ck
You” to the world once in a while. You have every right to. Just stop thinking, worrying,
looking over your shoulder, wondering, doubting, fearing, hurting, hoping for some easy way
out, struggling, grasping, confusing, itching, scratching, mumbling, bumbling, grumbling,
humbling, stumbling, numbling, rambling, gambling, tumbling, scumbling, scrambling, hitching,
hatching, bitching, moaning, groaning, honing, boning, horse-shitting, hair-splitting, nit-picking,
piss-trickling, nose sticking, ass-gouging, eyeball-poking, finger-pointing, alleyway-sneaking,
long waiting, small stepping, evil-eyeing, back-scratching, searching, perching, besmirching,
grinding, grinding, grinding away at yourself. Stop it and just DO.
From your description, and from what I know of your previous work and your ability; the
work you are doing sounds very good “Drawing — clean — clear but crazy like machines, larger and bolder…
real nonsense.” That sounds fine, wonderful — real nonsense. Do more. More nonsensical, more
crazy, more machines, more breasts, penises, cunts, whatever — make them abound with
nonsense. Try and tickle something inside you, your “weird humor.” You belong in
the most secret part of you. Don’t worry about cool, make your own uncool. Make your
own, your own world. If you fear, make it work for you — draw & paint your fear
& anxiety. And stop worrying about big, deep things such as “to decide on a purpose and
way of life, a consistant approach to even some impossible end or even an imagined end.”
You must practice being stupid, dumb, unthinking, empty. Then you will be able to DO.
I have much confidence in you and even though you are tormenting yourself, the work you
do is very good. Try to do some BAD work — the worst you can think of and see what happens
but mainly relax and let everything go to hell — you are not responsible for the
world — you are only responsible for your work — so DO IT. And don’t think
that your work has to conform to any preconceived form, idea or flavor. It can be anything you
want it to be. But if life would be easier for you if you stopped working — then
stop. Don’t punish yourself. However, I think that it is so deeply engrained in you
that it would be easier to DO. It seems I do understand your attitude somewhat,
anyway, because I go through a similar process every so often. I have an “Agonizing Reappraisal”
of my work and change everything as much as possible — and hate everything I’ve
done, and try to do something entirely different and better. Maybe that kind of process is
necessary to me, pushing me on and on. The feeling that I can do better than that shit
I just did. Maybe you need your agony to accomplish what you do. And maybe it goads you on to
do better. But it is very painful I know. It would be better if you had the confidence
just to do the stuff and not even think about it. Can’t you leave the “world” and
“ART” alone and also quit fondling your ego. I know that you (or anyone) can only
work so much and the rest of the time you are left with your thoughts. But when you
work or before your work you have to empty your mind and concentrate on what you are
doing. After you do something it is done and that’s that. After a while you can see some
are better than others but also you can see what direction you are going. I’m sure you
know all that. You also must know that you don’t have to justify your work — not
even to yourself. Well, you know I admire your work greatly and can’t understand why
you are so bothered by it. But you can see the next ones & I can’t. You also must believe
in your ability. I think you do. So try the most outrageous things you can — shock
yourself. You have at your power the ability to do anything.
I would like to see your work and will have to be content to wait until Aug or Sept. I
have seen photos of some of Tom’s new things at Lucy’s. They are very impressive — especially
the ones with the more rigorous form; the simpler ones. I guess he’ll send some more
later on. Let me know how the shows are going and that kind of stuff.
My work has changed since you left and it is much better. I will be having a show May
4–29 at the Daniels Gallery 17 E 64th St (where Emmerich was), I wish you could be
there. Much love to you both. Sol