- But I've always been quite sort of cautious by nature.
To the point of being risk averse, even.
And I get this from my family, my mam, dad
and sister are all exactly the same.
Like when we were little, we'd go to the fairground.
We'd go on the dodgems.
And my dad would always insist on driving
because he was the only one with a licence.
He would weave expertly in and out of the other cars.
And then we'd go home.
It was properly shit.
I'm not good at a theme park.
I had quite a bad experience at a theme park
when I was a teenager.
I went to Lightwater Valley, give us a cheer
if you've been at Lightwater Valley.
(audience members cheering)
If you haven't but you've been to Alton towers,
just picture that but a bit shitter.
I was about 16 or 17.
I went with a friend of mine.
We were standing in the queue for The Rat,
which is an indoor rollercoaster.
And we're standing in the queue
and I was reading the rules,
because I'm all about fun.
(audience laughing)
And it had the usual restrictions.
It had the height restriction,
it had the pregnant restriction,
but then it also said if you'd ever had heart problems
you shouldn't go on the ride.
And I knew for a fact that the friend that I was with
had had heart problems in the past,
and I say, "Joanna, we can not go on,
"look at that rule, eh, we can't go on."
And she went, "Bah, fuck it, let's do it anyway."
And there is that noise that she made, "Bah!"
She didn't need to say anything after that
because that's a noise equivalent of "fuck it", isn't it?
"Bah!"
You know if you go out on a night out
and you drink more than you were expecting to,
you get up the next day, you feel terrible.
You're bringing up bile,
but you're pretty sure this bacon sandwich
is going to put a stop to it.
(audience laughing)
Somebody rings you and says,
"Do you fancy going to the pub?"
You always go, "Bah!"
So we go on the ride, I'm not happy about it
but she wants to go in, so we go on the ride.
And it's so dark on there
that you cannot see your hand in front of your face
and I'm screaming all the way around like a normal person.
Ahh!
She was completely silent.
My first thought was,
she's dead.
(audience laughing)
My second thought was, our photo is going to be shit.
(audience laughing and applauding)
So I think we can all be divided up
into people like my friend and people like me.
People like my friend, I call them the bumper cars.
They're quite exciting to be around.
They don't worry about what might happen.
They live very much in the moment.
So what if I get a couple of bruises?
At least I will have had a brilliant time.
Gives us a cheer all the bumper cars in the room!
(audience members cheer)
Quite a few of you.
And then there's people like me, I call us the dodgems.
We check doors multiple times.
It's not even our house.
Give us a cheer if you're a dodgem!
(audience members cheering)
Nice lady there who's clapping,
you're a dodgem, are you, flower?
Do you check doors?
Do you unplug things?
See, what do you unplug?
Everything, or just certainly things?
- Mainly hair straighteners.
- Mainly hair straighteners, ooh, good plan.
I always unplug my toaster just in case while I'm out
it accidentally toasts the air.
I know a lot of you think I'm an idiot,
but there's at least two people in this room tonight going,
"Can that happen, can that happen?
"Have I got time to go back now?"
Have we got anybody in who's done anything really risky?
Anybody who's done a bungee jump?
(audience members cheering)
Fella there who's done it, hello flower,
how many bungee jumps have you done?
One.
What's the reason you've only done one?
You were drunk.
You were drunk when you did a bungee jump?
How is that even allowed?
Gran Canaria.
You do that like, "Ah, it's Gran Canaria!
"Everybody's pissed there, man!"
There was a fella the other day
who'd only done the one, and I said,
"What's the reason you've only done one?"
Thinking it might be, you know, cause' it's expensive,
maybe that was it.
And he went, "No, no, it's cause I shat meself!"
(audience laughing)
And then the next night I had a lady who'd only done one
and I thought, I bet I know the answer to this question!
She said, "No, I didn't shit meself.
"I did do a fanny fart all the way down."
(audience laughing)
But I also had an incredibly cautious lady
in the audience recently
sitting right in the middle in the front row
and she said, "I'm a dodgem."
And I said, "Example?"
And she said, "Do you check under your bed?"
I said, "No, cause I'm not fucking seven."
She said she'd seen an episode of CSI,
oh yeah, it's all based on fact!
She'd seen an episode of CSI
where the murderer had hidden from his victim
by hiding underneath the bed.
And not in a normal way, but actually
clinging to the underside of the bed.
I said, "So you were worried
"about finding a man under your bed?"
And she went, "Yeah."
And I said, "What would you have done
"if you had found a man under your bed?"
She said, "I've got no idea, I'm a lesbian."
(audience laughing and applauding)
There'll be people in this room
who don't know which one they are.
And the easiest way to tell,
this is almost foolproof, a little test for you,
is you're definitely a dodgem
if when you go away for more than one night,
it could be a holiday with your family,
it could be a works do, could be a stag weekend,
a girl weekend, anything like that,
you take more than the required amount of underwear.
Give us a cheer if you take spare pants!
(audience members cheering)
Dodgems the lot of you!
For what reasons do you take spare pants?
Shout out.
(audience members calling out) Just in case.
Just in case.
Bit of a slag, are you, pet?
(audience laughing)
Any other reasons apart from just in case?
- [Audience Member] In case you do a bungee jump!
- In case you shit yourself doing a bungee jump.
Well done, flower.
He was listening, he was listening, good work.
Any others?
(audience members calling out indistinctly)
Oh my God, I feel like I'm on a bus!
Got these women talking at me either side.
There was a lady over here, say again?
- [Audience Member] In case you wet yourself!
- In case you wet yourself!
Are you that sort of age, are you, love?
My sister's friend, they were going to do
a keep fit class, and she said,
"Well, I'll come, but I cannot do star jumps anymore."
Ah, going to the loo.
What other reasons do we carry spare pants?
- [Audience Member] In case the elastic breaks.
- Say again?
- [Audience Member] In case the elastic breaks.
- In case the elastic breaks?
How old are your pants, love?
(audience laughing)
Are they going up and down a lot, are they?
- I wish, I wish!
- Any other reasons why we carry spare pants?
- [Audience Member] In case you have takeaway.
- A takeaway!?
Say again?
- [Audience Member] I got a takeaway soup,
but it was so hot, the container dissolved-
(audience laughing)
- Hold on
I'm telling everybody else,
I think I'm telling them right,
you bought takeaway soup and the container dissolved?
So you ate them out of your pants?
I'm not entirely convinced that that was soup, love.
That might well have...
Did somebody give you some
lovely warm tomato-flavored fucking acid?
The container dissolved, so you ate them out of your pants.
Okay.
There is another reason why ladies carry spare pants,
and it's sort of unspoken, isn't it?
A few women are looking at me like,
"Fucking keep it that way, bitch!"
(audience laughing)
But to be honest, it's the same reason
why I don't really like the warm weather.
I don't like feeling overly claggy down there.
Sometimes when the weather's warm,
I don't know if I've started a period
or just got a really sweaty arse crack.
(audience laughing)
There's a lady the other day
said that she carried spare pants in case she got lost.
(audience laughing)
I said, "What, have they got a compass on them?"
Which would obviously be called TwatNav.
(audience laughing and applauding)
Hello, it's Sarah Millican here.
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