-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," here, from New York City.
Hey, everybody. Thank you, Roots.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, after weeks of delays,
the White House is finally giving
President-elect Biden access to something very important.
Watch this.
-2 1/2 weeks after Biden won,
President Trump finally giving formal approval
for Biden to receive the president's daily brief.
It's highly classified information
that Biden will need.
-That's right, the president-elect
is finally receiving Trump's daily brief.
Today, Biden was like, "Okay, gotcha. That's right.
Okay, this is a 'Marmaduke' cartoon.
So, is this --" [ Laughter ]
It's okay, Trump doesn't need the daily brief anymore.
He gets all his intelligence from Randy Quaid's tweets.
[ Laughter ]
Thanks to Trump's daily brief,
Biden will now be well-versed in foreign and domestic threats
and who got eliminated on "The Bachelorette."
[ Laughter ]
Actually, it does turn out that the brief they give Biden
is a little different than the one they give Trump.
I'll show you what I mean. For instance,
Biden's brief says, "Iran building nuclear arsenal."
While Trump's brief says, "Iran make big fireworks
that go boom-boom."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Wow.
Next up, Biden's brief says,
"Norway experiencing harsh climate change."
While Trump's says, "Soon Olaf will be a puddle."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, Biden's brief says,
"Canada extends border restrictions with U.S."
While Trump's says, "Americans betrayed by Beliebers."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Just a little different.
Even though the transition has already begun, Rudy Giuliani
is still trying to overturn the election.
Today he talked about voter fraud at an event
in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.
People were pumped about the event.
Not to hear Rudy's speech, just to see
what's gonna leak out of his head.
It's almost Thanksgiving, I hope it's gravy!
[ Laughter ]
But Rudy was smart this time.
First he dyed his hair, then he applied a coat
of Thompson's WaterSeal over it.
Very smart.
And this is very interesting.
Trump was also supposed to be in Gettysburg,
but he cancelled at the last minute
because of COVID concerns.
-Hmm? What?
-That's great. Trump was like,
"It's not safe to be there in person, so, Rudy, you go."
"Okay."
Trump ended up appearing over speakerphone in Gettysburg,
and he actually delivered a speech inspired by
Abraham Lincoln's famous address.
Here, check it out.
-Four seasons and seven total landscapings ago,
the liberal media brought forth
on this consonant, a news so fake,
conceived by the haters and losers,
can you believe it, folks,
and dedicated to the preposition that every person,
woman, man, camera, TV was created equal.
-Okay, I got it. That's it.
[ Applause ]
Speaking of the President, today he decided to pardon
his former National Security Adviser, Michael Flynn.
He announced it via tweet.
He wrote, "It is my great honor to announce that
General Michael T. Flynn has been granted a full pardon."
On one hand, Flynn is thrilled.
On the other, he's like, "You pardoned the turkey before me?"
[ Laughter ]
When people heard the name Michael Flynn, they were like,
"Wow, they brought back a character from season one
for the finale. [ Laughter ]
Cool!" [ Applause ]
That's how you do it.
Seriously, there's a name from the past.
Even Michael Flynn was like,
"Damn, I totally forgot about Michael Flynn."
[ Laughter ]
Here's some news about the pandemic.
It looks like the CDC is changing its recommendation
for how long you should quarantine.
Listen to this. -The CDC is reportedly set
to shorten its quarantine recommendation.
It could go from the current 14 days to between 7 and 10 days
for those who might have been exposed to the virus.
-Yep, this isn't based on science.
It's just that there's nothing left to binge on Netflix.
[ Laughter ]
We already watched the chess show.
[ Laughter ]
We're good.
Oh, if you're doing some cooking tomorrow,
you better listen to this.
A popular kitchen appliance is being recalled.
Take a look.
-Sunbeam is voluntarily recalling
nearly a million crock pot six-quart multicookers.
The company says the cookers can pressurize
when the lid is not fully locked,
and that creates a burn hazard.
-Anybody who watches "This Is Us" was like,
"A little late!"
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, people knew something was up
when the only button on the crock pot was, "Good luck."
[ Laughter ]
Hey, did you see this? There's a live action movie
about "Clifford the Big Red Dog" coming out.
And today we got our first glimpse of Clifford.
But some people are complaining about how he looks.
Let's take a look.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, no.
-Wait! [ Laughs ]
-Clifford looks like a soccer mom's teeth
after a pitcher of sangria.
[ Laughter ]
Apparently, people were expecting Clifford to be
Heinz ketchup red, and what they got was Hunt's catsup.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, check this out.
A woman in Minnesota put some old pears in her backyard,
and I guess they were -- they got fermented,
because look what happened when a squirrel ate one.
-This squirrel out in Minnesota accidentally got drunk
when he ate a fermented pear.
The homeowner says that she threw out some pears
that she found at the bottom of her fridge.
The squirrel got into the pears. Luckily, he was fine,
walked it off and came back in the morning, was ready for more.
[ Laughter ]
-That's going to be everyone
on their Thanksgiving Zoom tomorrow.